New hire

Hey Jerk has announced the hiring of a staff cereal man, Varook Didier. The Qwimm County native has worked exclusively with flakes over an 11-year career, but is expected to oversee all aspects of the blog's cereal division, including bran, multi-grain and most cereals with banana.

With the blog's dwindling resources, Didier will not be paid, though he will have private access to the barbecue sauce pool.

Other Didiers are expected to arrive on the Didier Bus, early next month.

Fonchonski's Face Eaten, Starts Rival Blog

Former staff chef Mrooble Fonchonski had half of his face eaten by a crocodile, according to a pelican with knowledge of the situation.

In response, Fonchonski started a rival blog to compete with Hey Jerk for readers and mayonnaise.

Fonchonski blog



- Staff correspondent Bobby Feathers contributed to this story

Staff Car Purchased, Need for Limo Service No Longer Necessary

The Jerk has used spare change found under sofa cushions around headquarters to purchase its first staff vehicle, Xavier.

Xavier, a 1938 something, will at first be exclusively available to Staff Tyrant Flumpton. However, it is believed Flumpton will make the staff car available to all employees in the near future.

Xavier


Xavier Bio

Name: Xavier
Age: 72
Sexual Preference: Audi
Spouse: Harry, Deceased (1983)
Comments: 1 wheel drive, 1 HP

- Staff Car Correspondent Ed Xomcheese

Lanugo Found in Spaghetti Sauce

Staff detective Richard Lanugo was found in a pot of boiling spaghetti sauce, late Monday. The temperature of the sauce was not known at press time, making the next few minutes vital to Lanugo's survival.

If Lanugo does perish by spaghetti sauce, or is mistaken for a bay leaf and eaten, Hey Jerk will have full coverage.

More McCaffertys Dead; New Staff Tyrant Appointed, Vows Revenge

In breaking and shocking news, newly born Milliliter McCafferty has been found dead, along with his great, great uncle Don McCafferty, in a trashcan outside of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Initial reports indicate a possible murder-suicide scenario. Below are the last known photos of the men.

Milliliter McCafferty

Don McCafferty

This marks the fourth McCafferty death here at The Jerk in just under 3 weeks, something new Staff Tyrant Nedford Flumpton vows will not continue.

"Things are going to change around here under my rule. Change unlike anything that has been seen since the Ernger Sanchules reign of aught '10."

This is believed to be the last of the McCafferty's remaining alive. Several Qqumbans have scheduled a Staff Parade to celebrate. Time and date TBA.

More information on the McCafferty deaths to come. No funeral is scheduled.

In seperate news, Nedford Flumpton has taken over as Staff Tyrant, replacing the largely unsuccessful reign of Buck Crugg-Fonchonski, who has been retained as Staff Soft Boiled Egg.

- Staff Correspondent Shonsen Pepano, Jr.

Not Pictured - Tronzo Guomp

New McAfferty Born

Milliliter McAfferty
.1 OZ

New Hire

Hey Jerk has dipped back into the Qwumba talent pool, announcing the hiring of Chlembhat 16 as staff computer technician. It's the third interplanetary hire in the past three months.

"Niennyert ensbort," said Chlembhat.

Mysterious Growth Found on Crugg-Fonchonski

Hey Jerk staff king Buck Crugg-Fonchonski has been diagnosed with Clumms Disease after doctors discovered a Donovan Fimply growing out the top of his head.



It's the second affliction for Fonchonski in the calendar year-a cheeto stuck in his eye socket left the 83-year old bed-ridden for nearly four hours in January.

Crugg-Fonchonski will begin treatment immediately.

Pepano Wandering on Highway

Vincenzo Pepano, part of the Assassination Three, was seen wandering around on Highway 17 in downtown Clibber, Wednesday afternoon. Pepano, one of several staff members with arms growing out of the side of his head, was last seen flagging down a van outside Hey Jerk headquarters, Monday morning and hadn't been heard from or seen until this photograph arrived by hippo.

Pepano, 56, has a history of accepting rides from snowmen, though it's not expected to affect his upcoming nostril theft trial.

**UPDATE - 2:34 p.m.**



Pepano dies. Cause of death: unknown

Queh Dies Again

For the second time this year, Zokmo Queh has perished. Early reports have Queh dying in a Queh-related onion fight, though nothing has been confirmed.

Stay with Hey Jerk, Tuesday for updates.

Zokmo Queh - He's Back

Zokmo Queh is back. After a long hiatus, Zokmo is back.

He's back to the blog to do things.

"I'm Back."

Zokmo Queh


Zokmo is expected to challenge Crugg-Fonchonski for Staff Leader.

- Staff Penguin Herder Doug Wen

Lind Dies

Cause of death: mustard

Fonchonski Goes Undercover, Investigating Blog Operations

"There's something fishy going on around here, and I'm going undercover to get to the bottom of it," Mrooble Fonchonski said. "With the assistance of Staff Detective Dick Lanugo, I'm going to uncover every seedy operation going on at this blog. And it all starts with Crugg-Fonchonski and Rainbow."

Startling words from Fonchonski, who has decided to take a leave from the blog to go undercover and investigate what he calls a "conspiracy" at The Jerk. While Fonchonski would not go into detail, he did give a hint to what he would be doing over the next several days.

"I'm going undercover."

Below is the latest photo of Fonchonski, believed to have been taken early this morning after his undercover campaign had begun.

Fonchonski


Details to come as the investigation unfolds.

- Staff Correspondent J.J. Klecko

Not Pictured - Remmy Friswold

**ALERT**

**STAFF ALERT**It has come to the attention of the staff that a chameleon and a giant sloth have escaped the local zoo and natural history museum and are headed for Headquarters. Please take all precautions indicated in such a situation, including removing all sliced American Cheese from your pockets. **end alert**

New Hire

Irgwirm Shonskey has been hired as the new Hey Jerk Staff Shonskey, beating out fellow Shonskeys Kelnwick, Nertrum and Vippo.

Irgwirm, who last held employment during the Employment Holdings of 1981, has an arm (w/ wrist watch) growing out of the side of his head, but the growth isn't expected to interfere with his work at the blog.

"It's not expected to interfere with his work at the blog," said a guy in green shorts.

In other news, Gallon McAfferty's funeral will be held sometime in early-April, 2010; the date and time will not be released to the public, nor to McAfferty's family.

Staff King Changes Name

Buck Crugg, recently appointed Staff King, has changed his name.

"I liked the sound of it." was the released statement from the Crugg camp.

Buck Crugg will now go by Buck Crugg-Fonchonski. Many believe this has political ramifications in light of the new and powerful Fonchonski presence here at The Jerk. Mrooble Fonchonski, president of the Anti-McCafferty Alliance and Chief Fonchonski, released this statement.

"We here at the AMA and Camp Fonchonski were delighted to hear that our almighty king has decided to take on a hyphenated last name. It honors us to even be considered in such a light. And, we paid him."

Crugg-Fonchonski


- Staff Correspondent Settle Roundhead

New McAfferty Born

Liter McAfferty
.2 OZ

Fonchonski Associate Offs Gallon McCafferty

Known Fonchonski associate Bill (William) Quempton has killed former Staff PR Man Gallon McCafferty. This marks the second McCafferty death in as many days. Will there be more McCaffertys around the blog?

"Count on it." remarked Oscar Rainbow, in his first statement since his retreat to the jungle.


Quempton


In related news, it has been discovered that Quempton is the first person associated with this blog in over 2 months to have all of his extremities.

- Staff Correspondent Shensen Queh

Not Pictured: Zeelski Obergateau

Pint McCafferty Found Dead

Pint McCafferty, with his new nose, was found dead early Saturday morning.

McAfferty Acquires Nose

Assistant PR director Pint McAfferty, rumored to be dead as late as Thursday, is alive and has a new nose.

The nose, black, was acquired in a trade for a meatball sandwich and a box of envelopes.

"I'm very happy with my new nose," said McAfferty. "I can't wait to sneeze!"

Queh Update: Shensen Eaten by Gorilla

Shensen Queh
1881-2010

Two-Fifths of New Alliance Dissapears

The recently-formed Anti-McAfferty Alliance (A.M.A.), designed to take down the McAfferty family and its boss and Hey Jerk PR Director, Gallon, lost two of its members, Friday. Shensen Queh, believed to be dead or eaten by possum before showing up to the initial A.M.A. meeting, Thursday, and honorary member Fat Neck Glenn have each gone missing.

Early reports indicate Queh was heading out for a hobo sandwich when his wheelbarrow tipped over and, ironically, fell into Queh River. He is presumed dead.

Fat Neck's disappearance is still a mystery, according to A.M.A. president Mrooble Fonchonski.

"It's still a mystery," Fonchonski said.

McAfferty, under heavy scrutiny since joining the blog five days ago, still had no comment.

Fonchonski, Xomcheese, Pinecone and Queh Form Anti-McCafferty Alliance

Mrooble Fonchonski, Ed Xomcheese, Theo Pinecone and Shensen Queh have combined to form an Anti-McCafferty Alliance (A.M.A.). It is thought that this group will protest and its main course of action will be violence, mainly assassinations.

Staff PR Man Gallon McCafferty had no initial response.

Flyer

Fonchonski Not Dead, Goes on Killing Spree, Gives Self Staff Position

Mrooble Fonchonski, recently reported eaten, is alive.

"Never was eaten," said Fonchonski, "so I decided to off some folks."

Staff Chef, Zirnbo 14; Staff Vlenstock, Arnie Vlenstock; and Staff PR Man's brother, Pint McCafferty, were all victims of Fonchonski's spree.

Vlenstock

McCafferty

Zirnbo 14

While his motive is still under investigation, preliminary reports suggest that Mrooble was sour with The Jerk for the recently mis-reported story of his death, and wanted revenge. He offed Zirnbo 14 to take his position as Staff Chef. The reasons behind Vlenstocks and McCaffertys slayings is unknown at this time, but Mrooble gave a hint. "They were ugly."

Fonchonski (New Staff Chef)


In unrelated news, Staff Hippo Man Squib Cotillion has regenerated.

- Staff Hippo Larry

Lost Crugg Found in Dumpster

A Crugg, tentatively identified as Wendell Q. Crugg, was found in a local dumpster. The Queh and McAfferty families had no comment at press time.

Staff Dictator Sanchules Resigns, New Staff King Appointed

Staff Dictator Ernger Sanchules has resigned effective immediately, but has agreed to stay on staff as Staff Gorilla. "Had enough of this place - all you got here are a bunch of staff members who don't really exist and do nothing."

In his place, the once MIA and now known to be the last Crugg - Buck Crugg - has accepted the role of Staff King.

"I'm going to change things around here. "

That's all Cruggs camp had for now - more to come later.

Crugg


- Former Staff Dictator Ernger Sanchules

Hey Jerk Name of the Day

Edgar Xomcheese

(ED-gur ZOM-cheese)

Cotillion Left With Just Eyes, Torso

- Staff Contributor Vic Vonchezzley

McAfferty Hires Brother as Assistant

Staff PR Director Gallon McAfferty hired younger brother, Pint as his assistant. Chen Charles, recently fired as a contributing writer, was a finalist for the position, but felt McAfferty gave preferential treatment to his family member.

"It's the good-ol-jug network," Charles said from inside his potato fort.



McAfferty getting back to his roots at Queh River (November, 2008)

BREAKING: He's Back!

Fat Neck Glenn, once a staple here at The Jerk, is back. Considered a sure-bet to one day run this blog, Glenn fell into mediocrity, holding positions such as Staff Dentist, Staff Doctor, and Staff Dead Doctor. Shortly after, Fat Neck was believed to be dead.

However, as of this morning, The Jerk has agreed to hire on the now alive Glenn as Staff Poo Man.

"I'm glad to be back, and poo will take a whole new direction around here. I'm going to put some order around the poo chaos!"

Glenn


In unrelated news, Arnie Vlenstock is dead. More on that later.

- Staff Hippo Man Squib Cotillion

Not Pictured: Ed Xomcheese

Vlenstock Found with Black Eye

QWEKINGER COUNTY - Staff Vlenstock Arnie Vlenstock was found with a black eye and several cuts and scrapes after an alleged altercation, late Monday. Vlenstock's lawyer, T. Vanderils Kwon, said a nearly four-year rift with the Queh family had nothing to do with his client's condition.

"This is an isolated incident not involving salad dressings, shoelace weaponry or any Quehs," said Kwon. "We'll release a statement when we obtain more information."


Other staff news

Fired: Chen Charles

Mrooble Fonchonski Dead

[Eaten by Mildred Fonchonski]

PR Man Hired; Blog's Name Changed

Gallon McAfferty has been hired as the staff's new public relations director and the 31-year old has already made huge changes. McAfferty, who can be filled with anything from spring water to 1% milk, has renamed the blog "Peanut Butter Randolph" in honor of his best friend and lunchtime hero, peanut butter.


- Staff peanut butter correspondent Q'Wayne Charles

Xavier Holmschmitt Born

Siblings: Rimbert (brother), Cashanda (half-sister), Brum (peanut)

Pinecone About to be Vacuumed

The head of former staff president Ted Pinecone is about to be sucked into a vacuum, according to a carpet sweeper with knowledge of the situation.

It is not known at this time what happened to the rest of Pinecone's body, which was made entirely of frozen thousand island dressing.


- Staff Vacuum Cleaner Tragedy correspondent Settle Roundhead

Sanchules, Staff Dictator, Makes Changes

New Staff Dictator Ernger Sanchules made his first change today, changing the name of the blog to "Cotillion's Blog of Hippos."

"It has a nice ring to it," said Sanchules, "and thats the kind of marketing we need around here."

In addition to this, Sanchules re-hired recently de-nosed Staff Comedian Squib Cotillion as Staff Hippo Man. "I'm honored." said Cotillion.

Subsequent to the Cotillion hire, a sign was mysteriously posted on the door of the Hey Jerk headquarters.

Hey Jerk Front Door

Cotillion Has Accident

While having routine nose-point-removal surgery, former staff president Squib Cotillion had his feet and most of his legs eaten by a rabid hippopotamus. It's the end of a difficult week for Cotillion, who was removed from office, Tuesday and watched his good friend Adonde Sanchules perish in a roast beef sandwich incident a few hours later.

The hippo, Ken, had no comment.

Holmschmitt Pledges Support

Qwondixon Queh T-Shirts Now Available

To become a member of the Qwondixon Queh Fan Club, email membership@quehtime.com

New Dictator's Tombstone Ready

With the surprise announcement of a self-appointed staff dictator, Ernger Sanchules, the remaining members of the Queh family have created a tombstone for when Sanchules meets his demise.



Experts believe that could come as early as Friday morning and as late as late-Friday morning as Sanchules has already made enemies among the Hey Jerk staff and has stolen several staff members' thoughts, including:

* Editor Capolo wondering if his left arm is shrinking
* Staff dentist Jerry Jerry's fear of bologna
* Back door lookout Trevor Travis' lawnmower fantasy

Staff correspondent Bonk Bredley is stationed outside the Sanchules camp and will provide around-the-turkey coverage throughout the week.

Ernger Sanchules Claims Responsibility for Slaying, Appoints Self Staff Dictator

"This blog needed a leader. This blog needed direction. Im going to provide it."

That was the initial statement by Ernger Sanchules, long lost brother and nemesis of Adonde Sanchules, had to say when releasing a statement to the press claiming responsibility for the nights actions. He also had this to say:

"I had to get rid of Adonde, because I knew he was a Cotillion-man and had an affiliation with Sausage Jickson," stated Ernger, "So I formed an alliance with the Pepano clan, and we took care of business. I'm going to be making some changes around here."

"We did it." said the Pepano brothers.

Sanchules - new Staff Dictator


Donovan Fimply, Sanchules' first hire, had this to say:

"He'll be dead by weeks end, mark my brussel sprouts." Odd statements from a man just hired by Ernger Sanchules himself.

We will have more updates as they come.

- Staff Hippo Larry

Donovan Fimply Appointed New Staff Doctor/Staff Sanchules

In a shocking, nearly immediate move. the camp claiming responsibility for the recent Cotillion removal and A. Sanchules slaying wasted no time in appointing a replacement Staff Doctor/Staff Sanchules, Donovan Fimply.

Fimply


"I'm honored to take a position at the blog where my assassinated brother, Pal, once resided. I plan on honoring the Sanchules name, and being and exemplary doctor/Sanchules."

It is believed that the camp responsible for the shake up at The Jerk will reveal themselves shortly.

- Staff Doctor/Staff Sanchules Donovan Fimply

Cotillion Forced out of Office, Sanchules Killed

In a move that is believed to preface something much larger in scope, Squib Cotillion has been "forcefully coerced" out of office. No camp has claimed responsibility at this hour, but it is believed that this tactical plan will be followed up by installing a new Staff President in the coming hours - by force.

"It's not right," said Cotillion, who will remain on as Staff Comedian, "I was going to change things around here. I was fighting for the little people, like Adonde Sanchules."

In what might be a related move, Staff Doctor/Sanchules Adonde Sanchules was found brutally murdered at his box under the 15th Street bridge. Similarly to the removal of Cotillion, no camp has claimed this slaying. However, it was widely known that Sanchules was a vehement Cotillion supporter, so intial reaction may be that he was slain to remove any chance of rebellion amongst the staff after the Cotillion removal from office.

Sanchules (Dead)



More to come as the night progresses.

- Staff Comedian Squib Cotillion

Sanchules Tree Discovered

BERBER COUNTY - A Sanchules tree, believed to be the only one of its kind, was found near the Thumb Store on Highway 11, early Tuesday. The tree's Sanchules are not edible.

Frompley Dies

Staff Meteorologist Rocco Frompey died early Tuesday morning.

Cause of death: steak sauce overdose.