Balloons found in tree

3:25 pm - photo taken by staff photographer Erwin Shouse

Nolan Shponk (and son) Hired

Breaking news developing out of Hey Jerk HQ this evening as Nolan Shponk (and son) have been hired on as Staff Wart Investigation Officers.

Nolan Shponk

(and son)

Nolan Shponk (and son) will be responsible for all wart/bunion related issues as well as be the lead administrators to the 2017 HJ Bunion Games. Teams registered thus far include Teds United, Accounting West Wing Floor 4, Ralph/Jim/Juan, Tires 'r' Us (not affiliated with the Jerk), Martha's Left Leg, and the 13th Floor Laundromat (minus assistant laundromat manager Jim Jobbo (deceased)).

Please join us in welcoming Nolan Shponk (and son) to our team!

- Staff Walrus Hippo Frogburger

"Machida found guilty"

Seffersburg, SA - Brunson Machida was found guilty of lettuce evasion Monday afternoon in the Vanderells County Courthouse & BBQ Barn. Machida, tulip, will serve a minimum of 11 months draped in several varieties of lettuce, including romaine and red leaf (Yankston County v Jenny Jolson, 1977).

Machida, born without legs, but with arm-legs & on schedule to receive ear-thumbs by Christmas, 2019, had been using a black market lettuce, "blettuce" since coming to Seffersburg from his native Yetz in the late-1990s.

Machida's younger brother, Yoloff, starred with Brunson for the Gendersberry Team at the '02 Ceiling Fan Nationals, but since had run into some trouble of his own with the law (provolone). To receive a lesser sentence for his crimes, Yoloff informed the police of his brother's ongoing lettuce problems. The two had been separated by a pile of fourth grader's drawings of elephants since December, 2016.

- Staff correspondent Grongo Zax

Estrada hired

Julio Estrada
Age: 46 years, 189 days & 3 hours as of August 10 at 1:00 pm
Position: wheat bread pincher (day shift)
Salary: $11
Goldfish eaten in last 36 months: none
Parking space: 188
Relationship to Dedrick Crisp: none
Statistics, 1992: .247 average, 6 HR


- Correspondent Betty Pink

Walltortoise Found Deceased

Simplicito (Randy) Walltortoise Jr. has been found dead.

Walltortoise (DEAD)

It is believed that Randall was chewed on by a whale for hours and washed up on HJ shores due to "high tides" somewhere around 2 AM this morning. Staff Donut Hole Edward Chotch located the corpse while out for his morning wee wee. 

"There was a body on the beach" - Ed Chotch

Walltortoise will be remembered for his excellent potato chip sandwiches and his fondness of Timbuktu. He leaves behind his wife of 88 years, Grizelda, and their pet monkey Juan (deceased). 

Walltortoise's cubicle on the 14th floor is available for scavenging, first come first serve (I've got the can of black beans.)

- Staff Idiot Chuck Frozengard

The Jolson family

Jolsons

[updated 6/17]


Janet Jolson
The Jolson II
Jerry Jolson + 1
Jam Jolson
Harriet Jello
Jolson (pita bread)
Vic Jolson, senior, RB/DB, committed: Nebraska
Jojo Jolson Jr.
Ernie Lonkleffer
Jucinda Jolson!
Ernie Jr.
Jerome Jolson
the pinecone crumbles - west stage, 9pm
Jefferson Jolson
Jeff Jolson
Geoff Jolson
J.J. Jolson
Julie and the Jolsons

Machado photo found

The first-known photograph of Orestes Muchado has been obtained by H.J.Goml photographer Damion Kerr.

SHOWINGS

Mon-Thurs: 10 am - 3 pm
Fri/Sat: 11 am - 7 pm
Sunday: closed (DJ Jesus Johnson)

Bagokie Hired

Al Bagokie (Okie Dokie) has finally come to salary terms with The Jerk and has officially been named Staff Rory Ashirmin, effective June, 2098.

Alvin Bagokie *Deceased

Bagokie is well known for his international Beluga Whale Impersonation tour, as well as being a drawing of something that looks like nothing. 

"He's just a bunch of lines." - Brian Gregory

Please join us in our celebration of Al Bagokie's hire in the Men's lobby restroom (stall B). First 20 to join receive a free banana peel! (Offer Revoked - Ted Gonch v. The City of Cleveland)

- Staff Chimp Dudley Foomb

Simon!

Simons all time

[Last updated: May 2017]


Simon Heddiger Jr.
Simon Shu
The Ultimate Simon
Simon Seemone
Is That Simon?!
Simon Clob
Simon from the book club
Simon Gafreda
Terry Cher
Simone Jahojo
Sy Simon
Simon Sellinger
Eddie Pink
JJ Simon (desk lamp)
Kenny Simon, 3B
Saul Simon
Sy Minn (meeting, 4pm)
Citgo station Simon
Simon Yetz
The Biggest Simon
Salami Simon

Bung family denies claim of employment

Mel Bung, a national champion book jacket-eating contest champion & first man to sail around the forehead of Marty Wilkins, had reportedly been offered a staff position (beach towel) Monday afternoon. The Bung family, led by Meredith Bung,

has since denied the report, stating only that Mel had been offered a side item with his turkey sandwich at a local delicatessen, Willard's.

"That's true, about the side item," said Willard's part-time server Jolynn Kramer. "It was either potato salad or coleslaw, and Mr. Bung still hadn't decided. I mean, come on, we're closing soon."

First Yoblian lands on Earth

What is believed to be the first Yoblian from the planet Kittenear (Panda galaxy 7) arrived at the headquarters building Wednesday afternoon, causing a panic/impromptu grass-eating contest.

The creature, whose already stated he prefers to be addressed as Lenny Bergeron Jr. and likes other people's ham sandwiches, said several thousand other Yoblians will be arriving over the next few months.

"Several thousand other Yoblians will be arriving over the next few months," said Bergeron through his interpreter, rubber band.

Bergeron was full of surprises as he not only produced a signed photograph of former professional basketball player Derek Harper, but also recited the English alphabet with a mouthful of fettuccine noodles.

Derner Eaten, Hu Reinstated

Hu Returns!

Miles Derner (Deceased) was found eaten by a mule yesterday evening. As such, he has been named Staff Deceased President.

Derner (Eaten)

Taking his place will be former and new President Hu, who vows to "make changes" around here after the failure of the Derner regime (Brontosaurus).

Hu

"I'm back, and I'm making changes. First one: my diaper. All Hail President Hu!" - Hu

Please welcome President Hu at his viewing in the 1144th floor west end gymnasium, where he will be shooting layups until 6 PM EST.

- Staff Contributor Bob

Steamy Ned Hired

**BREAKING NEWS**

May 17th, 2344

Ottawa - Breaking news out of Portland today as prestigious, world-renowned blog site "Coolies 'r' Us" announced the hiring of Steamy Ned as Staff Belt Removal Technician.

Ned

Ned was drawn on a piece of old, lined paper rather than in Microsoft Paint due to the fact that an editor of this site is too lazy to open Microsoft Paint. Other than that, he has two eyes.

Ned will report directly to Staff Egypt Juan Torres.


- Staff Contributor Fob Quinkley

Bunkwell family list released

The Bunkwell family

Herman Bunkwell
Ho he-ju Pong
Tito Bunkwell (empty raisin box)
Yolanda Bunkwell
The Great Rory
Vincezo Bunkwell (giraffe photograph)
Ben Bunkwell
Benny Bunkwell
Benjamin B. Bunkwell
Herm Jr.
The Otto formerly known as Al Frederick
Ernie Bunkwell (pear tree)
Iris Bunkwell & paper clip collection
notebook paper (11 sheets)
Vanessa Bunkwell
Calvin Bunkwell + 1
Bart Bunkwell
Sasha Bunkwell (lamp shade)
Baxter Bunkwell-Boshinguss
Aunt Beatrice Bunkwell
carrot peeler
Benson Bunkwell


[Source: Yaycheeze archives]

"The Weekly Rosen"

"Derner's Back"

Miles Derner, once swallowed whole by a Rhinoceros (Wong-chi), has returned and been annointed new Staff President.

Derner (Staff President)

No further comments will be made at this time. Former Staff President Hu has been eliminated (fecal).

- Staff President Miles Derner

Pennycow Is Back (Mule)

Nardsuckle Pennycow (Mule) has risen from the dead (as was foreseen by Reech Plumscroch)

Pennycow (Mule) (Alive)

Pennycow (Mule) seems to have had a testicular-removal procedure performed since his death (ostrich) but otherwise is in good spirits.

"All hail President Hu!" - Bobby Timmons

Celebrations are being held on the 112th Floor Southeast Wing (urinals).

- Staff Contributor Oscar Rainbow Jr.

Pennycow no longer with us

The Pennycow era ended as deliciously as it began with Nardsuckle being eaten by a koala bear.

"It's exactly how he would've wanted to go," said a statement issued by the unnamed koala bear's legal defense team. "All Pennycows must be consumed whole by a koala bear while in a drive-thru line at a Bojangles. It's written, in mashed potatoes, in the scriptures."

Pennycow was responsible for several initiatives while on staff, including Take Your Mailbox to Work Day.

A funeral is scheduled for Saturday when Pennycow's remains will be sprinkled on a 10-foot hoagie and consumed by the Yaycheeze family.

Hired: Nardsuckle Pennycow (Mule)

Nardsuckle Pennycow (Mule) has been hired as Staff Cubicle.

Pennycow (Mule)

Photo Credit: Brian Gregory
Lines in Background: N/A
Magnet: Yes
Pants: Pinstripe (New York Yankee)
Ears: Not at this time
Eyeball(s): It is so
Tie: Bow
Nose: No
Arms: No
Feet: No
Hair: No
Body: No
Belt: No
Photo Credit: Paul Hewitt
Movie Credits: Rocky 112: Paul(ie) Reborn as Pete(y)



Nardsuckle (Mule) will begin work immediately; all employees are encouraged to sit on him to perform their daily work activities. Please report directly to Dr. Crugg with any HR related issues, and as always, the urinal on Floor 4-West is out of order until further notice (chicken).

- Staff Contributor Mrooble Fonchonski

Talking hamburgers

I! LOVE! TALKING! HAMBURGERS! EVERYBODY!

MY! FAVORITE!IS!SALAMI! AND!CHEESE!

IF! YOU! DO! SUBSCRIBE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Guest contributor Michaela Russo

Boopy, Tuba form alliance

After years of taco shell fights, both flour and corn, the Boopy and Tuba families have ordered a cease-Rolando and formed an historic alliance.

"It's time for our two great families to join forces and defeat the common enemy: discount office furniture depots," said Robert Boopy, 814 in bread crusts.

"This is the greatest day in the history of not only the Boopy and Tuba families, but the Torkelsons, the Yonsons, an egg salad sandwich I ate in 1995, the Jayjos, the Sandersons, the Yoncheezes, that mailbox flag over there, the Crouses, the Cronins, both in Delaware & Northeast Missouri, the Kreymaiers, a rain puddle I saw last Tuesday, the Gallegos, the Vanderells, the Yorlaps, the December 15, 2003 issue of the New York Post, the Feinsteins and the Wimplers," said Arthur Tuba, whose tree branch growing out of his back is named Terrell.

In other news, Eddie Shouse will be moving to Tempe, Arizona on June 18.

Rare photo found

Gleeve County - The family of the late Arthur Zeg has released a rare photograph of the former elevator button abuse counselor.

It's the first-known photograph of Zeg since the "Sitting in Mayonnaise" series of the late-1970s. Zeg passed earlier this month at the age of 1,046 goldfish.

His last-known phonebook was Durham, North Carolina, 2002.