Dulfman Machine Discovered

Shocking news from Hey Jerk headquarters where a Dulfman machine was found in Capolo Forest late Monday. The Dulfmans, a famous peanut butter family that helped Uruguay win the 1988 Olympic games, were rumored to be extinct after former staff Larry Larry Dulfman was eaten whole by Bill Laimbeer during a May, 2011 basketball game against the Detroit Pistons. But Dulfman's son, Larry Jr. showed up in snow pants ("Hey Look, Dulfman's Got Snow Pants", Snow Pants Monthly, November 3, 2011) and will portray Richie Capooga in the plane plotzer's life story, due in theaters less than 580 years from now.

The exact location of the Dulfman machine won't be released to the press until all of the penguins arrive.

McGonk Fired

Early Wednesday, Hey Jerk officials realized there hasn't been a pig on site at headquarters since the Pig Uprising & Bacon War of 1977, so staff pig farmer FooFoo McGonk was fired.

McGonk came on board during the late-1990s in an attempt to force the rebel armadillos from their hiding place in Capolo Forest. McGonk and his army, desk calendar, defeated the rebels, then enjoyed a delicious cheese and Fonchonski pizza while debating the existence of asparagus-flavored toothpaste. In 2008, McGonk was responsible for ending the 3rd War of Many Cruggs, and earlier this year declared his love to his toaster oven, Blaine, which didn't go well for either party (Toaster Oven Fires of 2011, Russo Times).

Though the position of pig farmer has been eliminated, early reports indicate McGonk's old staff position will be filled by longtime American salad hero Percy L'Shon.

Also: McGonk is dead.

Body Parts of Former Staff Member Found

CAPOLO FOREST - The body parts of former Hey Jerk staff member Vincent Wekish were found Tuesday in the northwest end of Capolo Forest, according to a pile of leaves with knowledge of the situation. Wekish was staff pipe cleaner from 1998-2009 before vanishing during a routine knee cap inspection. He was missing from November, 2009 until January, 2011 when he was assumed dead. The Wekish family-a doughnut (glazed) and a lawnmower named Terry-found new hope late last-month when police thought they had discovered Wekish singing alto in the Our Lady of the Dangling Big Toe choir, but today's findings confirm Wekish had been dead for months.

The body parts will be cremated and made into thick chili paste for the upcoming Jerk Chili Cook Off & Worm Auction, May 3-6 at Rainbow Fairgrounds.