BREAKING: GLENN DEAD

In shocking, horrific news, it is currently being reported that staff founder and president Fat Neck Glenn Minkus has been found dead this evening, as of 10:14 GST. Local reporter Woodford Chotchke was roaming the streets around HQ, naked, and spotted Glenn crumpled into a ball in a nearby sewage drain.


Glenn (DEAD)





"As I walked by, farting, I noticed a brown, wet piece of crumpled paper in the sewer. I looked down and heard whispering. Soon enough I realized this to be the great Rodney "Fat Neck" Glenn Minkus, who was saying "The GaHorry's won't get away with this...." with his last breath on this Earth."


This shocking revalation was not without more suprise, however, as new, self-appointed Staff Ruler Gary GaHorry quickly admitted to the assassination, claiming supremacy over The Jerk.


Gahorry (Staff Leader)



GaHorry, speaking through his secretary Gary Appleseed GaHorry Jr., had the following to say:


"I am now the leader here at The Jerk. Things will change now. No longer will the Glenns rule with a cardboard fist. The GaHorry reign will be painful, deadly, and full of odor."


As the reality of this shock settles in, The Jerk will continue to have around the clock coverage of the events as they unfold.



- Jetpack Jones

Fat Neck's Cousin Hired

Staff President Fat Neck Glenn showed some family allegiance today and hired on his cousin, Fred Minkus. Minkus is a paper bag from the Whole Foods Grocery Chain, and will take on the role of Staff Whole Foods Paper Bag.

Minkus


Minkus, who is an avid anti-Rainbow activist, is widely known to be an active assassin and quite possibly interested in offing Oscar Rainbow altogether. Being that Rainbow is currently incarcerated, however, Minkus will most likely bide his time as Staff Whole Foods Paper Bag until Rainbow escapes from or blows up the asylum and returns to The Jerk, pantsless.

- Staff Rainbow Correspondent Woodford W. Chotchke III