Jezzawith Hired

Voo Jezzawith
Position: Staff Pumpkin
First day: July 18, 2012

Ballgame Hired to Fix Things

Chet R. (Rudolph) Ballgame, formerly Darren Schmidt, has been hired on as Staff Thing Fixer/ Staff Shuttlecock.

Ballgame


"First thing on the agenda is to un-ban smoking at HQ. Once that is done, I probably won't do anything else for the remainder of my employment. Except for possibly to fire or kill Feathers."

Not much is known about Ballgame at this time, other than the fact that he smokes Uruguagian stogies.

- Staff Correspondent Beauregard Fimmons

Pechenko Dies

Louie Pechenko died Wednesday afternoon of an imaginary squirrel attack, according to the I.S.A.A. Pechenko, who had many roles at the blog, including staff notepad, mashed potato inspector and Jennington murder detective #6, is survived by his bathroom sink, Stan.

Lanugo: Dead

Richard Lanugo, longtime staff member and longtime useless staff member, has died of carpet cleaner overdose.

Let's just move on with our lives.

Blompton Makes a Move: Hires Cantaloap

Chuck Cantaloap, longtime enemy of the Jerk, has been hired on as Staff Honeydew by Robert Blompton. Blompton - Staff Hirer - has been idle for some time, but went ahead and made this move as soon as he heard the news that Cantaloap had been let go by rival blog MashedPotatoErnieStinks.Blogspot.Com.

Cantaloap


Cantaloap: " I used to be a fan of the Mashed Potato Ernie All-Stars, but recently I started hanging out with Ed Xomcheese and realized 'Hey, Mashed Potato Ernie's squad STINKS.' So I decided to get fired from my old position, and come over to the Jerk."

While it is not known what exactly Cantaloap will do as Staff Honeydew, it is believed he has already received sexual text messages from Bobby Feathers, who still resides in the 7th floor janitorial closet. The investigation into this probably wont go anywhere.

- Staff Correspondent Gillson Gongy

From the 7th floor janitor's closet

This is Bobby Feathers reporting live from the 7th floor janitor's closet. It's just me and this squirrel, who arrived a few minutes after me. I've named the squirrel Stinky. We'll be best friends until another squirrel arrives, then we'll have that awkward moment when the new squirrel realizes his true love for Stinky. They'll leave the janitor's closet, in love and looking for a wall to crawl into. And I'll be here, forced to choose between the mop bucket and a can of Ajax.

I've been with a mop bucket before. Back in the 1980s, when fluorescent overalls were the big thing, I met a mop bucket named Gary at a flea market in West Corcoran. We fell madly in like and spent most of our time talking about the future: what could possibly be dumped in Gary; what might fall out of my nose when I sneezed; Gary's debut with Mop Buckets on Ice. But one day the magic was gone. Or maybe it was my pants. Either way, one day my pants were gone. Gary suspected me of cheating on him with a dish rag. He threw all of my paper clips out of the window and told me never to come back.

I was devastated, and I never played the clarinet again.

Hiring Continues at Jerk

With the Omfbo Phui era finally over, Jerk officials have begun to pick up the acorns and continued their hiring frenzy, appointing Larry Dulfman as Staff Larry. Dulfman will be responsible or the finding and ear-yanking of Larrys, as well as any raspberry riot declarations.

Plepbo-77 Hired

Plepbo-77 from the planet Zavion has been hired as Staff Windshield. Plepbo-77 is believed to be the blog's first hire from Zavion, a distant planet made entirely of 3rd-grade report cards, but others are expected to arrive in the coming weeks.

Plepbo-77 released a statement through his lawnmower, Zach:

"Lewwnt grazvicks. Pine."

Phui Officially Dead

Omfbo Phui, who was reportedly near-death early Tuesday morning after a rubber chicken incident, has officially died. Phui, staff murderer since mid-September, had a second rubber chicken put in his jeans pocket, then overdosed on pen caps and perished.

Phui's funeral was scheduled for October 25 at 3:00 p.m., but was quickly canceled after staff members threatened a soy sauce war if the service took place.

- Correspondent Arthur Lyons

Newest Editor, Feathers, Found Fornicating in 4th Floor Stall

Bobby Feathers, newest loser/editor here at the Jerk, was found fornicating with Vump Qwoggman in the 4th floor mens restroom this morning. Upon being spotted, Feathers screamed and ran out of the bathroom without his clothes on.

Feathers (Gay)


Qwoggman, Staff Boxer, had the following to say:

"We love each other, and what we do with each others' dinkus's in the privacy of the 4th floor restroom is nobody's business."

Feathers is believed to be hiding out in the 7th floor janitorial closet.

- JP Jones

Gedinger Arrives

Waltis Gedinger has arrived on earth, according to a mailbox with knowledge of the situation. No known photos of Gedinger had been acquired at press time, but the potato-9-year-old was seen late Wednesday insulting a parking meter.

Stay tuned to the Jerk for continuing coverage.

New Pock Hired

The Jerk has announced the hiring of Zez Pock as Staff Envelope. The blog had been searching for a new envelope since Maury Zopp was fired for misappropriation of tadpoles in January, 1992. Pock, the cousin of staff member Olin, will begin his tenure in May, 2011.


- Correspondent Nickafontazius Lem

Phui Reported Dead

*BREAKING NEWS*

Early reports from headquarters indicate staff murderer Omfbo Phui has died. Staff correspondent Banana Gentry filed a report at 12:31 a.m. stating Phui had a rubber chicken put in the front pocket of his blue jeans and the 39-year old couldn't recover.

If Phui is in fact dead, it will be a great relief to many of the staff members, many of which have seen several of their close friends, including Eddie Bagel, killed by Phui's murderous mob in the past 48 hours.

Stay tuned to the Jerk for further updates on Phui's condition and/or description of the liquids flowing from his ears and naval.

Carlos Bagel: Man of Mystery

Carlos Bagel has been hired on as Staff Teste. He is the latest in a line of Bagel's that has included Eddie and Juan, both recently murdered.

Carlos

Carlos has threatened to "take over this blog" after the recent slayings of family members.

"The Bagel's are a proud family, who wont stand for the useless murder of family members. I'm not going to be murdered, and I'm going to kill Phui."

- JP Jones

Juan Bagel Popped

Juan Bagel, hired minutes ago as new Staff Cream Cheese, has been popped, according to Staff Editor Capolo. It is believed that upon entering HQ, Bagel started screaming about how he could "float, and none of you other losers can!" Soon after, Omfbo Phui is believed to have popped Bagel with a projectile staple.

Bagel (Dead)

Bagel Brought On Board

Hey Jerk has announced the hiring of Juan E. Bagel as new Staff Cream Cheese. Juan replaces his cousin Eddie, who was one of five staff members killed in the Omfbo Phui offings/salad dressing drownings of '10.

Phui Kills Five

Omfbo Phui has done it. He has killed five of the biggest losers ever to work at this blog.


Mass Death



We here at the Jerk would offer our condolences to the families of Bill Bryson, Baron Von Bweebo, Nicky Hu, Ed Bagel, and Otto Kleinsauce - but we hated them all and are glad they are dead.


- Winston W.

Wiggles Disappears

Chester Wiggles, popular poet and watermelon seed emancipator, has gone missing, according to a canary, Jerry that lives underneath close friend Vin Coker's fingernail. Wiggles, who Thurdsday penned the Hey Jerk Poem of the Week, "Poo!", and is also famous for the poem "It's True, There's Poo on your Shoe", was last seen insulting a mailbox.

If you have any information, please contact staff CEO Reginald Frompley.


- Correspondent Edith Lurchfield

Hey Jerk Poem of the Week

"Poo!"

- Chester Wiggles

Poo.

Poo can be brown, poo can be green,
Poo can flung to make one unclean.
Poo can be smelly, poo can be gross,
Poo should be what everyone values the most.

Poo - its what we do.

Poo is enjoyable to all who move bowels,
Poo comes from bears, and lions, and owls.
Poo comes from humans, poos come from dogs,
Cats try to poo, but usually make logs.

Poo - its what we do.

So when you think "Hey, I might have to make!"
Think to yourself, should I go in the lake?
Because if you make in a toilet near you,
You'll be upset, because thats not optimal doo.

Poo - its what we do.

Oh no! Its almost here now, I feel it poking out,
If I dont find a spot, my hole's going to blow out.
Ahh! A shady spot behind an oak tree nearby,
Thank Goodness! That poopy smelled terrible, oh my!

Poo - its what we do.

Now be a nice girl, and cover it with dirt,
So walkers by dont smell it and squirt.
And next time you leave home without trying to doo,
Remember that poopies will happen to you.

Bagel Hired

Eddie S. Bagel has been hired as Staff Cream Cheese, effective as soon as the 41-year old completes a sesame seed test.

Lembeck Missing, Feared Gay

Buddy Lembeck, recently brought on by some moron as an editor here at the Jerk, has gone missing.

Lembeck (Missing)


It has long been suspected by fellow staff members that Lembeck was leading a double life: One as a cheerful, loving staff editor that no one liked; the other as an in the closet, raging homosexual with a penchant for red-headed boys.

To this end, Buddy Lembeck has gone missing, and even if found, will not be welcome back at the Jerk as we now have a strict Anti-Lembeck policy.

- JP Jones

Fimchonchko Hired

Simfonia Fimchoncko has been hired on for the vacant Staff Fred Savage position.

Fimchonchko




Fimchonchko Statement:

"I'm discouraged by the acceptance of this job by me, Simfonia Fimchonko. In the early '60's, I was a man on the rise. I was sipping on Busch Light's by the pool, livin' the large life. Since then, I've worked at Wendy's, Popeye's, and in the grapefruit porn industry. I guess working for this shithole of a blog is what it has come to."

While it is not known why the Jerk hired on this loser, it's sure to make waves throughout HQ.

- Jetpack Jones, Staff Lead Correspondent

Staff Gary Cathcart Hired

Gary Cathcart, current manager of the Potomac Nationals Minor League Baseball Squad, has agreed to leave his position as manager of the team to become VP of Poopy Relations here at The Jerk.

Cathcart


Upon resigning from his post for the Nationals, Cathcart is believed to be thrilled about the move. We here at the Jerk have been advised not to comment on the move, however, as Cathcart's contract is still in the works.

- JP Jones

Twickums Begin to Make a Name

Hey Jerk has announced the edition of Dudley Twickum as the new Staff Dudley. Twickum worked for nearly 30 years in the office supply-cabbage trade before editing the influential blog coleslawfightsonvideo.blogspot.com from 2007-2009.

- Staff correspondent Sip Sanford

Breaking: Staff Scoombie Hired

Breaking news at Jerk HQ this hour: Robert Blompton has made another hire. Sam Scoombie, formerly Chuck Ugglesby, has been hired on as Staff Scoombie, effective immediately.

Scoombie


Blompton's Press Release:

"We here at the Jerk are lucky to have had the opportunity to interview Mr. Scoombie over the course of the last few minutes, as he is a man in demand at rival blogs. Thank goodness for us, he took our offer of no pay and no bathroom use and agreed to start October 24, 2016."

Until then, it is believed that Scoombie will stand outside the 5th floor restrooms and blow wind.

- JP Jones, Head Staff Correspondent

New Glenn Hired

Pip Glenn has been hired as co-assistant to the Glenn. The 22-year old son of blog leader Fat Neck was brought to headquarters by Glennwagon Wednesday afternoon, equipped with lime gun and potato helmet.

More details to follow.

Crugg-Fonchonski Finally Gone

Wonderful news out of Hey Jerk headquarters as former staff soft boiled egg Bucklin Crugg-Fonchonski has died in a Merle Vanderells riot. Several others have perished in the riot, including Merle Vanderells of South Paysley Street and famous potato cartoonist Merle Vanderells of Acker Avenue.

Crugg-Fonchonski's funeral is set for October 7 at 3:00 p.m., then it's off to the envelope plant for the annual tour and taste test.

New Bryson Added to Staff

XAVIER COUNTY - Big news from below the mashed potato line as the Jerk has announced the hiring of Ardis Bryson as Staff Wendell. Bryson, the brother of Bill Bryson, will be responsible for Wendell-related activities, including finding lost Wendells and making the blog's world-famous Wendell Pie.

Bryson issued a statement through his washing machine, Darryl:

"Coolie Itch in '90."

Autographed card for sale

Jesus Flores 1997 Upper Deck rookie card




$75
If interested, email c.compelio@gmail.com

Selection of new movie title underway

The makers of the Karate Kid movies are in the process of filming the latest motion picture. Here are the finalists for the new title.

Karate Kid 6: Larusso Find Own Apartment
KK6: Miyagi's Revenge
KK6: Johnny Blows Wind
KK6: Larusso Proposes to Miyagi
KK6: Daniel-San 33-Years Old, Can't Enter Tournament
KK6: Mrs. Larusso & Grandpa Miyagi
KK6: Okinawa's Revenge
KK6: Creese's Revenge Again
KK6: Miyagi Charge Daniel-San for Healing Foot Potion
KK6: Bonzai Tree Riot, Larusso Left For Dead

Gevin Perishes, Colten Arrives

"As one Pock perishes, another makes his way into the limelight."
- Steinberg Q. Pock, March, 1903

Consistent with S. Pock's mantra, the Jerk would like to announce the hiring of Colten Pock as Staff Rhinoceros.

Pock


Colten, who does not speak, made several gestures upon being notified of his hire, one which is believed to have meant "I'll be the best staff rhino in the history of this blog."

This was not confirmed.

Please join us in welcoming Mr. Pock to the staff.

- Correspondent J.P. Jones

Gevin Pock: Dead

Gevin Pock, the only staff member to live on a piece of Northside Hospital notepad paper, was found dead this morning in his Beverly Hills estate. While the investigation is ongoing, it looks as if Mr. Pock may have taken his only life in a self-induced Aschermann fire.

Pock (Dead)



Investigators have only found one piece of evidence at the scene, a note seemingly written by Gevin himself moments before his death.

"I'm killing myself in a self-induced Aschermann fire."

The investigation is ongoing.

- JP Jones