Petunia perishes, parade planned (P.P.P.P.)

Perry "William" Petunia passed away Wednesday morning of salad complications and resisting croutons, according to a restaurant menu with knowledge of the situation.

Petunia, a former defensive lineman for Oklahoma State and the leading activist for G.U.M.S! (Get Out From Under My Sink!), was dining at Cruggs on 19th Street in downtown Shouse when a dolphin swam over and swallowed him whole.

"It's how he always wanted to go," said the dolphin, 9.

A parade/carnival has been planned to celebrate the death/life of Petunia. The festivities will begin in May, 2017, 9:00 p.m. - ?.

Blongamyre Hired

11:38 AM DDST - Jerk officials, in accordance with the Save The Pistachios Foundation, have announced the hiring of Lobbo Blongamyre as Staff Petunia Assistant.

Blongamyre, who starred on several championship-winning paper towel-eating contest teams in the 1990s and introduced an ice cube to another ice cube last Tuesday, will begin Friday as Mayor William Petunia's top aide.

Petunia, currently vacationing in Samantha Weckerson's navel, declined comment.


Also hired (March 12):

* James-hee-J'hames Pong (Settle Roundhead historian)
* Catherine Twoddlesherry (Staff zucchini)
* Piece of notebook paper (March 13, 2013 meeting notes)

Petunia Hired On Probationary Basis

2:11 p.m. WST - The Jerk has announced the hiring of William "Linguini Neck" Petunia on a probationary basis. Petunia, who fought for the Quesh in the Zybo-Sher interplanetary war of 2002 and married an ice cube in July, 2007, will begin at an entry-level position massaging potatoes in the basement of the headquarters building.

It is believed Petunia was not immediately given a full-time position because of his unsightly third eye, and because of his paper clip eating problem.

Petunia's giant, blue shoe, Terry refused comment.