New coach speaks to media

New Hey Jerk B'Bison basketball coach Chonnie Jingaroot spoke with assembled media members Friday about a number of topics, including his hopes for new 7'5 Zengaleize import Marvin Q-Zinn, who averaged 38.2 points for the Zengaleize National Team from 1978-2012.

On Zinn:

"He's got the potential to be something special. You don't average almost 40 points a game over a 34-year span in Zengal without having some talent. We're going to put him at the 5 and see what he can do. But first, he has to finish that roast beef sandwich."

Zinn (Photo courtesy of the ZBL, 1999)

On the back court situation:

"Right now we're going to go with the guys we've got. Spinny McNichols and Easterbasket Gintley had their moments last season and they also struggled at times, but we're confident in those two. Our depth is a bit of an issue right now because we can't seem to locate D'Shawnshay Laddimore. He was here a minute ago."

On his first month as a head coach:

"It's been a huge learning experience, but an exciting time for me and my family. Of muskrats."

On the league switching to the Giganticball:

"I think it took some getting used to, because it's so gigantic. Peechon Bradley was working out with the other forwards and caught a pass first day of practice and it nearly killed him. Of course, he is only about a foot and a half tall and weighs 15 or so pounds."

On his acquittal in November's grand theft wheat bread trials:

"I had a wheat bread problem in the 1980s and I'm now 23 years Zober. I didn't steal any wheat bread in October, and it feels great to be vindicated. And that post-trial bowl of Grandma Mayes's Chicken Soup? It tasted like freedom. And grandma feet."

On his prediction for the 2013-2014 season:

"It's tough to make predictions because there are so many things that go on over the course of a season: guys make shots, they miss shots, they get shot. 219 games is a long season, so we're going to take it one second at a time. Except for 15 seconds on May 12th, we're skipping those seconds."

Voomf Vomphy Found

Voomf Clarence-Ted Vomphy has been located after a decade long intercontinental search.

Vomphy

Bio

Name: Voomf Clarence-Theodore Roskowitz-Vomphy Jr.
DOB: 1-8-31
Ethnicity: N/A
Hole in head: Yes
Eyes: 4
Partner: Alan Vomphy (Deceased); Hector the Mule (Present)
Comments: Dislikes Bob Feathers, once murdered a chipmunk (Ralphie Jr.) in order to win a bet for 4 cheetos; Placed 14th in Ostrich Hurdling competition - 1936 Olympic Games - won gold for Croatia



Vomphy was found in the southern part of Africa, living under the assumed name of Berwood Forris. He was peddling signed photos of himself in the buff to blind children to make ends meet. Vomphy will be taken to HQ for questioning regarding the 1988 assassination attempt on Fat Neck Glenn.

Note to staff: Please do not make eye contact with the suspect; he is known to become enraged and nude when he suspects anyone looking at him directly. 

- Staff Mule Rhinoceros Jensen

**UPDATE**

Voomf Vomphy is dead.

Rare drawing of Denton Durly found

[Photo courtesy of Durly Family Archives]

Buckley wins mayor's race

It was an historic Friday morning as Trevontae-Qwom "Buck" Buckley was declared the winner of the Hey Jerk mayor's race.

Buckley, who was born on the planet Werz-14 and with two noses and one ankle-foot, making him a "sub-Durly" according to the Queh Dictionary, defeated the incumbent, Sh'Hensen Pepano by more than 18,000 votes.

Hey Jerk 2013 Mayor Race

Winner - Buckley, Trevontae-Qwom  18,557 votes
Runner-up - Sh'Hensen Pepano     493
3rd - Little Timmy Tapinsky  340
4th - Zoff  76
5th - Ernie Crugg Jr.  58
6th - Nadine Crugg   57

Write-in votes

The ghost of Herman Puckett - 9
Beckman Goolie  - 7
C. Vanderells Bwon -  4
Mordecai Three-Finger Brown  - 3
Capolo Henderson  - 1
Wayne Tolleson's 1988 Topps baseball card - 1

New cast list announced

The cast has been chosen for the upcoming Lyle Cheechern play "Pass The Salt: A Love Story":


Perry Rabbdoff as salt shaker
Ozzo-7 as the grains of salt of hope
Sasha Durly as herself
Peebop Stensen as rearview mirror/rearview mirror alter ego Paul Paulfield
Apple core as itself
Roscoe Nenna as Mel from Jersey
Pepper shaker as Judge Maxwell
Murray and Katherine Reynolds as lucky couple #6
Doc "Ear Pull" Salazar as himself
Hee-ho Shunk as telephone polls 6-through-14
Byron Zorma as the OPEN DOOR elevator button
Natalie Xomcheese as Pepano Vodka spokesgirl Paula Vantz
Kernop-9 as the evil grains of salt of sadness
Edwin San-Michael as Professor Abner Sanchules

and introducing....

Minuscule Marty as Carlton Salt


In theaters November 15!

Litner hired

After decades as one of the country's leading horse photograph whisperers, Leonard Litner has finally been hired at the Jerk, pending a standard Friday evening knee cap tasting.

Litner is expected to take over the staff position of hockey puck massager, which was recently vacated by the disposal of Ronaldo Beefman and his family of turnips.
 
Litner, 56 in snowman years, is the ninth member of his family to be hired at the site, joining Rudolph Litner (employed from 1977-1981), J'Meekhwa Litner (1979-1985), Stubby Chin Litner (1979-1990), Leonard Litner Sr. & Applesauce (1987-1988), Grassclump Litner Jr. (May, 1992-June, 1992), DJ Vel'Kwan-Shouse (1992-2013), Scotchtape Litner (1997-1999) and Ernie Poppadapolis (2000-2003).

CEO Benjamin Gibbons also announced the firing of Denarius Durly and Tatiana Merced as staff hoagie rolls.

Service For Hire

Hey Jerk Industries, Affiliates, and Conglomerations would like to announce a new business venture. The HJ staff has entered the "Ainting" arena.

HJ Team Van

List of services provided by HJ Ainting Staff:

- Bulldog removal
- Pecans
- Castration
- Notary Services
- Mail Delivery
- Szechuan style cuisine
- Murder
- Durly related inquiries
- Ainting
- Pie toss
- Toe
- Vegetable Steaming
- Murder

Please call our pleasant and hygienic staff at 800-KILLDURLY.

It is our ever-going honor to serve you!

- Staff Mule Donkey Face Nelson

Barry Applewind is DEAD

Barry Applewind, world renown for his creation of "Gas Passing; The Musical" and "Shitting in Your Pants Part 3: The Oyster Shell" has passed on. He was 146.

Applewind (DEAD)

Applewind Bio

Name: Harold Juan Jorge "Barry" Applewind Sr.
DOB: Unknown
Weight: 14 lbs
Height:N/A
Partner: Hector Applewind (1908-1909); Bertha Ballsac(1911-1956); Hector Applewind (1992-1993); Hector Applewind (2003-2003); Thomas O'Dea (2003-2012); Hector Applewind (2012-2012)
Comments: Once swallowed a rhinoceros whole (August, 1956) for charity event in Bangor, Maine (Rhinoceros passed); Loves the Portland Trailblazers and Muggsy Bogues; Dislikes Tom O'Dea




Please join us in the HJ Music Hall on Brunson Street NW for a celebration of Applewind's death. A full bar will be available and hippo chops will be served on a first come, first serve basis.

**PRIZES**

- 45" Plasma TV for first to urinate on Applewind's remains
- Lil' Jimmy Fompoon (up for grabs)
- Cheetah (Unknown)

Special event

Miles Derner autographed ketchup packet auction

October 30 from 7:00 p.m. until 10:00 p.m.
Fonchonski Apartment Complex & Applesauce Pits

All-time list of names given to Pete rose's nose

1960-1966 - Pete Jr.

1967-1968 - Pete Jr. And Friends

1969-1974 - Maurice Gibinowitz

1975-1983 - Zorbo 7

1984-1988 - Miles Derner Unwashed

January, 1989-August, 1989 - Ross The Oberman

Late-1989-present - S'Quan Barfield


Source: Beefman Family Archives

Reggie Beefman dolls now available

For the first time on this planet, Reggie Beefman dolls are now available for purchase!

Just in time for Lavelle Hurley Day, you can get your very own Beefman doll, which comes with taco shell bed and alternate blue "Reggie Beefman" t-shirt.

$45 each for a limited time

To order, email Jo he jo Pong at pong4506@gmail.com

Being Told You Look Like Rodney Dangerfield: The 12 Step Recovery Process

Once someone is told they resemble Rodney Dangerfield, following the 12 steps is the recommended method of regaining one's life.

*Note - it is impossible to regain one's life after being told they resemble Rodney Dangerfield.




1. Get told you resemble Rodney Dangerfield
2. Look at ground, consider suicide
3. Mutter thoughtless ramblings to yourself
4. Call Reggie Beefman for a Dangerfield consult
5. Drive to Beefman's house, assassinate him, leave photo of Rodney Dangerfield behind
6. Call police, report Beefman's demise, flee to China
7. Upon landing in Hong Kong, cry hysterically for just north of two hours before hailing cab
8. When you reach hotel, immediately watch Rocky 5 in its entirety
9. Look in the mirror, repeat "I am not Rodney Dangerfield" 100 times over (*at a minimum)
10. Take a shower, start to get a hold of your life
11. After shower, look in mirror again, realize you REALLY DO look like Rodney Dangerfield
12. That's all for you - end it

Durly Hired

Drevontavian Durly has been hired as the new manager of the Durly's softball team.

A team roster for the upcoming 2013-2014 season will be announced soon.

Chili Gas Monthly: August Edition

Cast list announced

The cast has been announced for the upcoming production of the Jo he jo Pong production of Salami Sandwich For Irene:


Patty Fonchonski-Cronin as dining room table leg 3
Terry Durly as rye bread whisperer
Miles'Kwan Derner as himself
Abraham Claize as the singing shampoo bottle of hope
Coco Pwa as Ross Oberman/Vinny Oberman
Pierre Chi as Coach Russo
Dandridge Leaf as ghost of the spicy mustard
Himself as Bobby Badinsky, snowflake super agent
Potato as Lyle Durly
Capolo Henderson as Right Turn Randy
Carpet sample as itself
Carla Trimm as melting candle wax
Ahmah-Ahemeel Barooh as bag of sawdust
The Ronaldos as themselves
Mick Drysdale as Pointing Steve
Linette Cork as goldfish 5
Baxter O'Shallashaster as Senator Feathers/communal microwave


Salami Sandwich For Irene at the Delmonico Playhouse August 27-September 8

Bad News out of Minnesota

Bad news out of Rainbow, Minnesota today as long time otter priest Norman Plum was announced dead "at the scene."

No details were given.

RIP Norman Plum: 1902-1997

C.G.M. Man of the Year!

Zinn Newspapers "Around the Globe"

"The New York Zinn"

"The Zinnquirer"

"Hot off the Zinn"

"The Daily Zinn"

"The Zinn Bugle"

"The Cleveland Zinnstitution"

"Zinn in Seattle"

"Francois Zinne"

"Zinn Illustrated"

"The Zinn Street Journal"

Nindigo Missing

Sad news from Jerk headquarters as staff pork chop Hesop Nindigo has been reported missing.

Nindigo, part of the famous Flying Nindigo Traveling All Stars & Pudding Samplers of the late-1980s, was last seen conversing with McQweese Lood in the 37th floor conference room. Lood, who wished to remain nameless until he realized everyone knew his name, declined comment. He later changed his name to Troy Trundle and re-wished to remain nameless.

Nindigo's parents, Zaul & Colasmell, started a search part for their son Friday afternoon and will continue the search until at least 6:30 p.m.

"That's when Murray Pauvis is on the television," said Zaul. "We don't miss Murray Pauvis, I don't care who has gone missing and allegedly been eaten by a crow."


It's been a difficult year at the Jerk as thousands of staff members and inanimate objects have gone missing. Here are the five most important, compiled by Poog Cronin Magazine For Kids:

5. Agnes Otto (June 6)
4. Packet of mustard (January 11)
3. Ronnie Puddlekick (July 9)
2. Sergei Korcheenov (February 6 & February 19)
1. Mosef Zubique (January 22)

New football league announces 12 franchises

The N.F.L.H.W.A. (National Football League of Humans & Wild Animals), a semi-pro league set to begin its inaugural season in September, 2014, announced its 12 franchises Friday morning.

Team - head coach

Roswell Backwoods Fontes - Wayne Fontes
Slosh Valley Vulchers - Gafreda Goizwetta
Clarkston Cornchipmassagers - Wadesworth Chinn
Brunson Bluejays - Peebo Forehead
Hoohoo Huevos - Juan-Carlos Mejiasuevo
Bergeron Lunchpointers - Poog Cronin
Angelo Tweezershines - Lyle Zeoil
The Walrusfrowns - Petey Pershack
Bumperchurch IV - Reverend Donnie Craig
The Salamanders - Earless Pete 
Selwich Carrottossers - Nat McKinley
The Celeryfingers - Paco

Sal Cheeserug, great Taxidermist, Announced Deceased

Salvatore "Shitknuckle" Cheeserug, world renowned for his taxidermy and black market underwear dealings, has been found deceased at his home atop Feathers Hill.

Cheeserug

Cheeserug Bio

Name: Salvatorio Bocockio Smith-Cheeserug
DOB: 1/1/1938
Height: 6'6"
Weight: 963 lbs
Genitals: N/A
Partner: Alvin Hookmaster  - Deceased, August, 1987 (cheetah)
Walrus: Henry (Hank)
Quotes: "Once a salamander, always a salamander" "Who's Dom Xomcheese?" "A man removed is a man scorned." "RIP Doogie Henrikson Jr."

Cheeserug, who once swallowed a rhinoceros whole, is believed to have been suffocated to death by and unknown subject (unsub). The murder weapon, Harold, has been brought into HQ for questioning but is claming the 17th amendment.

Anyone with information on the assailant is encouraged to contact Detective Queck Rainbow at 1-999-donkey. Rewards will be considered (otter)

- Cheeserug Hamilton

Balool's Nose Terrorizes City, Hundreds Reduced To Hiccuping

Maurice Balool's nose is in the midst of a rampage through the streets of Clubbner City, according to staff correspondent Lazlo Bergeron.

Residents of the quiet town, which is known for having the world's largest soy sauce pool (Nunce Valley Times - February, 2007), have been driven from their homes and into the Hiccup Pits where more than three dozen cases of hiccups have been reported.

Balool, 47 in earth years and munstercheese-9 in planet Balool years, was one of several Balools to migrate to planet Earth after the pillow feather storms of 1982 nearly destroyed his home planet. His nose was ranked as the 7th-largest in the modern era, passing several notable sneezers/nostril models, including Harvey Minkus.

Balool (Staff photo by Pappamichael Zinn-Brignac)


Other Balools are expected to join Maurice on the family's Rampage Tour 2013, including Flonn Balool, Jeremiah Balool, Donnie "Peeps" Balool, the folk music group Muddy Sarah Balool, Greg Balool, Reverend Mush Face Balool, Maurice Balool Sr., Patty Balool and her parakeet, Ingrid Balool Jr., and Ulysses Balool.

BIRD BREACH - PLEASE REMAIN CALM

Larry Bird has been spotted in the conservatory on the 701st floor at HQ.

Bird

While Mr. Bird seems to be calm and stable mentally, it is believed that he is armed with a ".45 glock" and should be considered extremely dangerous.

Bird's nose, Henderson, is believed to be relieving himself in the east wing restroom.





The Larry Bird Alarm has been "rung" and the evacuation has begun. DO NOT attempt to confront Lawrence Bird at any time. The sight of Mr. Bird can leave one paralyzed, which then leads to the famous "Bird Gaze" from Bird which can turn one to mayonnaise.

The Bird Police will be on site shortly with the spaceman suits and atomic bombs.

- Management

HIRED AS PAPER HANDLER INTERN

Missing Item Announcement

The employees of Hey Jerk are seeking assistance in finding an important missing item.

Last Tuesday at 7:52 AM, the yellow Colonel Mustard piece from the headquarters' Clue board game was declared missing.

The piece was last seen  in the possession of Mrooble Fonchonski as he moved it to the board's "Conservatory" room.

Clue Conservatory room where item was last seen

"I can't imagine where it could be. The whole atmosphere around here has changed since we lost that Colonel Mustard piece," said distressed employee Nope Bradley. "It's like... you just don't know who you can trust anymore."

"I don't understand why someone would take THAT piece," Adande Sanchules was rumored saying. "Especially when the Mr. Green piece was right next to it!"

A reward of $752 is offered for the timely return of the item. Please contact The Jerk headquarters via telegram or morse code should you have any information on the disappearance.

Open Position: Paper Handler Intern

The Jerk is seeking a Paper Handler Intern to join an already vibrant team at its company headquarters. If you enjoy looking at paper, separating Post-It notes and standing near printers, then this may be the position for you!

Requirements:

-          experience handling paper

-          ability to hand sheets and stacks (up to ten individual sheets) of paper to others

-          basic paper folding and crumpling skills

-          familiarity with various types of paper - tissue, office and cardboard

-          proven experience making marks on paper with a writing utensil (pen or pencil preferred)

-          ability to lift up to 0.5 lbs of paper products using no more than two hands

-          glue

Compensation:

The Jerk offers competitive compensation for the Paper Handler Intern position. We are willing to go as high as one sliced pineapple (stem included) per annum for the right candidate. While full benefits are not included, we do have an excellent in-office dermatologist available for consults between the hours of 10:32 - 10:47 AM in the janitor's closet.

Contact:

Like what you've read? Please contact HR director J.P. Poppadopalis (include your resume and the resume of a past pet snail) prior to 2015 at j.popp@thejerkhr.com.

Feathers Contract Official

Bob Feathers has agreed to co-manage the St. Louis Cardinals later this month in a winner-take-Mort Binley RBI baseball tournament.

Feathers and Mark Ruso will manage the Cardinals, who last won an RBI title in the 40s.

Poppings Family Arrives

"The Poppings Family! Now we can really get peanut butter sculptures completed."

- Bartolo Colon impersonator Edward Xomcheese


Fearing a possible Jeroo dynasty, the Poppings family (Ann Arbor, Michigan) have arrived at Jerk headquarters and immediately declared Horace on the Jeroos.

The battle is expected to begin in late-June with several thousand from both families participating in winner-take-Ernie racquet ball.


The Poppings

Lance Poppings
Ziizzo Poppings
Hillary Tomulkins-Poppings
"Pops" Poppings
Greg Galloway
Perry Poppings
Xavier "Big Cantaloupe" Poppings
Peeps Poppings
Terry Jeroo
Possum Poppings
Bernard Bly
Plopps Poppings
Little Cantaloupe Poppings
Vaz Poppings
Wendy Jeroo
Piano Keys Poppings
Footballhelmet Poppings
Carla Poppings-Jeroo
Pweeg-hanavitz Poppings
Jim


Source: Poppings Family Historical Society & Rat Trap Warehouse

The Jeroo's have ARRIVED

Captain Jeraldo Jeroo Esq.

Those in the 147th Western Seaboard Jeroo Infantry (Report directly to Captain Jeroo)

Ol' Chadwich Jeroo
Ben Jeroo
Lil' Horatio Jeroo Jr.
Oat-slinger Jeroo
Pitstop Jeroo
Ed
LaJaMichael Jeroo
Gary "Twinkle Nostrils" One-Foot Jeroo
Bill Clinton

All other Jeroos please email Oscar Rainbow at oscarrainbow@gmail.com immediately for elimination.

Wednesday cancellations

* P.F.C. (Paper Football Championships)
All games moved to June 12

- Jurgenson vs. Poffy
- Zizzitch vs. Okkawondo
- Pepano vs. Crugg

* Stapling things to Moe Puckett - moved to June 9, 1:30 p.m.

* Dishwashing detergent drinking contest - postponed indefinitely

* 2:30 p.m. classes cancelled at Queh College & Raisin Factory:

- Page Turning
- How To Eat Many Raisins At One Time
- Philosophegy 201

Beno hired

Ray Beno has been hired as Staff Ray Beno, pending a Benotopsy.

"Save the Cronins" launches worldwide

After hearing about the mass suicide, by-goldfish injection, of thousands of his family members, Fwan "Poog" Cronin has launched the Save the Cronins Foundation.

The organization will be responsible for saving any Cronins that remain after the suicides and the accidental death of Arnie Cronin (Cronin overdose), though according to the family's historical society, the last Cronin besides Poog died in 2011.

"I'm willing to walk the ends of this earth, and many other earths, and on top of Ernie Earth, and to a Betty Earth and the Deodorants concert to solve the Cronin epidemic," said Fwan Cronin in a prepared statement. "I don't want to have to look at my children, Horace, who is scheduled to be born May 8, 2022, and Little Peebo, scheduled to be born May 11, 2022, and tell them there will be no Santa Cronin this year. It's time to bring back an influential family, just like we did with the Bernerfield's in the 70s.

Also, if anyone has seen Matthew Bernerfield, please contact me at the STCF main number. He owes me seven fire ants."

Wobbins family list released

The Wobbins family

Bangor, Maine 

Wob Wobbins Sr.
Betty Wobbins
Fob Wobbins (deceased-May, 2013)
Grandpa Otto Wobbins

Nova Scotia

Lil Banjo Fimmons
Ulises Wobbins-Benavich
Qwob Wobbins (deceased-March, 2013)
Wob Wobbins Jr.
Grandma Mae-Jule Wobbins
Pepe Wobbins
Wobberly Wobbins-Snaudgrass

Roswell, Georgia

Vanessa "Pigface" Wobbins
Jei-Kwon Wobbins
Hob Wobbins
Bob Wobbins
Carl Thompson
Hockeypuck Wobbins

Crawfordsville, Georgia

Zee Zee Wobbins-Adarondeck
Iglonovich Wobbins
Pob-lo Wobbins (deceased-December, 1984)

Seattle, Washington

Cecil Wobbins
Wob Wobbins III.


Source: Pepano Family Archives

Homorace Humbb Hired

In shocking Hey Jerk news, a hire has been made. Dr. Homorace (huh-MORE-iss) Humbb has been hired on as Staff Doctor, a position long vacant for fiscal reasons.

Humbb

Dr. Humbb, formerly Bart Feekus, will start immediately and be located in the Corner Office (tm) on the 415th floor east ballroom south-western side.

Humbb had no comment but immediately relieved Gregory Phui of his life.

- Wob Wobbins

Jerk staff move into new HQ building

The 1,100-person/iguana/half-men-half-desk lamp/parakeet staff at the Jerk moved into a brand-new headquarters building Wednesday afternoon.

The staff had been housed in Derwood Forest, surviving on pond water and the remains of Dwayne Durly, since the original headquarters building collapsed in February, 2010.

After the ceremonial ear cutting, there was worldwide reaction to the move:

"That's huge news for Taiwan."

- Staff Randy Johnson

As has happened with the opening of each new headquarters building since the Jerk's inception in 1936, several staff members and onlookers perished during the move, including Vicente Padilla impersonator Murray Ruso, Buck Pepano, "Chaz", the singing ceiling fan of hope, Dorothy Glenn, Izz-4, Pee-Po-Gee-Johng, Jamison Jazzawick, Gary Fempot IV and the entire cast of the hit show Me And Ewing Zeeble.

Missing: pencil

A pencil has gone missing, according to the writing utensil's owner, Larry Thehippo.

The pencil was last seen wearing a yellow #2 jersey and was "chewed on somewhat" (Julio Herald, May 1).

He had just recently gotten some of his red hair cut.

If you have any information as to the whereabouts of the pencil, please contact either Thehippo at william.petunia@gmail.com or Hey Jerk intern Danny Badinski on line 7.

Hey Jerk Thursday Morning Endorsement

We here at Hey Jerk Industries would like to formally endorse Pilgrim Mat Services for all your doormat needs!

(Click for larger view)


"We rent and clean door mats!"
             - Pilgrim Truck, April 2013







Please inquire about doormats and the rental of doormats at 1-800-939-2523 or simply email Oscar at oscarrainbow@gmail.com.

Hey Jerk uses Pilgrim, and our doormats have never been cleaner!

- Staff Doormat Wob Wobbins

**BREAKING** Herman Winkle has Plotzed

Herman Winkle plotzed. This is according to Walt Hembree, his neighbor and long time confidant.

"The guy shat."

More likely to come.

- Wob Wobbins

Wednesday Afternoon Advertisement

Influential Hire Made

The Jerk has announced the hiring of Taykwon-55 as a part-time Pierre/Barbara scout. Taykwon-55, whose nose, Wendy, speaks three languages, will be responsible for finding Pierres and Barbaras on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, while longtime P/C scout, Bubbles MgKinley will handle the other four days.

MgKinley, who declined comment, has lately been spotted around headquarters putting on sticks of butter puppet shows, as part of his state-mandated probation.

Taykwon-55 is just the sixth inhabitant of the planet Dan Dierdorf to be hired at the Jerk, joining Stapleremover-83, Mu-shu-41, Carpet-9, Pepe-99 and Houseplant-26.

Brumfield drawing found

A rare drawing of Ernest "Pretzel Face" Brumfield was found by assistant staff pinecone Arthur Alvarez-Shell Sunday afternoon.

The H.J.H.S.B.T.S. (Hey Jerk Historical Society and Bait & Tackle Shop) estimated the drawing was created in the early-1930s and placed its value at 37 salt packets.

Brumfield, who was tragically eaten by a seal in 2006, was the first pretzel faced-man to walk on a mule.

Nakahama hired

Hey Jerk officials have finally filled the role of Walter Scout by hiring Clarence Nakahama, according to a brillo pad containing tap water near the situation.

Nakahama will take over for Edwin Kwon, who in November, 2012 retired and moved into a refrigerator in the apartment of Doris Lee.

Nakahama, besides being in charge of Walter/Walt recruitment, will also have a sculpture made of hot dogs of himself outside Jerk headquarters.

"It's truly a great day for hot dogs," said hot dog, 25.

Hot dog bun, 28, declined comment.

Arthur and Edgar Flumm

Arthur Flumm Esq.

Edgar Flumm VII

PP Calhoun III Welcomed

Pork Product (PP) Calhoun III was welcomed to this Earth at 7:14 PM GST 4/7/13 by his mother, Henrietta, and father, PP Jr.

Abe Pakooka Photo

Mr. Pakooka was unavailable for comment.

- Wob Wobbins

UPDATE: PP III was eaten by an owl at 8:06 GST this evening and is no longer with us. 

Durly Cult Formed in Wichita

A Darren Durly Worship Cult has been formed in Wichita, Ontario.

The primary focus of the cult will be to bring to light all of Darren Durly's accomplishments, with an emphasis on his donkey related feats, in a deadly and violent manner. First order of business was to kill little Johnny O'Bule.

More to come.

- Wob Wobbins

UPDATE: The Darren Durly Worship Cult has been disbanded.

DURLY KILLED

Longtime hated a**hole and pig pirate enthusiast Darren Durly has been offed, according to officials from THRADD (The Human Race Against Darren Durly).

The following photo, stamped for authenticity, has been released.

Durly (DEAD)

Durly, who was spotted at his favorite mom 'n' pop joint, Xomcheese's, was immediately confronted by THRADD Treasurer Bill Petunia.

"I saw the man slicing into a squirrel sandwich on rye and confronted him immediately. He threw the squirrel (still living) into my face, screamed profanities in Russian, and began to fly away. Luckily, THRADD officers had the place 'cased' and we were able to put down Durly with one shot to the forehead. After he was confirmed listless, we beat him for over an hour to confirm he was no longer with us. All that's left is a bloody tooth and some Durly Dirt (trademark pending)."

The loss of Durly is being internationally celebrated, with second and third world countries alike naming today a national holiday.

The President of Uganda, Jim, stated "This day will be celebrated by our country for years to come. It is now a national holiday and all will be granted the day off of work for celebration."

Wally stated "Its about time. Durly was an a**hole."

Durly's brother, Daquan, is still on the loose and being hunted by the Durly Foundation, in addition to several other anti-Durly establishments.

- Staff Durly Correspondent Wob Wobbins

Capolo names: the week that was

Capolo Henderson Name List

Began: 3/25 at 3:43 p.m. EST
Ended:  4/1 at 3:43 p.m. EST


Marvin Levy

Buck Hooheh
Special Agent Warren Foo
Fart Foogan
Private John Coolie
Thomas Rondo
William Boatshoes, MD
Trevor Whott
Book Yukkah
Larry Lohooga
Dr. Horace Bagley
Frederick Bungalow
Juan Bungalow
Muckamule Fonshoggna
Dr. Overbay
Oggo Hornsby
Clive Schmukel
Billy Schmukel
Jorr Aj
Hogstram Applegas
Clive Bunkman
Economy Calhounowitz
Buttmud Harris
Olaf Hornsby
Shmugoewe Harris-Blyland
Billy Hornsby
Ronaldo Rondo-Beisbol
Jeff Bagwell
Trovo Fuong
David Johnson
Verne L
Larry Louisville
Julius Irving
Otie Quagmeier
Starfish Crugg
Fonk Fooheh

Gastenavich To Wear #14

Myron Gastenavich, who recently signed a four-year, 6 million egg shell contract to defect from Henntberry of the Shallow-East Legaue to play for the Hey Jerk Bison softball team, has decided to wear the jersey number 14 for the upcoming season.

Gastenavich, who has a Gastenavich family record five noses, is expected to play right field for the Bison, who are coming off a 17-93 season that ended with the passing of beloved manager/outfield fence, Marty Wickle.

Photo Found of Forgotten Fempot

A rare photo of Solomon Fempot was found near Hey Jerk headquarters, one of the only objects saved from the great fire/mayonnaise spills of 1938.

Fempot was one of the original members, along with Solomon Bankroft and Solomon Easler, of the musical group The Solo-Men. He also had his right arm eaten by a Horace Queh lookalike during the 2002 Queh Games.

Other photos found Saturday:

* Pile of pebbles
* Lt. Lavelle Rondo w/pet snake
* Photograph of a camera


- Correspondent Zoozey-Zwon Zenzer

Heads of the "The Fuqwa Five" found on sticks

The heads of the famous Fuqwa Five were found on sticks on the banks of the Queh River Saturday afternoon. A salmon named Murray was swimming by when he noticed the five heads and immediately called the authorities, leaf.

"I told you earlier, until I find out if my step-brother Horace was caught and eaten, or if he is, in fact, that fish swimming over there, then I have no comment," Murray said in a statement released by a mud pile.

[Fuqwa Five on sticks. By staff sketch artist Doris Zerk]

The Fuqwa Five received national notoriety in 1993 when they were nearly eaten by a grizzly bear, but instead befriended the bear and the bear, 43, later married Clarence Fuqwa. In 1998, the remaining four brothers-Pee-Po-Gee-Johng, C'Rnickieo, Ortt and Verch-formed an acoustic guitar quartet, but quickly disbanded because none of the brothers had arms.

In January, Ortt set a national record for most eyeglasses worn simultaneously (11).

Hey Jerk Plotka Fights: Rosen V. Albert

Hey Jerk Enterprises is proud to present a new running series here at the Jerk, entitled "Hey Jerk Plotka Fights For a Sun-Shiny Day."

The first order of business will be, of course, the Plotka fight.

Contenders

Marv Albert

Albert's Plotka is well known for its role in the romantic comedy "Me and My Toupee: A Love Story." It is believe that Marv's Plotka, Hank, also ran for mayor of Boise in the late 90's but ultimately bowed out due to allegations of mule racketeering.






Sam Rosen

Rosen's "piece," Fester, mysteriously starts 4 inches beyond the farthest reach of his forehead, prompting some experts to call it the "half-plotka." However, that doesn't take away from the fact that Rosen's hairpiece is undefeated in international bouts, an astonishing 1-0-0 (defeated Andy Reid's mustache in a 3rd round TKO.)




Round by Round Analysis of the Fight

Round 1: Albert's plotka Hank comes out with a vicious left hook, stunning Rosen's plotka, Fester, and knocking him immediately to the mat. At the count of seven, however, Fester rises to his feet. Fester reaches into his rear pocket and pulls out a Suave Premium Hair Spray bottle, spraying it directly at an unassuming Hank, who screams and immediately runs to the locker room for managerial assistance. Hank refuses a return, citing emotional stresses, and is disqualified at 1:13 of the first round.

Winner: Sam Rosen's Plotka (2-0-0)

Loser: Marv Albert's Plotka (0-1-0)

Stay tuned for more Plotka fights in the near future exclusively at The Jerk.

Rare photo found

A rare photograph of Walter Jimecki was found at the scene of a 45-rotini noodle boiling Tuesday afternoon.

Jimecki was the first man with potato chips for hair to be inducted into the Lettuce Toss Hall of Fame (July, 2002), but since becoming an international superstar following his world-record seven gold  tongs at the 1986 Salad Olympics had refused to appear in any photographs. His wife, pencil, had completed several drawings of Jimecki in 2009, but all but one were destroyed after her run-in with Jimecki's ex-girlfriend, eraser.

The photograph has an estimated value of $340,000, according to that lady standing over there by the stop sign.

HJ Late Night Monday Eaten Report

Mi-Shingo Lohooga (1999-2013)

EATEN

For any information you may have on the whereabouts of Mi-Shingo's elephant, Howhan, please contact Bob Feathers at bobbyfeathers@gmail.com.

Jazzawick Era Begins; "Historic Day For That Area Over There"

Hey Jerk made a historic hire Monday, bringing on Jamison Jazzawick as a staff editor. Jazzawick is the first peanut eye man to be hired in the Jerk's 83-year history, though Beth Coughlin, a pastrami face, was hired as staff cantaloupe in May, 1983.

"It's a historic day for that area over there," said Hey Jerk president/grass stain appraiser Ernest Yockcheese while pointing. "Jazzawick stood out among dozens of peanut eye people, including Peanut Eye Percy, who has delighted pigeon rodeo fans for decades. But Jamison showed us what he could do at a water fountain when he drank for longer than anyone while wearing the most turtlenecks during our thirteenth annual Water Fountain Olympics last Friday. We had to make the hire."

Wong hired

Jo-he-Jo Wong has been hired as staff impersonator, according to a phone book turned to the "I's" with knowledge of the situation.

Wong, the step-brother of world-famous cashew whisperer Jo-he-Jo Pong, already has a preliminary impersonation schedule lined up:

April 2 - Capolo "Toes" Henderson
April 17 - 38th floor water fountain 3
May 6 - Johan Peedle
May 22 - the ghost of Sam Rosen
May 28 - cup of orange juice
June 11 - Glenn Minkus
June 29 - [ant farmer to be named later]
July 4 - America

Wong - photo taken December, 1982


* UPDATE - 10:51 a.m. *

Wong passed while impersonating a tomato.

Staff Doctor, Butt, Hired

Hey Jerk has announced the hiring of Dr. Butt, who will occupy room 578 at the headquarters building. Along with his duties as staff doctor, Dr. Butt will also be cast as himself in the upcoming Miguel Beisbol off-Pepano production, Room 578.

The rest of the all-star cast:

Rodrigo Hamonde as the talking ankle hair
Sure Sureok as herself
Chi'Kwondavius Briles as postage stamp
Beverly Von Easley as Sure Sureok
blue sweater as sweater #3
Anach Levinsen as the desk drawer of hope/heartache
Darlene Torkowski as Ernest Yaycheeze
Lil' Zrayjon as Pastor Dre "Magic Sundays" Leonard
Mo Yorlap as puddle water
Patty Elzernick as Jo-he-Jo Pong
box of illegitimate crayons as themselves
Jill Jamison & Trent Bibswitch as Aunt Maranda and Uncle Gweenis


Play opens April 14 at Hey Jerk Auditorium & Worm Shop

Rare drawing found

A rare drawing of Jayqwon Pepano, the "lost in Kansas City, Missouri Pepano" (This is My Autobiography, Please Read It, by Samson Slyde, Yockcheeze Press, 1997) was found Friday afternoon.

According to Jerk rare photo appraiser/apple core fight coordinator Geraldo Beisbol, the photo is valued at 3,500 leaves.

Thursday cancellations

Attic Hockey

Tommy's Team vs. Paysoon Grocery store #144 - ppd (house repossession)
The Blue Line vs. (no team name) - moved to April 6

Public sawdust eating

Fran Eenis - rescheduled for 4:30 p.m.
Deandre McWhorter - rescheduled for 7:00 p.m.

** All sawdust eatings held at Delwood City town hall **

Scratching the bottom of Vince Sanderson's feet

Pre-scratch now at 5:45 p.m. and foot scratching scheduled for 6:15 p.m.

Men's 50-over basketball

Midrange Jumpers vs. Team Green - game moved to March 24

Hey Jerk Quick Bios: Ronaldo Beisbol

Hey Jerk would like to introduce a new series: Quick Bios. First on our list.....

Ronaldo Beisbol

Name: Ronaldo "Hammertime" Beisbol
DOB: 1-1-14
Height: 4'3"
Weight: N/A
Lineage: France, Brazil, Pluto
Harold: Yes
Partner: Maria Klein-Beisbol
Comments: Likes walnuts, walks in the lions den at the zoo, William Petunia's Greatest Hits Vol II, dislikes walnuts, anything blue

LIMITED TIME OFFER

For the first time in Jerk history, we are having an exclusive, invite only auction. The item for sale, you might be asking? Please see below.

Trash from Marty Shmemwoth's 1998 Corolla (left in shopping cart at Target in Alpharetta, Ga)

Not included: Large, black rubbery looking item (being donated to HJ Museum)











The auction will be held at Oscar "The Real Deal" Rainbow Memorial Auditorium on March 25th at 4 AM EST. If you would like to request an invite, please email oscarrainbow@gmail.com to inquire.

- Staff Auctioneer Sam Rosen's Plotka

Beisbol-Durly born

The Beisbol and Durly families announced the birth of P'qwon Beisbol-Durly, who arrived on planet Pepano Tuesday at 11:53 PM.

The parents, Ronaldo Beisbol and Hashonney Durly, said their new son was 133-pounds, 11 ounces and wearing pink, striped pants, and that he has already landed an assistant manager position at the Conyers (GA) Burger King.

His nose was named Pierre.

Visiting hours are Friday and Saturday from 9:30 a.m.-1:00 p.m., and visitors are encouraged to bring young Beisbol-Durly a slice of salami.

Ghost of Sam Rosen hired

The Ghost of Sam Rosen has been hired as Staff Sam Rosen, reported several news outlets Tuesday evening.

In a related story, the Ghost of Sam Rosen's plotka has also been hired as Staff Sam Rosen's Plotka.