Winkelhaus Dead

Chemp Winkelhaus, former governor of over there someplace and the "fifth Lump", passed away Thursday night. Police reports indicate a witness saw Winkelhaus enter his Ruso Avenue home at around 9:45 p.m., then steak sauce began pouring out of the windows and chimney and Winklehaus was pronounced dead of a steak sauce overdose at 10:10 p.m.

A funeral has been scheduled for June 2 at 1:00 p.m., though no one on staff appreciated Winkelhaus' stance on same-sex deck sanding, and a light crowd is expected.

- Staff correspondent J.P. Poppadopolis