Hired: Nardsuckle Pennycow (Mule)

Nardsuckle Pennycow (Mule) has been hired as Staff Cubicle.

Pennycow (Mule)

Photo Credit: Brian Gregory
Lines in Background: N/A
Magnet: Yes
Pants: Pinstripe (New York Yankee)
Ears: Not at this time
Eyeball(s): It is so
Tie: Bow
Nose: No
Arms: No
Feet: No
Hair: No
Body: No
Belt: No
Photo Credit: Paul Hewitt
Movie Credits: Rocky 112: Paul(ie) Reborn as Pete(y)



Nardsuckle (Mule) will begin work immediately; all employees are encouraged to sit on him to perform their daily work activities. Please report directly to Dr. Crugg with any HR related issues, and as always, the urinal on Floor 4-West is out of order until further notice (chicken).

- Staff Contributor Mrooble Fonchonski

Sylvan Snugg Announces Candidacy

Sylvania Truffles Snugg has announced his intent to run in the 2014 Hey Jerk Presidential election.

Snugg

Snugg, who is a nose on top of a neck, had little to say about his upcoming campaign.

"I intend to change things."





Sylvan Snugg's crowning achievement was his silver medal in the luge competition in the 1922 Olympic Games in Freehold, New Jersey. He has worn the medal to this day, only removing it once late in 1955 for "mule hunting purposes." He refuses to elaborate further.

Snugg has said that he will announce his running mate in coming days. Please be sure to monitor us here at The Jerk for that breaking news announcement.

"Long Live Nope Bradley!" - Sylvan Snugg Campaign Slogan '14

- Campaign Beat Writer Mrooble Fonchonski

Fonchonski Hired

In retaliation for the recent Fonchonski slaying, Capolo and his camp immediately hired a new Fonchonski, Vooble. Vooble will take on the role of Staff Odor.

Fonchonski


Vooble Fonchonski, seen here in a staff file photo believed to have been taken sometime in the mid 20's, is half Fonchonski, half spaceship. He believes he will avenge the death of his grandfather Schmooble, while at the same time maintaining integrity in his role as Staff Odor.

More to come.

- Staff Lead Correspondent and Potential Takeover Threat Woody Chotchke