Pock perishes

Another member of the Pock family has suffered the ultimate fate (mayonnaise) and passed on as Aurelio "Buttons" Pock fell out of his canoe and suffered what doctors are referring to as Pock's Disease (elbow pads) Thursday afternoon.

Pock was president of the United States of America But Just In Aurelio Pock's House from 1944-1966, then was engaged to a postage stamp named Trudy from 1970-1978, but the couple never married after it was learned that Trudy had already been licked and used on an envelope (cable bill, Henrietta).

Along with his brothers, Rory, Olin and Zez, Aurelio started the band It's Pock To Meet You and the group famously performed at a 1989 music festival while being chased by a mongoose.

Aurelio is survived by a drawing of a tape dispenser and his goldfish bowl, Stanley Sr.

President Hu Overthrown; Pock Era Begins

Staff President and international aardvark trader John Hu has been removed from office by force and sentenced to 97 years in Hey Jerk Penitentiary by incoming dictator Aurelio Pock.

"He committed crimes against the people, against the city, and murdered 'Lil Timmy Quimm."

- A representative for Staff Dictator Aurelio Pock, name unknown

Hu (Incarcerated)

Staff Dictator Aurelio Pock

Upon his capture, Hu vowed revenge on what he referred to as "The Evil Pock Conglomerate (EPC)."

No details could be obtained as to why he referred to the Pock's as evil before Hu was beaten over the head with a dead mule carcass and dragged to cell block D to begin his lengthy stay at HJP.

News from "inside sources" indicates that Pock has set up camp on the 49th floor of The Fonchonski Building, and has delegated the 97th floor, once famous for its beautiful spectator views over Rainbow Mountain, as "the death chamber."

More details to come.

- Staff Moron Bob Feathers