**Breaking** Hu Escapes

Former Staff President John Hu, of the Idaho Hu Crime Family, has escaped from HJP.

Hu (On The Run)

No details are available at this time.

Do not attempt to approach Dr. Hu, as he is believed to be armed with multiple deadly weapons and a Koala, Herman (rumored).

- Staff Assistant Moron Pebal Fockwithe

New office opens in Bangor

The Jerk has announced the opening of a new editorial office in Bangor, Maine, staff raisin illustrator Bobby B. Queh confirmed Tuesday afternoon.

Bangor, Maine staff

Uu'Vonduwitz Shockapok - potato
Dissizzint Ah'Reelnahym - staff Fimply re-creator
Iggy Boff Jr. - assistant finger snapper
Shom Wheatley, Maude M'Lomm - soup noodles 1 and 2
Pebal Fockwithe - assistant staff moron
The Charles - wrestling coordinator
Beau Fimmons - former staff toenail
Patty Paulsen - ZeeKor 7 relations
Chip Seffle - can of garbanzo beans
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar - himself
Chia Pet Smith - staff television
Edford Wolowitz - iguana relations
Faruq Bateen - dandelion
Orno Fongy - staff Staff
Vladimir Putin - president of Russia
Reggie Beefman - weapons expert
Stefan Kristensen - Staff Koala
Eeb Gozzowillow - pencil

Vacant positions

* Staff mailbox
* Barber
* Wrinkle
* Wall
* Small forward
* Red colored pencil

 [To apply: email oscarrainbow@gmail.com]

Nominees announced for MacIntosh Award

The nominees for the 2015 Chubbs MacIntosh Award for excellence maintaining a bologna hair piece were announced Sunday afternoon. 2013 winner Ho-Ho Chung and Carl Poo, winner in 2008 and 2010, are the favorites. Shockingly, five-time winner Dwayne Durly was not nominated.

Nominees (% chance of winning, provided by Dominic DomDmoggio)

Ho-Ho Chung (39%)
Carl "Clem" Poo (32%)
JayShawn (11%)
Donald Voppo (8%)
Pezalea Gobfried (6%)
Anderson Phui (4%)
Hubie Selig (0%)


UPDATE
Ho-Ho Chung passes (4:20 pm DST)

"The Derrs are here"

"The above quote was taken from the Derr family bible, page 17, paragraph 4, words five-through-eight."

- Sutton T. Sako (mustard 7)

It's a truly-historic day at Edinson TohBackula Stadium as Futto Derr brings his family of nearly 3,700 to "the states" to institute the first-ever Derr/Pigeon Olympics. Durr, 44 in rye bread years, is hoping to have the first Olympics take place before Roscoe Crugg's 67th birthday (November 8th).

Derr (pronounced 'N'Qwan'), who has sneezed out of each of his 4 1/2 noses since this story broke, is said to have ordered 3,680 Derrs to arrive for work duty by the first of May.

The only Derrs who won't be able to attend: Antonio Derr (passed by way of lettuce attack); MeKyle Derr and his goldfish, Ronnie (previous engagements); Janice Derr (left us, rest in garbanzo beans); Yee-Sop Cho Derr (made-up person) and Patty Derr (new center for the Colorado Avalanche).

BIAA Founded

The Beefman Institute for the Assassination of Aardvarks (BIAA) has been founded by Reggie "The Rectal Thermometer" Beefman.

Beefman (Deceased)

"We wanted to really spread our knowledge, which we've gained through centuries of experience, to the masses. It just wasn't fair to this Earth to keep this information to ourself any longer."

- Reggie Beefman Jr., Co-Founder

Applications for entry can be sent to President Rainbow at oscarrainbow@gmail.com.

- Staff Mongoloid Oscar Rainbow

Pong hired

Hop-hee-Ju Pong has been hired as staff spaghetti, sources close to the investigation learned Tuesday afternoon.

Pong played for 11 seasons in the NBA, first for the Dallas Mavericks as a backup point guard/salamander, then for the final three seasons of his career was the center on the New York "Knickerbockers", famously swallowing whole Boston guard Dee Brown during a late-March game at "Boston Garden".

Pong then became a ham sandwich for the entirety of the 2000s, but he's recently moved in the direction of pastas and rices, according to his biographer Otis Lazlo.

"He's recently moved in the direction of pastas and rices," Lazlo's biographer, Art Corey, said to Lazlo of Pong. "And if you'll excuse me, I'll be the one to mow that ceiling fan, thank you very much."

Corey then boarded a spaceship and [zoomed] off into outer space to "cover the Moon vs. Jupiter state quarterfinals" (London Times, May, 1968).

Other Tuesday hirings include a guy hiding underneath that desk in room 125, Tripp Sandoval (staff towel rack) and the Dansbury Twins as Corey & Pierre Plouse.

Capolo names: the week that was

Capolo Henderson name list

Began: 2/10/15 at 1:37 p.m. EST
Ended:  2/17/15 at 1:37 p.m. EST

Benjamin Biggles
Gregory Fitzlemmon
Oswald Shitte
Otto Von Poopie
Phil Myers
Bert Fashermann
Otis Quigley
Wally Fump
Revaro Thumbnickel
No Name
George Jetson
Bob DaBynga
Didier Bellafunkus
Barney Bellafunkus
Alfredo Scalliopininni
Pip Bellafunkus
Walmo Feng
Yo-hoho Rackomoth
Tochinko Sanchez
Fonecahl O’Hare
Ho-ho Hasheeney
Mervin A’Ploof
Icabod Bellafunkus
Coolie O’Francis
Rearend Duchesne
Clive “The Jive” Cloiheh
Patrick Ewing
Horatio Gammons
Strooble Fonchonski
Aurelio Pock
Aguy Wunce

Pro-Hu Deboer Placed in Dungeon

President Hu Overthrown; Pock Era Begins

Staff President and international aardvark trader John Hu has been removed from office by force and sentenced to 97 years in Hey Jerk Penitentiary by incoming dictator Aurelio Pock.

"He committed crimes against the people, against the city, and murdered 'Lil Timmy Quimm."

- A representative for Staff Dictator Aurelio Pock, name unknown

Hu (Incarcerated)

Staff Dictator Aurelio Pock

Upon his capture, Hu vowed revenge on what he referred to as "The Evil Pock Conglomerate (EPC)."

No details could be obtained as to why he referred to the Pock's as evil before Hu was beaten over the head with a dead mule carcass and dragged to cell block D to begin his lengthy stay at HJP.

News from "inside sources" indicates that Pock has set up camp on the 49th floor of The Fonchonski Building, and has delegated the 97th floor, once famous for its beautiful spectator views over Rainbow Mountain, as "the death chamber."

More details to come.

- Staff Moron Bob Feathers

Rudolph Scalapini, Family Patriarch, Eaten

The most famous, and original, Scalapini family member - Rudolph - has been eaten, according to Herman the Cheetah, a local cheetah.

Scalapini (DEAD)

Rudolph Alexander George-Julio Franzberta Scalapini Jr. came to this country in 1903, attempting to flee the Petunia Wars in his home country of Japan. After arriving "at the docks," Scalapini wasted no time in forming the Scalapini Crime Syndicate (SCS), and went on to become the most notorious gangster in modern American history.

Scalapini was best recognized for his amazing ability to eat more than 7 pounds of linguini in a single sitting, and the murder and dismembering of Harry Ossining.

Services will be held at Feathers Auditorium, this Friday evening at 9 PST. Tuna fish required upon entry.

- Staff Idiot Bob Feathers

Trending Now: o7 Comeback Tour

The famous band o7, once famously killed in a tragic blimp accident, are back.

o7

[L to R: Chung Fonway (lead vocals), Bip Bipperd (lead guitar, back up vocals), Nermin (whistle)]

"We're done with music-" stated Lead Vocalist and new Presidential Candidate Chung Fonway - "We have moved into the political arena, and will be running as a group for President of the United States."

"No Comment." - Bip Bipperd

"I'll be running for Vice President." - Nermin

Look for frequent updates on the o7 candidacy.

They're back!

- Staff Idiot Oscar Rainbow

Note: the scheduled tour for 2015-2017 has been cancelled.

**BREAKING** - Bellafunkus Members Missing/Deceased

Oslo, Norway - Breaking news this morning has revealed the death of Little Corbett Bellafunkus, and the disappearance of Ainsworth-Apple Bellafunkus. The incidents are not believed to be related.

Bellafunkus

Didier Bellafunkus, band spokesperson and mule captain, released the following statement:

" While Bellafunkus always aimed to please the masses and provide wholesome, family type music for all to enjoy - we also despised Little Corbett and decided to kill him. As far as Ainsworth-Apple - no one cares."

Local Oslo police have been apprised of the situation, and all inquiries or tips should be directed at Oslo Police Commissioner Nabozz Scalapini at nscallops47@gmail.com.

- Staff Idiot Oscar Rainbow

Bellafunkus reunites for worldwide tour

After not putting together an album or touring for more than seven years, Bellafunkus has reunited and announced a spring, 2015 world tour.

The brother trio, which won several Durlys in the 1990s (Best Old Album, Song We Wish Wasn't On This Soundtrack and Lifetime of Cheese & Mints, among others), will also be releasing a new full-length album, due out in late-2015.

Didier
Vocals, lead spaghetti guitar, rhythm pushing/shoving/shouting

Little Corbett
Bass made of potato skins/centipede tears, lead pushing/shoving

Ainsworth-Apple
Staplers, lead shouting


2015 Tour

May 5 - Jobeek Alomar Fairgounds
May 10 - Crugg-Ossining College
May 19 - over there by those rain puddles
June 4 - Kerwin College
June 9 - Murton Shouse Amphitheater
June 20 - Yorlap Bar & Grill & Worm Trade Post
June 28 - near Darren's house somewhere
July 4 - Eddie Aquayo Memorial Amphitheater (opening for Jay'Shawn)
July 17 - Cronin Playhouse
July 20 - The Rigatoni Palace


- Correspondent Izzy Durly contributed to this story

Top Ten Yankee's "Gas Distributors" of All Time

Culprit, followed by name given to their gas (after each occurrence):

1) George Herman Ruth - "Molly"
2) Jason Giambi - "Yan"
3) Cecil Fielder - "Lil' Cecil"
4) CC Sabathia - "88 MPH Fastball"
5) Joba Chamberlain - "Skidmark"
6) Thurman Munson - "Claire"
7) Wade Boggs - "Captain Wetness"
8) Joseph Torre - "Frank"
9) James Leyritz - "Pickley"
10) Don Mattingly - "El Presidente"

Petunia perishes, parade planned (P.P.P.P.)

Perry "William" Petunia passed away Wednesday morning of salad complications and resisting croutons, according to a restaurant menu with knowledge of the situation.

Petunia, a former defensive lineman for Oklahoma State and the leading activist for G.U.M.S! (Get Out From Under My Sink!), was dining at Cruggs on 19th Street in downtown Shouse when a dolphin swam over and swallowed him whole.

"It's how he always wanted to go," said the dolphin, 9.

A parade/carnival has been planned to celebrate the death/life of Petunia. The festivities will begin in May, 2017, 9:00 p.m. - ?.