Staff Chef Replacement Hired, Immediately Kills Flumpton

The Jerk moved quickly in replacing recently murdered Staff Chef Bob Quemmbot and hired longtime fecal inspector Gary Garyson on as the new Staff Chef.

"I use fecal in my recipes, so they're extra good."

Garyson


Garyson is a well respected fecal inspector in circles and triangles around the blog and will be welcomed with open legs.

Immediately after his hire, Garyson offed longtime staff member Coryn Flumpton. No reason was given, but Flumpton was quickly flushed down the toilet. A plumber has been contacted.

Flumpton (Dead)



- Staff toilet correspondent No Qwagley

Quemmbot Perishes

Sad/happy news out of Hey Jerk headquarters as Staff Chef Bob Quemmbot died in a Quemmbot fire early Sunday.

No other details were released at press time.

Jennington Hired

Hey Jerk has announced the addition of Nermit Jennington as the head of distribution and marketing in the Potato Division. Jennington has over two decades of experience with the potato, including a short time spent as Sheriff Potato in the 1992 off-marmalade play Potatoes For Maryanne.

Frugg Shirts Now Available

$10
email c.compelio@gmail.com to order

Wannafet Killed

Stengul Wannafet has been murdered, according to Beauregard Fimmons, Staff Murder Correspondent.

Wannafet

In a shocking revelation, an unknown member of the Jerk staff has confessed to the slaying.

"I've been lurking in the bathroom stalls for months, and its time for me to come out and start my job here at the Jerk," said Randy Ossining, "Wannafet was the perfect loser to kill in order to alert the blog of my presense."

Ossining


In response to the slaying, and the appearance of Ossining, staff has decided to hire on Mr. Ossining as Staff Clyde. Please join us in welcoming Randy Ossining to the staff, and thanking the heavens that Wannafet is dead.

- Staff Murder Correspondent Beau Fimmons

Doof Quintera Hired; Qwon Frugg Hired

The Jerk acted quickly in replacing recently assassinated Stan Xomcheese and hired longtime Kovacik supporter Doof Quintera as Staff Dentist.

Quintera



Quintera, through his interpreter Qwon Frugg, had this to say about his hire:

"I like Kovaciks."

Frugg (Staff Quintera Interpreter)


Frugg, through his interpreter Doof Quintera, also had a comment on the hire:

" Long live king Kovacik."

While it is not believed that Quintera has any formal dentisty experience, we welcome him to our homes and to our molars.

- Staff Pastor Stengul Wannafet

Xomcheese Dead

Former Staff Dentist Stan Xomcheese was found dead of Xomcheese overdose, according to a pelican with knowledge of the situation. Xomcheese leaves behind a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a copy of the July, 2009 issue of Chin Cheese Magazine.


- Staff death correspondent Wobar Clemente

Hey Jerk Video of the Day

Chico Lind Pooed On; Dead

Chico Lind, Staff Chico Lind, has been pooed on by Chuck Frozengard, and was announced dead at the scene this morning (on the moon.)

Lind (Dead)


Chico Lind played a pivotal role on the Hey Jerk Softball Squad, and will be sorely missed in the 14 hole. It is believed that Cecil Fielder, Staff Cecil Fielder, will take his spot on the squad.

Frozengard could not be reached for comment, but it is believed the assassination occurred due to Lind's supposed allegiance to the Rainbow camp.

- Beauregard Fimmons

Sanchules Hired

Kurt Sanchules
Hired as: Staff Kiwi (effective May, 2013)

Berman Hired

Hey Jerk has the announced the hiring of Ernie Berman as Staff Gary. Berman has over 10 years of experience as a Gary, including his time at Gary Corp., when he supervised Gary Witherby at the Gary machine.

Dead Worm Found, Could Be War Act

A dead worm was found planted outside Jerk HQ, Staff Hippo Larry confirmed today. The worm, thought to be Ted, had clearly been dead for over an hour. While it is not known how the worm died, this definitely will be considered an act of war by the Rainbow camp, known worm enthusiasts.

Ted (Dead)


"Frozengard did this," rambled Jesper Rainbow, "and we will retaliate swiftly and fastly."

More to come on Jerk War 2010.

- Beau Q. Fimmons

Blompton Makes Fifth Hire, Tifko Didier

Bob Blompton, recently assassinated, made his fifth hire early this afternoon. Tifko Didier, long lost related of Don and Wendell Didier, has been hired on as Staff Bob Blompton.

"Im honored, and promise to doo in the proper receptacles this time out" said Didier.

T. Didier


Didier is expected to start immediately. Please join us in welcoming him to the staff.

- Beau Fimmons

Blompton Dead

Bob Blompton has been killed by a mob of staff members, according to DJ Knowledge, a DJ with knowledge of the situation.

"We were tired of his over-achieving, he was making all of us look bad," said Staff Pistachio Tommy Shane. "Blompton needed to go away, so we chopped him up and made him into an ice cream flavor. Calling it Chunky Blompton."

Blompton had hired four new staff members since being brought on as Staff Bob June 10. One of the new hires, Blompton assistant Goonf Gonfgin, participated in Wednesday's slaying.

"I didn't appreciate how he conducted the interview with me," said Gonfgin. "He had on a orange tie."

Blompton Makes Fourth Hire

In response to the recent Chico Lind suspension, Staff Bob Blompton Bob Blompton has been quick to strike in hiring a replacement.

Fielder


"Cecil bring experience, gas, and blubber to the table. This proved to be an invaluable combination when going through the interview process. Although we didn't interview anyone." said Blompton.

Fielder will take on the role as Staff Cecil Fielder. Look for a weekly Fielder photo here exclusively at The Jerk.

- Staff Cecil Fielder Correspondent Shensen Queh

Blompton Makes Third Hire in Less Than a Week

Bob Blompton has struck again. The Staff Bob has moved forward with his third hire of the week, appointing Baron Von Bweebo Staff Plumber.

Bweebo


Von Bweebo Bio
DOB: 1/1/1
Sex: Unknown
Spouse: Larry Bon Vweebo
Height: Unknown
Weight: 4
Last Seen: Uruguay
Experience: 4 years, gum chewing (4-8)
Education: Plumber U. (Did not graduate)
Comments: Likes fires, urinals, asian men. Dislikes guys named Chet

Please join us in welcoming Von Bweebo to the staff.


- Staff Correspondent Beau Fimmons

Vandalism Rocks Glenn Campaign

A vandal, possibly involved in the Bower campaign, destroyed a Zern Glenn campaign billboard Monday afternoon, according to a puddle of motor oil familiar with the situation. Glenn, the long-lost brother of newly-appointed Hey Jerk leader Fat Neck Glenn, was considered a top-75 candidate. The Bower camp refused comment.


- Zern Glenn campaign correspodent Gary Larryson

Roundhead Quits

Former staff correspondent Settle Roundhead resigned Monday claiming "unfair refrigerator practices". Roundhead released a statement through his attorney, Attornee Jackson.

"Last Thursday, I put my socks in the refrigerator to keep them cool and I get bombarded by staff members. They're yelling 'sock killer!' and 'save the elastic!'. It was quite bizarre. I just feel like it's in everyone's best interests if I resign, take one of the walls from the third floor with me, and just go on with my life."

Roundhead was a solid contributor and broke several news stories, including the Bobby Feathers campaign billboard graffiti disasters of '10, the vacuuming of Teddy Pinecone and the Rocco Frompley train hijackings. The 42-year old was also an outfielder on the blog softball team.

Barrold Ossining Dead

The last-remaining Ossining died early Monday as Barrold was offed and then used as a garnish in a cream of mushroom soup by staff assassin Pal Fimply. Ossining, like his brother Barry, was hated by all staff members and will be forgotten by lunch.

Blompton Makes Second Hire in Less Than a Week

Bob Blompton, Staff Bob, has made another hire. Blompton hired on Goonf Gonfgin to be his personal assistant, according to Remmy Artichoke.

"Goonf brings absolutely no experience to the table, and has a lightning bolt for a head" was the statement released by Blomptons camp.


Gonfgin


In addition to being a widely known poo thief, Gonfgin is also an O'Schmallfoot supporter. Rainbows camp is expected to respond to the hire.


- Staff Gonfgin Correspondent Flooeesa Pooso

Lind Suspended

Shocking news at Jerk headquarters as Staff Chico Lind Jose Lind was suspended after testing positive for performing-enhancing mouse ears.

Blog policy states an initial positive test is an automatic 15-day suspension. Any positive test after that results in a 50-day suspension and a loss of any eyebrows.

O'Schmallfoot Perishes

Former Hey Jerk Staff Mogul Jed O'Schmallfoot died early Saturday of an apparent dandelion overdose. O'Schmallfoot had been mogul for nearly a month, but whispers of his demise had been dominating the conversation in the Jerk break room.

"We heard some whispering, but it was pretty loud whispering. We asked what they were whispering about and they said 'we're whispering about O'Schmallfoot's demise'", said a staff member who wished to remain anonymous.

The staff member, Chuck Frozengard, could not be reached for further comment.

The blog acted quickly in naming a new leader, appointing legendary Fat Neck Glenn.



Glenn will relinquish his duties as Staff Poo Man.

Bozwold Now a Lunch Item

Sad and delicious news out of the Capolo camp as former Staff Pee Drake Bozwold was carved up and made into a sandwich. The sandwich, called "The Monacle", immediately became the most popular lunch item at Pepano's Deli on 18th Street.

"It's a great sandwich, full of Bozwoldy-freshness. Everyone loves it, even that guy over there," said Pepano's owner Darf Hirera. "I can add acorns, but that costs extra. Acorns don't grow on trees you know."

Blompton Makes First Hire

Bob Blompton, Staff Bob, has made his first hire. Blompton has brought on well known Foomblovian Bob Quemmbot as Staff Chef.

Quemmbot



Quemmbot has previously worked for several Rival blogs, most recently The Bobby Classifieds. He has held positions ranging from Chef to Staff Toilet.

Please welcome Blompton's first hire, Bob Quemmbot, to the staff.

- Staff Correspondent Beauregard Fimmons

Hey Jerk Thursday Evening "Oldies but Goodies"

Burt Shersherman Crime Scene (1.20.2010)


(Click for larger view)

Actual assailant remains unknown.

Blompton Hired

Hey Jerk has announced the hiring of Bob Blompton as Staff Bob. Blompton, whose real name is Terry, will be in charge of hiring new Bobs, as well as administering the staff-wide pine cone diet that will go into effect September, 2010.


Other hirings (6/10/10)

Drake Bozwold


Staff Pee

Clem Idelby Perishes

The deaths continue at Hey Jerk as Clem Idelby has perished in a Clem Idelby/Paulfield flood. Several Idelbys died along with Clem, though none were important enough to identify by name.

Paulfields killed in the flood:

* Pool Paulfield
* Proul Paulfield
* Ernie Paulfield-Jickson


- Staff Idelby Death correspondent Dirnf Ferera

Frozengard Takes Next Step in Jerk War 2010, Conducts Mass Assasination

Chuck Frozengard (Staff Hobo), who recently declared war on Oscar Rainbow and everything Rainbow related, took the next step in his plan by offing several well-known Rainbow enthusiasts here at the blog.

Don Didier, Morahead Paulfield, Squib Cotillion, and Miles Derner were all offed by Frozengard, who had this to say afterwards:

"They all had to die. For every Rainbow supporter I locate, another will perish. Method of assassination: doo."

Mass Slaying



All four of these dedicated staff members have put in there time here at The Jerk, and for that we offer them no thanks. Oscar Rainbow and his camp are sure to retaliate in the near future. Stay tuned for exclusive updates.

- Staff War Correspondent PooPee Reynolds

Shersher Perishes

QWEKINGER COUNTY - Former Staff Shersher Shonsey Shersher died in a Shersher fire, according to a smoldering throw pillow with knowledge of the situation.

Shersher did very little at the blog since his hire May 9 and will not be missed by anyone.

Mondesi Traded to Rival Blog

In a shocking development, Hey Jerk traded Raul Mondesi to the Meatballers softball team, for Brad Kovacik, Steven Christensen and a taco to be named Charlie later. Mondesi, who was in his second tour of duty with the Jerk as Staff Raul Mondesi, is expected to hit in the 12-hole for the Meatballers.


Mondesi

Kovacik's career has been on a steady decline since the 39-year old was found with a possum in his pants during a June, 2007 game. He led the 2008 Meatballers in fall downs (17) and tinkle (1.3 gallons).

"We made the move to get rid of Mondesi and see if we can get anything out of the Christensen youngster," said Hey Jerk softball general manager Paul Plopsen. "To be honest, we're probably going to give Kovacik the wrong address for the field. We don't like his look or his track record."


Kovacik

Christensen, who in 2009 led the Alpharetta D League in farts per game (8.3), was becoming a clubhouse problem, according to Meatballers manager Mick Rooso.


Christensen

"He was becoming a clubhouse problem," said Rooso. "Plus, we've caught him on a number of occasions eating bar soap while on the mound. The kid's headed down the wrong path and we as an organization don't want to be on that path when he gets there."

Maybee/Chubbs Enter Race

Early straw polls: top 35 ticket

Source: Pepano Weekly

Recent Hire Percy Plopsen is Convicted Child Molester

Percy Plopsen, recently hired by The Jerk, is a convicted child molester in over 50 countries around the globe, according to Staff Correspondent Typhoon Randolph.

"We don't care," responded Staff CEO Cotton Pompelio. "We didn't hire him to molest people. We hired him to do the damn laundry."

In a precautionary measure, Plopsen will not be allowed any youngsters at staff HQ.

- Staff Correspondent Beauregard Fimmons

Plopsen Lands a Position

Percy Plopsen has been hired as Staff Clothing Hamper, according to a pair of chinos familiar with the situation. Plopsen will work directly under his assistant, Jerry, a canary that lives in Plopsen's hair.

"I'll take your pants, under garments and t-shirts, but no ankle socks," said Plopsen. "There was an incident during the summer of '71 involving an ankle sock and some salad dressing and I'd rather not have to deal with that again."

Buckleburger Hired

Hey Jerk has announced the hiring of Julio Buckleburger as Staff Banana. Buckleburger replaces former staff banana Banana Gentry, who died in a cauliflower accident May 30.

Rainbow Responds to Frozengard Antics

Staff editor Oscar Rainbow responded to staff hobo Chuck Frozengard's pooing and subsequent declaration of war:

"Frozengard was brought in as a favor to a bullfrog named Dennis. He's easily expendable, and we've already started interviewing candidates to replace him as staff hobo. Plus, we interviewed a toaster oven to replace our old toaster oven, Peter. As for the fecal incident, I've finally washed it all off, the corn was hard to get out of my beard, but I got it all. Some time in the next few days my camp will retaliate with mayonnaise. That's all I have to say at this time."

Frozengard Declares War on Rainbow

Chuck Frozengard, mostly useless Staff Hobo, has formally declared war on editor Oscar Q. Rainbow via a doody.

"The man stinks," said Frozengard, "and I won't put up with it anymore. Someone needed to doo on him."

Crime Scene Photo


Rainbow has not yet issued a response, but Jerk War 2010 has definitely begun. Sides will be chosen in the coming weeks, and alien mercenaries will most likely be hired. One thing is for sure - lives will be lost. Check for stunning updates daily only at The Jerk.

- Jerk War 2010 Correspondent Julio Buckelberger

Busy Day Continues as Another Ticket Entered

- Decision 2010 Correspendent Typhoon Randolph

Xomcheese Found with Chili Bowl Head

Shocking news out of Hey Jerk headquarters as editor Edward Q. Xomcheese was found with a chili bowl head. We'll have updates as they become available.

- Staff chili bowl head correspondent Ray Gloyr

Winning Ticket Entered Into Race

- Decision 2010 Correspondent Typhoon Randolph

New Entry Into Race

Ronnie Potato/ Gary Shandling ticket considered "instant frontrunner in this thing." - Typhoon Randolph.





- Decision 2010 Correspondent Jetpack Jones

Zach Crugg Dead