Frozengard Missing; Rhino Attack Feared

Chuck Frozengard, retired Staff Hobo and local idiot, has gone missing from his perch above Jerk HQ, where he has been living in peace and blowing wind since late 2011.

Frozengard (Last known photo)

While little is known about the reclusive lifestyle Frozengard has embraced over the past year, a few facts have been verified as to his daily routines:

- He makes at 9 AM, 10 AM, 11:30 AM, 11:45 AM, 1 PM, 2 PM, 4 PM, 7 PM, 7:05 PM, and 9:30 PM daily

- He comes down from his perch to hunt gorilla at 3 PM every day

- He befriended a rhino (Gerard) in early 2012. Began "mating" with Gerard March, 2012

- Was seen arguing with Gerard late Apriil, 2012. Gerard overheard threatening attack on Frozengard
"and his people" for "rights due the Rhino civilization"

Other than these few facts, Frozengard's life remains a secret. He went missing from his perch yesterday evening, and is feared deceased

UPDATE: A ransom note has been located on HQ premises. Demands include "Rights due the Rhino civilization," a bag of salted walnuts, Ernest Zeck, and 14 dollars Canadian. Staff President Fat Neck Glenn has not yet decided if he will comply, or let Frozengard "move on to the next phase."

- Staff Frozengard Man Alfonse Quegg