Wheatley Passes On

Hey Jerk officials have learned former staff correspondent and eyebrow model Chon Wheatley has passed away. According to an eye-witness account from editor Capolo Henderson's racquetball teammate, Darren Durly Jr., Wheatley was in his elephant costume, wandering around on the highway when he burst into flames, melted and ran into a nearby drain.

Wheatley's checkered past, which includes a May, 2009 arrest for impersonating a bag of peanuts, didn't factor into the Jerk's decision to hire him as a staff correspondent Saturday.

In his short time on staff he penned several articles, most-notably the Haboote Shershon obituary that single-handedly won Belgium the silver medal in the 1,600-meter dash.

Wheatley (photo taken February 17)

A funeral for Wheatley was planned for Sunday at 4:00 p.m., but quickly cancelled due to the availability of pigeon ushers.