Darf Ferera Hired

Job description: Plunger historian

Let's welcome to the Jerk Mr. Ferera and his band of salamander cronies.

Queh Campaign Begins

Wooso Hired

Fiwwus Wooso has been hired on as Staff Walnut Cracker, according to Staff Correspondent Beauregard Fimmons.

Wooso



In addition to walnut encompassing responsibilities, Wooso will also be responsible for all Pistachio related matters.

Please join us in welcoming Wooso to the staff.

- Ed Xomcheese

T-Shirts Sales Update

Here are the top-selling Hey Jerk t-shirts, as of May 25:

1. "Crugg Lives" - 245,000 sold
2. "Save Fat Neck Glenn" - 210,000
3. "Zirnbo14 Fan Club" - 180,000
4. "Qwondixon's OQueh With Me" - 168,000
5. "Bower Power" - 145,000
6. "Why Not Wallysen?" - 130,000
7. "Save Chollioh" - 107,000
8. "Capolo: Reduced Salary" - 92,000
9. "Fonchonski: Finally Dead" - 19
10. "Tuftberry" - 4

Bradley Eaten

Candidate Nope Bradley was eaten by a grizzly bear, according to a rock with a patch of grass near the situation. Bradley, who earlier in the day had entered the 2010 election with the hopes of swaying the caterpillar vote, was 36-potatoes old.


- Staff correspondent Darf Ferera

Bradley Enters Race

Hey Jerk Mayo of the Week

Fro Mayo

[fro-may-o]

New Hey Jerk T-Shirts

Fonchonski "Finally Dead" shirts


$10 each
email c.compelio@gmail.com to order

Second Half of Seckinway/Pompelio Ticket Brutally Assassinated

Oz Seckinway, once a candidate on the Seckinway/Pompelio "Change the World '10" ticket, has been brutally murdered by new Staff Shrimp Boat Captain Clem Idelby. While it is currently unknown as to why Idelby murdered Seckinway in cold blood, it is believed that he had no reason.

"I just wanted to kill him," said Idelby.

Seckinway (Dead)


No charges are being pressed at this time, nor will they ever be pressed. Everyone here at The Jerk hated Seckinway.

- Staff Seckinway Man Clark Snuggelwibby

Idelby Hired

Hey Jerk has announced the hiring of Clem Idelby as shrimp boat captain. Idelby has no experience at sea, though on a date with an envelope in January, 2005, he did eat several shrimp.

"There will be more Idelbys," Clem said. "And when they arrive, a number of staff members will perish in lawnmower accidents."

Femmwooss Hired

Clinton Femmwooss, of the Idahoan Femmwooss clan, has been hired on at The Jerk. Femmwooss will take on the Staff Hard Boiled Egg position, complimenting Staff Soft Boiled Egg Buck Cruff-Fonchonski.

"I got experience in this area," said Femmwooss.

Femmwooss


Femwooss has been looking at a position at The Jerk since his longtime lover Rimbert Holmschmitt was assassinated. It is believed he will exact revenge around the blog.

- Staff Correspondent Beauregard Fimmons

Flying Potato Lands at HQ

2:40 p.m. - A mysterious flying potato landed at Hey Jerk headquarters a few minutes ago. After repeated attempts to communicate with the potato, the strange creature doody'd on staff editor Capolo and flew away.



[Artist's rendering]

Jesper Rainbow Picks VP, Enters Race

New Staff Paulfield Hired

Morahead Paulfield, distant niece of recently deceased Paul and Pauool Paulfield, has been hired on to take on the vacant Staff Paul Paulfield Position.

"I'm honored that someone would kill my brethren to give me that extra push I needed to get into office," said Morahead Paulfield, "and I may even enter a ticket."


Paulfield



In other news, recently slain Barry Ossining has been replaced by cousin Barrold Ossining, claiming the role of Staff Barry.


Ossining

Ossining makes no promises as to his performance after his hire. Both will start effective immediately and will be present in Jed O'Schmallfoot's weekly planning meeting tomorrow morning.

- Staff Correspondent Dungo Templeton

Ossining Finally Dead

Cause of death: elbow overdose


Ossining
1792-1918
1927-2010

Paufield Dead

The string of limb-loss and death continued at Hey Jerk when longtime Staff Paul Paulfield Pauool Paulfield was killed by Bower-supporter Ducky Vanderells.

"I did it for Bower," Vanderells said.

Possible Paulfield replacements include:

* Poolface Paulfield
* Pauool Paulfield Sr.
* Gary Paulfield
* Arapaho Paulfield (deceased)

Olin Pock Hired as Staff Photographer, Promptly Killed

Olin Pock, brother of dead political candidate Rory Pock, was hired on as Staff Photographer earlier today, but unfortunately was immediately killed.

Pock (Dead)


Initial reports from the Rainbow camp have claimed responsibility for the slaying.

"We killed him, because he was horrifying ugly. It was a quick thing."

The case has now entered the court systems.

- Staff Correspondent Beauregard Fimmons

Bower Loses Limbs, Rolls Away

Bower, entrant in Decision 2010, has lost his limbs and subsequently rolled away, according to Staff Correspondent Beauregard Fimmons.

Bower (Rolled Away)


Bower, an early entrant into the race and a frontrunner at one time, will no longer be around to be part of The Jerk in any way.

- Staff Correspondent Beau Fimmons

Muresan Enters Race, Promises Nothing

Pock Throws Raisin in the Hat, Submits Ticket

Hey Jerk Hires Rainbow's Half-Brother

Hey Jerk has announced the hiring of Jesper Rainbow, half-brother of staff editor, Oscar. Jesper will handle the duties of acorn historian, taking over for the recently-deceased Helmet Sherman, but the 51-year old is also expected to correspond from a field, and handle any inter-staff asparagus fights.

Rival Manager, Pock, Slain

"I did it," said Pal Fimply.

Pock (Dead)



- Staff Pock Correspondent Willy Wonka

New T-Shirts Available

$5 each
email c.compelio@gmail.com to order

Report: Rainbow Withdraws from Race

A Hey Jerk source has confirmed staff editor Oscar Rainbow has withdrawn from the upcoming election, citing missing toothpicks as the reason.

Rainbow will continue with his editor duties, as well as his managerial stint with the blog softball team.

Hey Jerk Softball Lineup Announced

Hey Jerk Pepanos
2010 squad

Manager

Oscar Rainbow



Career record: 14-83
Moment of shame: Ejected from April, 2008 game for home plate unearthing/theft.


Coaching staff

Capolo



1st-base coach/restroom attendant
Playing career: Hit .117 for Class M Qwekinger Diablos of Rivervalley League (1982)


Ed Xomcheese



Third-base coach
Playing career: Ate 11 hot dogs during seventh stretch of 2003 game against Oridea Technical Institute.


Buck Crugg-Fonchonski



Pitching coach
Pitching philosophy: "Throw soft and carry a lot of envelopes"


Starting lineup

1. Jose Lind, SS
2. Michael Ian Bower, 1B
3. Pal Fimply, 2B
4. Fat Neck Glenn, DH
5. Pauool Paulfield, LF
6. Nadine Wexley, RF
7. Chon Zavier, 3B
8. Settle Roundhead, CF
9. Trevor Travis, C

SP Chuck Frozengard


First game is scheduled for June 2 against fonchonski.blogspot.com at Queh Field

Pompelio Makes First Hire

Cotton Pompelio has made his first hire. In a shocking development, Pompelio agreed on a trade with rival blog Fonchonski.blogspot.com to re-acquire Raul Mondesi. Pompelio agreed to give up recently deceased Wungstin, former Staff Nose Picker.

"They had a need for a dead nose picker, and we had a need for a Mondesi." said Pompelio. "It just made sense and tomatoes."

Mondesi will take on the role of Staff Raul Mondesi.

Mondesi

- Staff Correspondent Beauregard Fimmons

After Years of Debate, Staff CEO Hired

Cotton Pompelio, great, great grandfather of recently deceased Bennet Pompelio, has been hired on as Staff CEO, according to Rodney Glenn. As Staff CEO, Pompelio will report directly to Jed O'Schmallfoot.

"I'm angered to have received this position," said Pompelio, "and will do everything in my power to sabotage the financials of this blog until we file Chapter 43."

In a surprise move, Pompelio immediately hired his grandfather, Rockwhay Pompelio, to hold him up.

"I got experience in this area." said Pompelio.

Cotton (CEO, Top) and Rockwhay Pompelio


Please join us in welcoming the reign of Cotton Pompelio as Staff CEO.

"Pompelio Forever!"

- Staff Correspondent Godfrey Filibuster

Feathers Campaign Billboard Defaced; Candidate Unfazed

QWEKINGER COUNTY - Inappropriate graffiti was discovered on candidate Bobby Feathers' campaign billboard Thursday morning. The vandalism is part of a difficult week for Feathers, who Wednesday learned he had fathered an illegitimate plum, hours after finding a sunflower seed had been glued to his ear.

"We're going to press on with this campaign," Feathers said to his toaster oven. "I never thought someone would stoop so low to not only spray paint the 'P' word onto our billboard, but leave a pile of the 'P' word on the lawn in front. It's a dark day for billboards."


- Campaign correspondent Settle Roundhead

New Staff Dentist Hired

Hey Jerk has been without a Staff Dentist since the unfortunate passing of Dr. J. Jerry some months ago. No longer. We here at The Jerk are proud to announce the hiring of Dr. Stan Xomcheese, new Staff Dentist.

Xomcheese


Dr. Xomcheese comes to us with over zero hours of experience, and is accredited to practice dentistry by the Uruguagian Dental Board (UDB).

Bio

Name: Stanley Xomcheese
DOB: 13-2-03
Height: Unknown
Weight: Unknown
Spouse: Don Xomcheese
Affiliations: Uruguagian Dental Board, Xomcheese U. Badminton Club, Waffles
Comments: Successfully removed hippo molar (Nicholas) - September, '26

Please join us in welcoming Dr. Xomcheese to the staff.

- Staff Correspondent Beau Fimmons

Unknown Glenn Enters Race

Zern Glenn, long-lost brother of Fat Neck Glenn, appeared at Hey Jerk headquarters Tuesday afternoon and immediately entered the 2010 race. Glenn said he has not yet announced a running mate, but the smart cereal is on Cabrera Pompelio, who was just released from prison after serving three years for toe nail-smuggling.

Amidst Slayings, Rainbow Enters Race

Vipp/Poppadopolis/Wungstin/Pompelio Killed; Several Tickets Affected

In shocking news, several key members of campaign tickets have been assassinated by Wordsworth Fimply, esteemed elder of the Fimply Five and known Pinecone sympathizer.

Bennet Pompelio (Dead)


Gheryn Vipp (Dead)


J.P. Poppadoplis (Dead)


Wungstin (Dead)


Oz Seckinway, who was on a ticket with the slain Bennet Pompelio, is believed to be involved in the assassination. An investigation is underway, but most likely wont find anyone responsible.

In light of these assassinations, look for a new ticket to enter the race sometime this evening.

- Staff Correspondent Beauregard Fimmons

Vipp/Poppadopolis add Wungstin to Ticket

The Vipp/Poppadopolis campaign made a shocking announcement Monday, adding Staff Nose Picker Wungstin to its ticket. Wungstin, a native of Zerbak, is the first inter-planetary figure to throw his garbanzo beans into the bucket.

- Golly Bernird reporting from Vipp/Poppadopolis camp

Hey Jerk Mayo of the Week

Bo Mayo

[bo may-o]

Mondesi Traded

After dropping several photocopies and falling down and spilling his coffee on his way to a Sunday meeting, Hey Jerk traded Staff Raul Mondesi Raul Mondesi to rival blog fonchonski.blogspot.com for a half can of grape soda.

An unidentified staff member threw a tomato at Mondesi as he left headquarters. Mondesi tried to corral the fruit, but instead missed it completely.

Hey Jerk Movie of the Week

Capolo Reportedly at O'Shoogie

Staff correspondent Golly Bernird reports Capolo has checked into O'Shoogie Asylum after the Hey Jerk editor's pants were stolen Sunday afternoon.

"I've had those pants since the war in '43. I can't live without them," Capolo said through his attorney Nandaway Bwon.

The pants, blue, could not be reached for comment.

Wallysen Pooed On; Jed O'Schmallfoot Makes Name

Wally Wallysen has been pooed on by Jed O'Schmallfoot, and has subsequently run away.


Wallysen




In his place, Jed O'Schmallfoot has taken over as Staff Mogul.

"I'm not going to change anything around here, besides offing some people and hiring some Pinecones." stated O'Schmallfoot.

O'Schmallfoot, new Staff Mogul




Please join us in welcoming the reign of the O'Schmallfoot.

- Staff Correspondent Godfrey Filibuster

Mondesi Gets Shirt Patch

Staff Raul Mondesi Hired

Raul Mondesi gets position over other interviewees Schmon Fattingly and Gompo Wimmply.

Mondesi

- Staff Correspondent Godfrey Filibuster

Wallysen T-Shirts Hit Streets

Also available:

- "We Wuv Wally"
- "Why Not Peterson?"


$20 each
email c.compelio@gmail.com to order

Holmschmitt Dies

Rimbert Holmschmitt
1741-2010

Vipp/Poppadopolis Enter Race