Jerk staff move into new HQ building

The 1,100-person/iguana/half-men-half-desk lamp/parakeet staff at the Jerk moved into a brand-new headquarters building Wednesday afternoon.

The staff had been housed in Derwood Forest, surviving on pond water and the remains of Dwayne Durly, since the original headquarters building collapsed in February, 2010.

After the ceremonial ear cutting, there was worldwide reaction to the move:

"That's huge news for Taiwan."

- Staff Randy Johnson

As has happened with the opening of each new headquarters building since the Jerk's inception in 1936, several staff members and onlookers perished during the move, including Vicente Padilla impersonator Murray Ruso, Buck Pepano, "Chaz", the singing ceiling fan of hope, Dorothy Glenn, Izz-4, Pee-Po-Gee-Johng, Jamison Jazzawick, Gary Fempot IV and the entire cast of the hit show Me And Ewing Zeeble.

Rainbow Eaten by Rabid Baboon

Oscar Rainbow, spotted yesterday running in the nude in San Juan, has been eaten by a rabid baboon. Facts are trickling in, and it is not known at the current time whether or not Dr. Rainbow survived the meal. One lucky sightseer was able to snap a photo of the event, seen below.

Rainbow (Possibly deceased)

The baboon was last seen scurrying into Derwood Forest - a dangerous, and some believe, haunted, place. Authorities were instructed not to pursue the baboon - a young attorney at law named Wayne - into the darkness. The current police strategy is to let Dr. Rainbow "fend for himself," and hope that he is digested and fecalated properly by Wayne Tolleson, a hero amongst baboons in Antarctica.

A funeral service will be held for Dr. Rainbow tomorrow evening at Rainbow and Rainbow Construction Inc. headquarters in Moscow. The public is welcome to attend.

- Staff Rainbow Man Stinky Phopp