Did you have a 44.6 inside a bar restroom and you've cleared the entire next day for reflection? Here's a handy guide to get you through the festivities:
1. Look in the mirror and ask "which direction is my life headed?"
2. Phone call to your mother to tell her about the past 24 hours and that your life is spiraling out of control.
3. Read the best-selling book Spiraling Out Of Control by Terry Torkelson.
4. Begin your search for Jesus.
5. Find Jesus.
6. Put a moist towel on your forehead. Name the towel "Jesus".
7. Spend two minutes inside the mouth of a hippopotamus.
8. Move to Cincinnati, Ohio.
9. Marry a toaster oven.
10. Eat some gravel.
11. Remove all carpet from your home.
12. Shave off all of your hair.
13. Go to the roof of the nearest pet store and rub parmesan cheese on your head.
14. Find a man named Bernie and declare your love for him and/or his pet goldfish.
15. Bowl with a head of lettuce.
16. Reevaluate your life choices.
17. Spray paint HOT DOGS RULE on a highway overpass.
18. Take a nap inside a washing machine.
19. Change your name to Doug McGintley.
20. Fall asleep underneath your couch.
Source: The Capolo Group
July 31, 2012
Mike Leach Brought On as Staff Nostril
In breaking news, Mike Leach has been hired to take the role of Staff Nostril at the Jerk.
Leach
The Jerk released a statement on the hiring through Staff Idiot Oscar Rainbow:
"Today is a day of pride and rejoice amongst 'staffers' here at the Jerk, as we welcome Miketonovo Leach on as Staff Nostril. Not only will Dr. Leach fill a role we have been seeking to fill for over a century, he will bring years of experience in the Nostril spectrum with him. We intend on becoming a leading nostril firm before the fiscal year 2012 is over. Rainbow - out."
Please join us in welcoming Dr. Leach on staff. His nose, Arn, refused comment.
- Staff Leach Man Oscar Rainbow
Leach
The Jerk released a statement on the hiring through Staff Idiot Oscar Rainbow:
"Today is a day of pride and rejoice amongst 'staffers' here at the Jerk, as we welcome Miketonovo Leach on as Staff Nostril. Not only will Dr. Leach fill a role we have been seeking to fill for over a century, he will bring years of experience in the Nostril spectrum with him. We intend on becoming a leading nostril firm before the fiscal year 2012 is over. Rainbow - out."
Please join us in welcoming Dr. Leach on staff. His nose, Arn, refused comment.
- Staff Leach Man Oscar Rainbow
July 24, 2012
Editor Oscar Rainbow Relocates: Breaking
Oscar Rainbow, editor and long time pig embalmer, has relocated.
Rainbow
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Once considered "firmly entrenched" (Orlando Sentinel - August, 2004) in Fannyville, GA - Rainbow decided earlier this year that it was "time to get the hell out of this dump." Rainbow packed up his hippos, and is believe to be in the process of relocating to an unknown location in Cleveland. .
NOTE: Video may contain graphic language or content. View only if accompanied by gorilla.
While it is not yet know who the "coolie-man" he refers to in the video is, Rainbow was last seen fleeing Fannyville in a yellow Ford pickup with and ostrich in the passenger seat. Until further notice, the "coolie-man" should be considered extremely gaseous with the intent to distribute.
Dr. Rainbow is to be considered dangerous until found not dangerous. Please do not attempt to approach him without authority protection, as he has recently been attempting to eat all those who come within a 10 foot radius of himself.
If you have any information on the whereabouts of Big O', please email ernieploop@gmail.com for a substantial reward.
- Staff Rainbow Beat Writer Francois Crugg
Rainbow
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Once considered "firmly entrenched" (Orlando Sentinel - August, 2004) in Fannyville, GA - Rainbow decided earlier this year that it was "time to get the hell out of this dump." Rainbow packed up his hippos, and is believe to be in the process of relocating to an unknown location in Cleveland. .
NOTE: Video may contain graphic language or content. View only if accompanied by gorilla.
While it is not yet know who the "coolie-man" he refers to in the video is, Rainbow was last seen fleeing Fannyville in a yellow Ford pickup with and ostrich in the passenger seat. Until further notice, the "coolie-man" should be considered extremely gaseous with the intent to distribute.
Dr. Rainbow is to be considered dangerous until found not dangerous. Please do not attempt to approach him without authority protection, as he has recently been attempting to eat all those who come within a 10 foot radius of himself.
If you have any information on the whereabouts of Big O', please email ernieploop@gmail.com for a substantial reward.
- Staff Rainbow Beat Writer Francois Crugg
July 22, 2012
Meet a GCSA Team: West Ferguson Alleycats
Location: West End, Ferguson City
Team name: Alleycats
Stadium: VC&V Park
Capacity: 15,000
Owner: Bert Nimmitz
GM: vacant
Manager: Murray Barfield
Last season: 25-16, 4th place
Southwest Conference
C: Chooch Mondale
1B: Otis Pinkly
2B: Hymel Berroa
SS: Marty Eefis
3B: Kirk Whirble
RF: Vic Pryor
CF: Joyce Vanderells
LF: Kirby Samples
UT: Mike Gallego
SP: Chickadee Baker
SP: Bo Jolsen
RP: Zi-Fong Karoo
RP: Samantha Martinez
CL: Johnny Pepper
July 12, 2012
The birth of Oscar Rainbox
July 12, 2012 - 9:44 p.m.
[Rainbox's cat, Little Mo also making his debut. Photo taken April 27, 2012]
[Rainbox's cat, Little Mo also making his debut. Photo taken April 27, 2012]
July 10, 2012
Cast List Announced
The cast has been chosen for the upcoming Boo Pock presentation of Corcoran Ku: Escape From:
Rajahmesh Quinsley as Oosh Lylo
Wurr Wizzleshon as melting butter
Plondis Mockmoodle as himself
Whoa! as Corcoran Ku
Allah Allahh-Ahlmah as talking tub of leaves
Little Jorge as sand
Plantis Mockmoodle as herself
goo as Herzish Noodle
Cookie jar as itself
Lontsten as As
Yoopez Durly as ghost of ham sandwich
In theaters August 1!
Rajahmesh Quinsley as Oosh Lylo
Wurr Wizzleshon as melting butter
Plondis Mockmoodle as himself
Whoa! as Corcoran Ku
Allah Allahh-Ahlmah as talking tub of leaves
Little Jorge as sand
Plantis Mockmoodle as herself
goo as Herzish Noodle
Cookie jar as itself
Lontsten as As
Yoopez Durly as ghost of ham sandwich
In theaters August 1!
Foof era ends
Sad/delightful/chili-flavored news out of Jerk headquarters this afternoon as longtime staff member Aarwin "Every Other Thursday" Foof has lost his life. Early reports indicate Foof, who averaged 7.3 rebounds per game for the 2008 NBA champion Minnesota Timberwolves, tried to live in a refrigerator to "win a bet with a cockroach", but perished in the vegetable crisper at approximately 12:45 p.m. ERST.
"It's what the vegetable crisper would've wanted," said the freezer in a statement released by the refrigerator's lawyer, door handle.
Foof's purple sedan body will be auctioned off at the Jerk's 4th annual Body Part Auction & Spaghetti Cook-Off, August 7 at the Capolo Auditorium.
July 9, 2012
Monday night cancellations
* Softball
- Team 4 at Julio's Bar & Grill - postponed (pigeon). Make-up date: July 17
- Chubby Ankles at Johnny Johnington - postponed (rain puddle). No make-up date announced
* John Kruk look-alike contest: rescheduled for January 8, 2014
* Laundry detergent drinking contest. Semi finals rescheduled for Thursday; finals for Monday, July 16
- Team 4 at Julio's Bar & Grill - postponed (pigeon). Make-up date: July 17
- Chubby Ankles at Johnny Johnington - postponed (rain puddle). No make-up date announced
* John Kruk look-alike contest: rescheduled for January 8, 2014
* Laundry detergent drinking contest. Semi finals rescheduled for Thursday; finals for Monday, July 16
Rainbow goes 17th Overall to Bison: Report
Recently committed Oscar Rainbow was surprisingly still on the board at 17, and the Bison were quick to choose him in the 2012 HJBD yesterday.
Rainbow
The Bison have had a need for a steady presence at the 4 spot since Ru-Ru McDoogle lost his underwear in late August of 2009. They believe that Rainbow can "contribute immediately, and pull down 1-2 boards a month for our squadron," according to GM Hydro Foofane-Winston. "We will depend on Mr. Rainbow to not only pull down a board, but to contribute 35-40 points a night in Coach Keady's famed seven-walrus offense."
Rainbow Bio
Name: Oscarowitz Lucas Rainbow III
DOB: Unknown
Height: 4'9"
Weight: 276 lbs
Left Foot: No
Country of Origin: Mars
College: Johannesburg Institute of Pig Tendon Removal. Played the 1 for Coach Henry Hooheh and was elected to office in March, 1988
Comments: Prides himself on work ethic, armpit hair. Believes in "one almighty governor of the Earth - Chet Binkley." Once ate a mule after losing a bet with Harold Hooheh. Famously quoted as remarking "Lettuce isn't the enemy here, lettuce saves lives."
While signability may be an issue, the Bison are well below the cap for the 2012 season and will be able to offer Mr. Rainbow a substantial multi-year gary, should he accept.
Rainbow's number 23 jerseys are now for sale for $300. Please email oscarrainbow@gmail.com for more information.
- Staff Idiot Oscar Rainbow
July 5, 2012
Boddington Update
9:52 p.m. LST - Potts Boddington and his assistant, J.J., who lives on Boddington's back, have been spotted near Piso Lake, according to lake spokesman Lyle Lake. Hey Jerk officials also received word Boddington was planning to eat a piece of toast, but those reports were never confirmed.
Boddington, a sawdust war veteran, is expected to take his weekly soy sauce bath Friday morning.
- Correspondent Oliver Durly
[Boddington and J.J. Photo taken March, 1977]
Boddington, a sawdust war veteran, is expected to take his weekly soy sauce bath Friday morning.
- Correspondent Oliver Durly
[Boddington and J.J. Photo taken March, 1977]
July 2, 2012
Rainbow Mistaken for Gene Keady
Oscar Rainbow has been mistaken for Gene Keady.
Keady/Rainbow
Durf Wenkle was passing by HQ on his morning jog when he began screaming "Mr. Keady, Mr. Keady! Is that you?" Soon after, puzzled, Mr. Rainbow approached Wenkle, threatening to eat him. Wenkle became enraged. "You'll pay for this, Gene. I've loved you my entire life and this is how you repay me? You haven't heard the last of Durfenshire Wenkle!" With that, Dr. Wenkle ran into the woods.
Oscar Rainbow has been taken to the Aunt Estelle Home For The Clinically Keady and is being evaluated by doctors on hand. It has not yet been determined if Rainbow must be put down or can continue to be a part of society.
Updates to come.
- Staff Keady Man Wilbur Hogshine
Keady/Rainbow
Durf Wenkle was passing by HQ on his morning jog when he began screaming "Mr. Keady, Mr. Keady! Is that you?" Soon after, puzzled, Mr. Rainbow approached Wenkle, threatening to eat him. Wenkle became enraged. "You'll pay for this, Gene. I've loved you my entire life and this is how you repay me? You haven't heard the last of Durfenshire Wenkle!" With that, Dr. Wenkle ran into the woods.
Oscar Rainbow has been taken to the Aunt Estelle Home For The Clinically Keady and is being evaluated by doctors on hand. It has not yet been determined if Rainbow must be put down or can continue to be a part of society.
Updates to come.
- Staff Keady Man Wilbur Hogshine
June 27, 2012
Art contest winner named
"Charlie The Mule"
Rory Bartles, Clugge County
This month's winner will receive one dinner roll and a lifetime pass to the Jerk's Mustard Museum.
June 25, 2012
Nose hired
The Jerk has announced the hiring of a new nose, Mort.
Mort is attached to Craig Luxford's face, but Luxford was not given a staff position after he ended his Monday morning interview by bathing in an egg salad wading pool and videotaping the proceedings.
The video, titled "Eggs For Craigs", was later eaten by staff editor Capolo Henderson.
Meanwhile, Mort comes to the Jerk with plenty of experience, including sneezing for Patricia Clarkson in 1997, and winning "Largest" and "Closest to the Sky" at the 2003 Nostrils.
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Finally, Dangerfield on Board as New Editor
Rodney Dangerfield, formerly Staff Ugly for the rival blog capolosmellslikeonions.blogspot.com, has been brought on as a new Staff Editor.
Dangerfield
Dangerfield, who is blind in both eyes and has a second rear end on his chest, is looking to bring a new style to the Jerk, with his toilet humor and lack of personal hygiene. Dr. Rodney's left ear fell off during the proceedings, but his right ear remains (deaf). Dangerfield's nose, Henry, refused comment.
Dangerfield can no longer "speak," but did make a noise in response to his hiring:
"Mehhhhhhh."
Dangerfield strongly resembles fellow editor Oscar Rainbow, who did not comment on the hire. Granted, Rainbow isn't happy and will most likely retaliate (carrot).
Please expect Mr. Dangerfield to "expire" within the next few hours, before he can contribute.
- Staff Doo Donkey Face Nelson
Dangerfield
Dangerfield, who is blind in both eyes and has a second rear end on his chest, is looking to bring a new style to the Jerk, with his toilet humor and lack of personal hygiene. Dr. Rodney's left ear fell off during the proceedings, but his right ear remains (deaf). Dangerfield's nose, Henry, refused comment.
Dangerfield can no longer "speak," but did make a noise in response to his hiring:
"Mehhhhhhh."
Dangerfield strongly resembles fellow editor Oscar Rainbow, who did not comment on the hire. Granted, Rainbow isn't happy and will most likely retaliate (carrot).
Please expect Mr. Dangerfield to "expire" within the next few hours, before he can contribute.
- Staff Doo Donkey Face Nelson
June 21, 2012
Durly Buys Hat, Starts Anti-Rainbow Campaign
Darren Durly, Staff Idiot and voted 1999's "Most hated person on Earth," has started an Anti-Rainbow campain "with the goal of murdering Oscar Rainbow."
Durly (New shirt and hat)
The self proclaimed "Doctor" with only 3 years of formal education, stated that the local Atlanta bureau of his Anti-Rainbow Coalition (ARC) will be formed immediately, and already has just north of 700 souls volunteering. Other venues will open "around the globe, until we have the force needed to eliminate Rainbow once and for all, or at least to ship him off to Mercury."
Expect more statements from Durly and his people in the near future.
- Staff Idiot Darren Durly
Durly (New shirt and hat)
The self proclaimed "Doctor" with only 3 years of formal education, stated that the local Atlanta bureau of his Anti-Rainbow Coalition (ARC) will be formed immediately, and already has just north of 700 souls volunteering. Other venues will open "around the globe, until we have the force needed to eliminate Rainbow once and for all, or at least to ship him off to Mercury."
Expect more statements from Durly and his people in the near future.
- Staff Idiot Darren Durly
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