RE: The Gary Population

Over the last several decades, a lot has been said in the Russo Times and other publications about the overflow of Garys and the possibility of a Gary Population Explosion (G.P.E.) by the end of the new millennium. The editors at the Jerk have obtained documents from two southern states in these United States of America to help shed some light on Gary invasions and the possible spike in Gary-related kitchen utensils by the year 2075.

Here are two such reports-an email plea from a distinguished Belfonte from the state of South Carolina and a letter from a Puppitch in the state of Georgia:



Hi,

My name is Daquaggo Belfonte and I'm emailing you with concern about the study I recently conducted on increased Gary activity in the state of South Carolina. After 12 weeks of research, we found that Garys worldwide were flocking to the state with wreckless abandon, sometimes even bringing along Lennys or Phils. At most recent count, we had over 4,000,000 Garys in Central South Carolina and rising. Obviously, an established society stands no chance of prospering in such a situation and will most likely meet its demise within months.

I'm hoping that you can provide some guidance on the Gary problem that I have uncovered with the hopes of saving many lives, and, perhaps these United States of America.


Sincerely,
Daquaggo Belfonte



Good evening,

I am Nuddles Puppitch, head of Harrys and Barrys throughout the southeastern United States. As our studies have shown, not a significant enough Gary population growth has occurred to warrant any further investigation. There was a guy named Gary who came into the deli for a roast beef sandwich on rye, but he was turned away for his stance on P.I.D. (pants in a deli). As for the Gary who stormed the courthouse steps in the summer of '88, that matter is best left to the very courts with which he soiled his dungarees upon.

I now consider the matter Boris.


Then,
N. Puppitch, May 8, 2003

McGonk Fired

Early Wednesday, Hey Jerk officials realized there hasn't been a pig on site at headquarters since the Pig Uprising & Bacon War of 1977, so staff pig farmer FooFoo McGonk was fired.

McGonk came on board during the late-1990s in an attempt to force the rebel armadillos from their hiding place in Capolo Forest. McGonk and his army, desk calendar, defeated the rebels, then enjoyed a delicious cheese and Fonchonski pizza while debating the existence of asparagus-flavored toothpaste. In 2008, McGonk was responsible for ending the 3rd War of Many Cruggs, and earlier this year declared his love to his toaster oven, Blaine, which didn't go well for either party (Toaster Oven Fires of 2011, Russo Times).

Though the position of pig farmer has been eliminated, early reports indicate McGonk's old staff position will be filled by longtime American salad hero Percy L'Shon.

Also: McGonk is dead.

Wendell Update

Wendell Hannington: Alive


Source: Russo Times, July, 2011