Rainbow Fired

Staff editor Oscar Rainbow was fired Monday evening in an attempt by the Jerk to distance itself from the accused foot odor killer. Rainbow has had a checkered past, which includes countless slayings, two trips to O'Shoogie insane asylum and a heated argument with a ladder that resulted in the abduction of Flip Derner (Kleppitch Times, May 19, 2010).

Staff dictator Emmitt McKenna said the firing was "permanent" and that all of Rainbow's socks were confiscated and burned. No plans have been made to hire a replacement.

Rainbow Kills 8

Breaking News from HQ this morning as Staff Lunatic Oscar Rainbow has struck again. Thought to have been locked away in a rubber room, Rainbow escaped late Sunday night according to Ollie Venkman. Rainbow snuck into HQ around 4 AM and offed 4 sleeping staff members, one already dead man (Bill), and three unknowns that were apparently hanging around HQ in the middle of the night. While the method of slaying is yet unknown, it is believed Rainbow killed them all via foot odor.

DEAD


From Top Left: Joel Joelson, Gubber Fegman (Unknown), William Bill (Re-Killed), Pete Muskie, Unknown, Rory Corcoran, Colten Pock, Unknown

None of these losers will be missed.

- Staff Lead Correspondent T. Bibswitch

Bibswitch Hired

In a huge, first time event here at The Jerk, Trent Bibswitch has been officially hired on as Staff Lead Correspondent.

Bibswitch


Bibswitch, who is formerly Billbert Bogoba of the Wisconsin Bogoba clan, released the following statement upon learning of his hire (through is PR representative, Garold Fempot Jr.)

" Thanks."

- Trent Bibswitch

Gonfgin Passes

Blomptin assistant Goonf Gonfgin passed on to another phase of his life, death, according to a paper towel with spilled barbecue sauce of the situation. Gonfgin was one of the most-hated staff members in the Jerk's 17-year history and his passing left no one sad.

Gonfgin's funeral service was scheduled for March 4, but was quickly canceled due to lack of raisins.

DeLatardo Let Go

Hey Jerk has announced the firing of Ralph "Once A Day" DeLatardo. The 43-year old was seen in the woods behind Jerk headquarters shouting obscenities at a tree branch Sunday evening and editor Capolo made the announcement shortly after.

"We've all had enough of DeLatardo and his antics. He spends most of his time in the woods and the guy refuses to wipe his coolie," Capolo said.

After the firing, DeLatardo removed his dungarees and ran into wheelbarrow traffic.

Jellifish Sends In Resume - Under Review

Click for larger image

- Trent Bibswitch M.D.

First Ugglesby Brought Onboard

After a long wait, fear not Hey Jerk fans - the first Ugglesby is here. Fip Ugglesby of Flooton County has been brought on to fill the vacant role of Staff Assface.

Ugglesby


Upon learning of the blog's decision to hire him, Fip arose from his bed, went to the bathroom for his morning urine release, and went back to bed to continue his winter hibernation. Due to hibernation privacy laws we will not be able to announce Ugglesby's start date, but do not fear - Ugglesby will provide a valuable service here once he arrives. Until then, he'll continue to not care.

- Trent Bibswitch

McKenna Claims GaHarry Death

Emmitt McKenna, local poo-head (the McKenna family has poo for hair), has claimed responsibility for the recent slaying of self-appointed Staff Mogul and Glenn Assassin, Gary GaHarry.

McKenna


McKenna, who has flies surrounding his head (as do all McKennas) due to his doody hair, also appointed himself Staff Dictator, taking over for the 36 hour reign of Gary GaHarry. McKenna is planning on moving HQ to Rainbow Mountain.

Stay tuned for more updates from The Jerk with the first changes made by the McKenna administration.

Tuesday evening cancellations

Team 8 flag football: 7:00 p.m. game vs. Bog's Pizza moved to Heddinger Park
Paulsen Fabrics: burned down
Remaining Fonchonskis Together: meeting re-scheduled for February 25

GaHarry: Dead

Gary GaHarry
1918-2011
Cause of death: McKenna overdose

Balboni Hired

With the recent Balboni uprising at blogs like Fonchonski and Capolo's Armpits Smell Awful, Hey Jerk officials acted quickly in hiring Dominic Balboni as Staff Balboni. The 44-year old beat out several Balbonis for the gig, including Steven "Porkchop" Balboni, Anthony "Mush Ears" Balboni and Tim Davidson.

Dominic, who goes by "Dom" when he's wearing two or more pairs of pants, will begin immediately, recruiting other Balbonis to build a Balboni Army for the upcoming Sandpaper War.

BREAKING: GLENN DEAD

In shocking, horrific news, it is currently being reported that staff founder and president Fat Neck Glenn Minkus has been found dead this evening, as of 10:14 GST. Local reporter Woodford Chotchke was roaming the streets around HQ, naked, and spotted Glenn crumpled into a ball in a nearby sewage drain.


Glenn (DEAD)





"As I walked by, farting, I noticed a brown, wet piece of crumpled paper in the sewer. I looked down and heard whispering. Soon enough I realized this to be the great Rodney "Fat Neck" Glenn Minkus, who was saying "The GaHorry's won't get away with this...." with his last breath on this Earth."


This shocking revalation was not without more suprise, however, as new, self-appointed Staff Ruler Gary GaHorry quickly admitted to the assassination, claiming supremacy over The Jerk.


Gahorry (Staff Leader)



GaHorry, speaking through his secretary Gary Appleseed GaHorry Jr., had the following to say:


"I am now the leader here at The Jerk. Things will change now. No longer will the Glenns rule with a cardboard fist. The GaHorry reign will be painful, deadly, and full of odor."


As the reality of this shock settles in, The Jerk will continue to have around the clock coverage of the events as they unfold.



- Jetpack Jones

Hangy: DEAD

Peopull Hangy, longtime Staff Anal Cavity, was found dead this morning when Staff Editor Bobby Feathers woke up, rolled out of his sleeping bag, and found Hangy hanging out of his rear end, lifeless.

Hangy (DEAD)



"I went to make my morning doo, and saw Hangy's legs sticking out of my rear. I quickly, of course, went back to bed for a few hours. When I awoke, he was still there. I ripped him out with a crowbar and threw him out the window. " - Bobby Feathers

Hangy was an excellent staff member, lifelong bungie jumping fanatic, and homosexual. While it is not known why he entered Feathers' anal cavity in the middle of the night, he is DEAD.

- Jung Fegman

BREAKING: Uncle Leo Perishes

In light of the news that Uncle Leo has perished, we would like to honor him by hiring him on here at the Jerk as Staff Uncle Leo.

Uncle Leo


Please join us in welcoming Uncle Leo to our staff and into our hearts.

- Jung Fegman

Poobo Hired

Radish Poobo has been hired as Staff Poobo, a dandelion familiar with the situation reported early Wednesday morning. Poobo was a cast member on the 1980s television sitcom Avoiding Mildred, and he also ran for tax commissioner of Kippinger County in 2003, but was soundly beaten by a ride-on lawnmower.

Massimino Hired

Rollie Massimino
Staff Basketball Coach

Start date: May 6, 1988