Bogoba Era Ends

Former Staff Segway Yimp Bogoba passed away Sunday evening. No one knows what happened to the former Uruguagian bobsledder/gravel taste tester and no one cares.

Bogoba

1646-1998
2003-2011

Ballgame Hired to Fix Things

Chet R. (Rudolph) Ballgame, formerly Darren Schmidt, has been hired on as Staff Thing Fixer/ Staff Shuttlecock.

Ballgame


"First thing on the agenda is to un-ban smoking at HQ. Once that is done, I probably won't do anything else for the remainder of my employment. Except for possibly to fire or kill Feathers."

Not much is known about Ballgame at this time, other than the fact that he smokes Uruguagian stogies.

- Staff Correspondent Beauregard Fimmons

Vonshai Sanchules Cleans House

Vonshai Sanchules, a little known Sanchules from the western Uruguagian islands, incited a riot at Jerk HQ today when he was not allowed access to the staff restroom. After being told to leave the premises by security, Sanchules fell into a violent rage, killing four staff members and running off into the woods nude.

Sanchules Wanted Photo




Mass Slaying (Berman, Buckleberger, Clinkman, Femmwoos)



Please join us in 4 seconds of mourning for our lost brethren, after which all employees are invited to meet for food and drinks and Harry's local watering hole.

Sanchules is now wanted in the woods surrounding HQ. If anyone has any information on how to locate this naked lunatic, please let us know.

- Staff Correspondent Cheecho Q.

DeLatardo Hired

Ralph Delatardo has been hired on as Staff Garbage Technician.

DeLatardo


DeLatardo was hired on by Chung Fonway, Staff Dead Person/Staff Loser. Fonway was quoted as saying "Ralph is a good garbage guy - he knows how to take out the trash."

DeLatardo, who is originally from Uruguay, will also be responsible for all Rainbow assassinations and for any pancake-related incidents.


- Staff Correspondent Beauregard Fimmons

Blompton Makes Third Hire in Less Than a Week

Bob Blompton has struck again. The Staff Bob has moved forward with his third hire of the week, appointing Baron Von Bweebo Staff Plumber.

Bweebo


Von Bweebo Bio
DOB: 1/1/1
Sex: Unknown
Spouse: Larry Bon Vweebo
Height: Unknown
Weight: 4
Last Seen: Uruguay
Experience: 4 years, gum chewing (4-8)
Education: Plumber U. (Did not graduate)
Comments: Likes fires, urinals, asian men. Dislikes guys named Chet

Please join us in welcoming Von Bweebo to the staff.


- Staff Correspondent Beau Fimmons

New Staff Dentist Hired

Hey Jerk has been without a Staff Dentist since the unfortunate passing of Dr. J. Jerry some months ago. No longer. We here at The Jerk are proud to announce the hiring of Dr. Stan Xomcheese, new Staff Dentist.

Xomcheese


Dr. Xomcheese comes to us with over zero hours of experience, and is accredited to practice dentistry by the Uruguagian Dental Board (UDB).

Bio

Name: Stanley Xomcheese
DOB: 13-2-03
Height: Unknown
Weight: Unknown
Spouse: Don Xomcheese
Affiliations: Uruguagian Dental Board, Xomcheese U. Badminton Club, Waffles
Comments: Successfully removed hippo molar (Nicholas) - September, '26

Please join us in welcoming Dr. Xomcheese to the staff.

- Staff Correspondent Beau Fimmons

Hey Jerk lands exit interview with Fat Neck Glenn

Less than two hours after Fat Neck Glenn was fired as staff dentist, Hey Jerk landed an exclusive interview with the disgraced Uruguagian, mainly because he remained camped outside the web site's downtown office arguing with a slice of bologna. Here's staff writer Larry's interview with Glenn.

Larry: What happened? You were voted by the readers as staff dentist, and less than 48 hours after the final vote was tallied, you were fired. Any explanation from the front office?

Fat Neck Glenn: They said 'we have pictures of you trying to staple a mouse to another mouse', but I think they were just intimidated by me.

L: How so?

FNG: I can hold an entire head of lettuce in my mouth.

L: It was reported you spent the days following your hire waiting outside the Hey Jerk office. Eye witness accounts have you singing inappropriate songs, making threatening gestures to an off-duty ice cream man and relieving yourself on the sidewalk. What really happened?

FNG: The singing was designed for me to keep warm. I've noticed Peggy Cliff Christmas albums tend to warm the sole, at least that's what I read on the jacket cover of her latest record I Saw Mommy Kissing Garret's Mommy. The ice cream man was asking for it, he kept telling me I couldn't handle a waffle cone. And the defecation was due to the fact that the Hey Jerk staffed refused to let me inside to use their facilities. I poo'd out of necessity. Anybody in my position would've plotzed just like I did.

L: There were also reports of you and some office supplies. Care to comment?

FNG: What I do with a staple remover is my business.

L: You won the dentist election thanks to a huge write-in candidacy, any explanation for the surge in election-night voting?

FNG: I threatened a bunch of people with a curling iron.

L: Any plans for the future?

FNG: Well, first, I'm going to finish this interview with you and go home. After that, I think I'm going to cash in my scratch-off ticket and buy a diet soda, really let go, have some fun before I get shipped off to the war.

L: Iraq?

FNG: Paymore grocery store #417. War on low produce prices, starts Friday afternoon.

L: So you have a new job at the grocery store?

FNG: Technically they told me to please leave or the authorities will be called and this time we're actually going to press charges. But I think they're bluffing. Besides, my cat, Morris has been trapped in the dairy freezer for three days, I need to get him out. We have a wedding to go to.

L: Who is getting married?

FNG: Not sure.

L: Hey Jerk editor, Capolo said you were unfit to hold the position as staff dentist, have no qualifications as a dentist and are in actuality just a paper bag. What do you have to say about these accusations?

FNG: [Laughs]. The guy was a dentist in the early 1990s. Filled a woman's cavity with mashed potatoes and cleaned another patient's teeth with a plastic knife and fork. Not exactly Dr. Harold Corcoran, am I right?

L: Who is Dr. Harold Corcoran?

FNG: This interview is over.