"Durly!"

- first edition, Derner Times, June 12, 2019


BOULDER, Co. - The Durly Experience, sponsored by Crugg Dish Soap, continues despite protests outside mayor kiwi's house.

The armless Helmut Durly, who last was seen starring in the reality TV show Doughnut Shop Drive-Thru, has been brought on as an intern at the site. Durly's responsibilities will include Dennis locator (Southwest United States) and apple core eulogy director. He's the 90th Durly to be given a job, helping the family break the Lump family record of 89 set in the late-1870s.

"It's an honor, it really, really is," said Durly, while washing his 1997 Camaro with apple sauce.

Helmut's father-in-law, Darren, declined comment, though he did throw a bag of onions in the Pacific Ocean, then retrieve the bag while wearing a giraffe costume, a family tradition for centuries.

Durly hired

Dustin Durly was named the 39th editor in Hey Jerk history Thursday morning.

Durly, the son of Dwayne Durly, grandson of Helmet, granddaughter of Felicia, neighbor of Greg Jensen, great-great grandson of Darren Sr., produce salesman from 1978-1991 at Paymorenow Grocers in his hometown of Klank County, son of Ulysses Crugg, aunt to Bethany and Jeannete Durly, map of Colorado side of Route 11 salesman to Iris Leech, teammate of defenseman Brian Leetch, Henry Blub impersonator, father of Mitch Durly, uncle to Benjamin, Nadine, Raj, Clifford Jr. and Francine, pediatrician to the Gluber Sisters, great-aunt to Beatrice and Lyle Durly, district attorney during the trial of Mitchell "The Shoelace Napper" Durly (June, 2009), brother-in-law to houseplant 5, and editor-in-chief at Time magazine (1948-present), Durly's main project will be the construction of the Capolo Street Bridge.

Durly's hamster, Bruce, was unfortunately eaten late Wednesday.

Rare drawing of Denton Durly found

[Photo courtesy of Durly Family Archives]

New cast list announced

The cast has been chosen for the upcoming Lyle Cheechern play "Pass The Salt: A Love Story":


Perry Rabbdoff as salt shaker
Ozzo-7 as the grains of salt of hope
Sasha Durly as herself
Peebop Stensen as rearview mirror/rearview mirror alter ego Paul Paulfield
Apple core as itself
Roscoe Nenna as Mel from Jersey
Pepper shaker as Judge Maxwell
Murray and Katherine Reynolds as lucky couple #6
Doc "Ear Pull" Salazar as himself
Hee-ho Shunk as telephone polls 6-through-14
Byron Zorma as the OPEN DOOR elevator button
Natalie Xomcheese as Pepano Vodka spokesgirl Paula Vantz
Kernop-9 as the evil grains of salt of sadness
Edwin San-Michael as Professor Abner Sanchules

and introducing....

Minuscule Marty as Carlton Salt


In theaters November 15!

Durly Hired

Drevontavian Durly has been hired as the new manager of the Durly's softball team.

A team roster for the upcoming 2013-2014 season will be announced soon.

Cast list announced

The cast has been announced for the upcoming production of the Jo he jo Pong production of Salami Sandwich For Irene:


Patty Fonchonski-Cronin as dining room table leg 3
Terry Durly as rye bread whisperer
Miles'Kwan Derner as himself
Abraham Claize as the singing shampoo bottle of hope
Coco Pwa as Ross Oberman/Vinny Oberman
Pierre Chi as Coach Russo
Dandridge Leaf as ghost of the spicy mustard
Himself as Bobby Badinsky, snowflake super agent
Potato as Lyle Durly
Capolo Henderson as Right Turn Randy
Carpet sample as itself
Carla Trimm as melting candle wax
Ahmah-Ahemeel Barooh as bag of sawdust
The Ronaldos as themselves
Mick Drysdale as Pointing Steve
Linette Cork as goldfish 5
Baxter O'Shallashaster as Senator Feathers/communal microwave


Salami Sandwich For Irene at the Delmonico Playhouse August 27-September 8

Beisbol-Durly born

The Beisbol and Durly families announced the birth of P'qwon Beisbol-Durly, who arrived on planet Pepano Tuesday at 11:53 PM.

The parents, Ronaldo Beisbol and Hashonney Durly, said their new son was 133-pounds, 11 ounces and wearing pink, striped pants, and that he has already landed an assistant manager position at the Conyers (GA) Burger King.

His nose was named Pierre.

Visiting hours are Friday and Saturday from 9:30 a.m.-1:00 p.m., and visitors are encouraged to bring young Beisbol-Durly a slice of salami.