Basketball coaching candidate: Pablo Yaz

Pablo Yaz

pabloyazok@yahoo.com

Basketball coach, goldfish psychiatrist

Coaching experience

1979-1986
Assistant coach, New York Knickerbockers. Helped Gerald Wilkins develop his now-patented "Peanutbutter Pullup Jumper"; married to center Bill Cartwright (November, 1985-May, 1986)

1989-1999
Head coach, California-Irvine B-team. Defeated Cal-Irvine varsity team in a scrimmage in October, 1992, thanks to my own lay up, "in traffic" with six seconds to play.

* Resigned as head coach in May, 1999 after photographs surfaced on the internet of my bare-chest covered in various deli meats.

2001
Head coach at Illinois-Wesleyan. I found a cracker that contained the face of our lord and savior and never coached a single game or practice.

2001-2012
With Jesus.

* Briefly imprisoned in 2004 for dog ear theft.

2013
Head coach, Lunce Valley Skydolphins of the Bog Piso Basketball League (B.P.B.L.). Team went 20-11 and lost in the semifinals of the Kerwin Daniels Conference Tournament.

Competitive eating 

1988: finished seventh at paper clip Northeast Regionals
1993: finished fourth at Sawdust Nationals
2000: finished 19th at notebook paper Mid-Atlantic Regionals

Jellifish Sends In Resume - Under Review

Click for larger image

- Trent Bibswitch M.D.

Resume Posted

In Hey Jerk's ongoing search to find a staff writer to replace the Autoscribbler 4000, we've been accepting resumes since late-November. Here's the latest from Ernie Tolsen:


Ernie Tolsen
erniep23@yahoo.com
555-1028

Experience

* 2008: Staff writer at Ear Cheese magazine
* 2007: N/A
* 2004-2006: Creator/writer of online blog, www.cabbagetestimonials.com
* 1998-2005: Revising resume
* 1995-1998: Assistant manager at Frank's Pet Shop. Fired-July, 1998 for improper distribution of bird seed to minors

Education

1995: Graduated from Francis Winfield High School

Extra-curricular activities
- Debate team critic for school newspaper The Whelp (jr, sr)
- Junior varsity badminton assistant statistician (fr, soph, jr, sr)
- Played "Gerniger" in school play Percussionist on the Roof (sr)

1995-1998: Bachelor's degree in Pleniquanics from Vanderells Technical Institute & Cafeteria

2004-2005: Completed two courses at Something's Cookin' Culinary School.

* Expelled-January, 2005 for "inciting more than five mashed potato riots within a calendar year"

References

* Deke Randolph, editor-in-chief at Ear Cheese magazine. 555-6767
* Beatrice Tolsen, grandmother/landlord. 555-1048
* Randy, imaginary friend since 3rd grade/best man at my fake wedding (May, 2003). 555-1028