Rudolph Scalapini, Family Patriarch, Eaten

The most famous, and original, Scalapini family member - Rudolph - has been eaten, according to Herman the Cheetah, a local cheetah.

Scalapini (DEAD)

Rudolph Alexander George-Julio Franzberta Scalapini Jr. came to this country in 1903, attempting to flee the Petunia Wars in his home country of Japan. After arriving "at the docks," Scalapini wasted no time in forming the Scalapini Crime Syndicate (SCS), and went on to become the most notorious gangster in modern American history.

Scalapini was best recognized for his amazing ability to eat more than 7 pounds of linguini in a single sitting, and the murder and dismembering of Harry Ossining.

Services will be held at Feathers Auditorium, this Friday evening at 9 PST. Tuna fish required upon entry.

- Staff Idiot Bob Feathers

Little Danny: American Hero

"That's what they're saying down on Capolo Avenue, though I never much cared for the man."

- Reverend Orville Foo, 1:05 p.m. GST

Foo's words were part of a lovely eulogy for the recently-slain former back hair model Daniel "Little Danny" Farfel, who passed Wednesday morning as part of the Farfel-Pepano War of 1936.

Little Danny grew up on Piso Street, "slinging stones for paper" (as the song says) and dreaming of a career in Snow Business. When he realized he lived in a place where the temperature rarely got below 75 degrees, he made plans to move over there. But over there had burned down during a Mejito Fire, so in 1983 Little Danny did what many Farfels had done before him: marry a hard-boiled egg.

The couple divorced in the fall of 1986 after an argument over yolk, Little Danny had to pay Shellimony and it nearly left him bankrupt.

All seemed Lonnie Torkelson, but this past summer the 73-year old had seemed to turn his life around. He was exercising in his bathtub again, he was eating three square horse ears a day, and he was finally in Snow Business.

("I Buried Murray Bly In Snow", starring Harriet Lyle & Little Danny, July 7-12 at Feathers Auditorium).

And at around 11:00 a.m. GST, Farfel was killed by Boo Boo Pepano.

Daniel Farfel
1900-2012

Ham Sandwich
2012-2012