"Charlie The Mule"
Rory Bartles, Clugge County
This month's winner will receive one dinner roll and a lifetime pass to the Jerk's Mustard Museum.
June 27, 2012
Art contest winner named
"Charlie The Mule"
Rory Bartles, Clugge County
This month's winner will receive one dinner roll and a lifetime pass to the Jerk's Mustard Museum.
June 25, 2012
Nose hired
The Jerk has announced the hiring of a new nose, Mort.
Mort is attached to Craig Luxford's face, but Luxford was not given a staff position after he ended his Monday morning interview by bathing in an egg salad wading pool and videotaping the proceedings.
The video, titled "Eggs For Craigs", was later eaten by staff editor Capolo Henderson.
Meanwhile, Mort comes to the Jerk with plenty of experience, including sneezing for Patricia Clarkson in 1997, and winning "Largest" and "Closest to the Sky" at the 2003 Nostrils.
Finally, Dangerfield on Board as New Editor
Rodney Dangerfield, formerly Staff Ugly for the rival blog capolosmellslikeonions.blogspot.com, has been brought on as a new Staff Editor.
Dangerfield
Dangerfield, who is blind in both eyes and has a second rear end on his chest, is looking to bring a new style to the Jerk, with his toilet humor and lack of personal hygiene. Dr. Rodney's left ear fell off during the proceedings, but his right ear remains (deaf). Dangerfield's nose, Henry, refused comment.
Dangerfield can no longer "speak," but did make a noise in response to his hiring:
"Mehhhhhhh."
Dangerfield strongly resembles fellow editor Oscar Rainbow, who did not comment on the hire. Granted, Rainbow isn't happy and will most likely retaliate (carrot).
Please expect Mr. Dangerfield to "expire" within the next few hours, before he can contribute.
- Staff Doo Donkey Face Nelson
Dangerfield
Dangerfield, who is blind in both eyes and has a second rear end on his chest, is looking to bring a new style to the Jerk, with his toilet humor and lack of personal hygiene. Dr. Rodney's left ear fell off during the proceedings, but his right ear remains (deaf). Dangerfield's nose, Henry, refused comment.
Dangerfield can no longer "speak," but did make a noise in response to his hiring:
"Mehhhhhhh."
Dangerfield strongly resembles fellow editor Oscar Rainbow, who did not comment on the hire. Granted, Rainbow isn't happy and will most likely retaliate (carrot).
Please expect Mr. Dangerfield to "expire" within the next few hours, before he can contribute.
- Staff Doo Donkey Face Nelson
June 21, 2012
Durly Buys Hat, Starts Anti-Rainbow Campaign
Darren Durly, Staff Idiot and voted 1999's "Most hated person on Earth," has started an Anti-Rainbow campain "with the goal of murdering Oscar Rainbow."
Durly (New shirt and hat)
The self proclaimed "Doctor" with only 3 years of formal education, stated that the local Atlanta bureau of his Anti-Rainbow Coalition (ARC) will be formed immediately, and already has just north of 700 souls volunteering. Other venues will open "around the globe, until we have the force needed to eliminate Rainbow once and for all, or at least to ship him off to Mercury."
Expect more statements from Durly and his people in the near future.
- Staff Idiot Darren Durly
Durly (New shirt and hat)
The self proclaimed "Doctor" with only 3 years of formal education, stated that the local Atlanta bureau of his Anti-Rainbow Coalition (ARC) will be formed immediately, and already has just north of 700 souls volunteering. Other venues will open "around the globe, until we have the force needed to eliminate Rainbow once and for all, or at least to ship him off to Mercury."
Expect more statements from Durly and his people in the near future.
- Staff Idiot Darren Durly
June 18, 2012
Durly Era Begins
"Thousands are relieved to finally begin the Darren Durly Era. It's truly a great day for all of us. I may go bathe in that kiddie pool of mayonnaise."
- Beatrice (January, 1983)
After decades of persecution, the potato chip people finally have a representative at Hey Jerk headquarters as Dr. Darren Durly has been hired. Durly, who on two separate occasions in 1998 and 2007 nearly ate himself, will supervise all Darrens and also be in charge of napkin hoarding for the summer months.
Durly's assistant, Maurice, a pigeon that lives in the 8th floor men's restroom, declined comment.
Pappersath Brought Aboard as Staff Ninja Instructor
Glowven Pappersath, known for his role as Pistol Henry in the late 80's drama Why Does My Shoe Smell Like That?, has been brought on board to train an army of ninjas to reclaim HQ from the evil Hu.
Pappersath
Mr. Pappersath is a 17-time World Ninja Association (WNA) bronze-or-worse place finisher, with just north of 12 murders to notch on his belt.
Pappersath Bio
Name: Glowvenovitch Ed Pappersath III
DOB: 1-19-1889
Place of Birth: Cleveland, Ohio
Height: N/A
Weight: 426 lbs.
Partner: Len Nickadeemus (deceased)
Favorite Quote: "You can't skin a watermelon without a pair of pliers"
Comments: Likes aardvark semen, whale lore, and sunny days; dislikes Bob Feathers, arms, and using the restroom
Please welcome Mr. Pappersath on board!
- Staff Ninja Beat Writer Chauncey Billups
Pappersath
Mr. Pappersath is a 17-time World Ninja Association (WNA) bronze-or-worse place finisher, with just north of 12 murders to notch on his belt.
Pappersath Bio
Name: Glowvenovitch Ed Pappersath III
DOB: 1-19-1889
Place of Birth: Cleveland, Ohio
Height: N/A
Weight: 426 lbs.
Partner: Len Nickadeemus (deceased)
Favorite Quote: "You can't skin a watermelon without a pair of pliers"
Comments: Likes aardvark semen, whale lore, and sunny days; dislikes Bob Feathers, arms, and using the restroom
Please welcome Mr. Pappersath on board!
- Staff Ninja Beat Writer Chauncey Billups
June 14, 2012
June 13, 2012
June 12, 2012
2nd round of football draft today
The second round of the BPMFL Draft is coming to you live from Henry Bly's apartment in downtown Klugg.
Analysis from Oscar Rainbow (odd-numbered picks) and Capolo Henderson (even).
9. Charlotte Experience - Juju James, Boston College. James hopped an 11.7 in the one-legged race at the combines in May, and owns seventeen fish. East coast scout Boris Bainbridge on James' future as a pro: "Before training camp he's going to have to get rid of one of those ears. I've never seen a guy with more than two make it in this league."
10. Northern Alabama Sasquatch - Davey Johnson, Washington Nationals. Johnson has over 420 years experience in professional sports, and projects as a legitimate 9 year starter at TE. Once located a rabbit (Henry) living in his left ear.
Update - Henry has been killed.
11. West End - Horace Littinger, Louis Technical Institute. West End takes a chance with the No. 3 pick of the second round as Littinger tested positive for performance-enhancing caterpillar during his senior season. After Louis Tech clinched the Carpet Sample Book with a win over rival Dontavius Prep November, 2010, a drunk Littinger married a postage stamp, but the couple later divorced after a heated argument over an envelope.
12. Fanny City - Lawrence Bird, Indiana Institution of Pacerage. Bird was once believe to be a top of the first round talent, but fell due to the recent discovery that his father was an ostrich. No half ostrich, half human player has ever made it in "the league," so Bird will have to prove that he can be an every-larry back for the Fannies. Fanny City will most likely get Bird signed at a bargain bin price, due to failure to report with bottom of face intact.
Analysis from Oscar Rainbow (odd-numbered picks) and Capolo Henderson (even).
9. Charlotte Experience - Juju James, Boston College. James hopped an 11.7 in the one-legged race at the combines in May, and owns seventeen fish. East coast scout Boris Bainbridge on James' future as a pro: "Before training camp he's going to have to get rid of one of those ears. I've never seen a guy with more than two make it in this league."
10. Northern Alabama Sasquatch - Davey Johnson, Washington Nationals. Johnson has over 420 years experience in professional sports, and projects as a legitimate 9 year starter at TE. Once located a rabbit (Henry) living in his left ear.
Update - Henry has been killed.
11. West End - Horace Littinger, Louis Technical Institute. West End takes a chance with the No. 3 pick of the second round as Littinger tested positive for performance-enhancing caterpillar during his senior season. After Louis Tech clinched the Carpet Sample Book with a win over rival Dontavius Prep November, 2010, a drunk Littinger married a postage stamp, but the couple later divorced after a heated argument over an envelope.
12. Fanny City - Lawrence Bird, Indiana Institution of Pacerage. Bird was once believe to be a top of the first round talent, but fell due to the recent discovery that his father was an ostrich. No half ostrich, half human player has ever made it in "the league," so Bird will have to prove that he can be an every-larry back for the Fannies. Fanny City will most likely get Bird signed at a bargain bin price, due to failure to report with bottom of face intact.
No. 12 pick update: Bird traded to British Columbia for Ernie DelBeggio and a box of old lettuce.
13. Orderdale - Hahingesh Hooheh, no college. Hooheh arrived from the country of Vibbshane Monday having played organized football for just two years. In his final year of youth football in Vibbshane, Hooheh wrestled a mule and won with a late-third period take down. Once ate a desk chair to win a bet.
14. China - Theodore Pinecone, deceased. The Chinese, hoping to catch "lightning in a bottle," go with controversial pick Ted Pinecone at 14. Pinecone passed in the Gorilla Wars of the 1970's, but is still believed to be a potential 3-down pash rusher at "the next level." Pinecone's remains are being excavated and will be shipped immediately to Hong Kong.
15. The Pickles - Paddy Zim, Team 4. The Pickles, who went 4-43 in five seasons of adult baseball, have entered the BPMFL and their first pick is a running back. The team, which will play without shoulder pads or cleats for the first eight games of the 2012 season, per-league rules for expansion teams, also have running back K'E'Onshay McGready on the roster, but Zim has promised "a sea of guacamole if I'm not named the starting running back. I've got a guacamole hose."
16. Raul Delvecchio - John Candy, The Great Outdoors. Candy comes with some question marks, as he was recently spotted swallowing a baboon whole (The Portland Times, August 2012). Despite the cry of fans to draft human-turned-mule Lance Penders here, Candy was believe to be the safe choice and "the pillar of our organization for the next 4 months." Candy is expected to report to camp overweight.
End of second round.
June 11, 2012
Olive bird sighting
[Photograph by Otis Lazlo]
3:50 p.m. HST, outside Merle's Paints on 11th Street.
Live football draft today
The BPMFL (Bog Piso Memorial Football League) will begin its inaugural season in 2012. The league held its first-ever draft this afternoon. Here's a pick-by-pick analysis from staff editors Ernie Ploop (odd-numbered picks) and Capolo Henderson (even).
First round
1. Anderson County Vipers -E'Roc Torkelson, Feathers College & Worm Store. Torkelson, a WR/DB, impressed at the BPMFL combines in May, running a 15.7 in the coleslaw pool relays and having pinpoint control in the pine cone toss. Father, Dale played for the Missouri Battlers of the MWDL.
2. Portland Feet - Daniel Devito, Larry and Barry School of the Donkey. Devito, a widely known hippo enthusiast, is a surprise pick at two. Signability issues are a risk here, but the reward can be substantial for Portland, who hasn't had a 7-tool larry like Devito since Mitt Rockovitch in the late 70's.
3. Horace Valley - Paco Bagel, UCLA. Bagel makes history as the first half-balloon, half-man to be taken in the first round. Once ate 11 ash trays to win a bar bet.
4. Aardvark - Henry Foo, Chattahoochee HS. Aardvark takes the first HS player chosen, Henry Foo. Foo is widely regarded as having a "can't miss" arm, but does offer a challenge for any squadron that chooses him in that he has a "making" problem. Foo will offer immediate competition at the QB spot with incumbent Kirk Ashirmin, who has one leg.
5. Toronto - Ike Oole, San Panetro State. Was MVP of the Bunson League in 1988 as a running back and played Merle in the play Pastrami! from 1990-1992. Ate a Oole family record 14 fire ants (August, 1995). Agent is Oscar Rainbow.
6. Cleveland Capolos - Eeh Twah, Twah Tech. Oldest draftee at 66, Twah decided to opt for a career change after 40+ years in the Ostrich business. Sports a 16.4 second 40 and 7 toes on his left foot.
7. Cleveland Browns - Terrance Bodderson, House of Jesus. Bodderson is the second quarterback taken in the draft, and may be the most polished, literally. A woman named Selma has been polishing Bodderson since the late-1980s. At college, Bodderson successfully converted a salamander into a hippo.
8. Team 4 Softball - "Big Ern" Freddy Ploop. Ploop, the self proclaimed "worst nightmare," is nicknamed "The Ploopinator," and with good reason. Once killed a giraffe during a 1952 pick up game outside Yankee Stadium. Only player taken thus far to have previously played professionally, as a tuba player in Pakistan.
End of first round
First round
1. Anderson County Vipers -E'Roc Torkelson, Feathers College & Worm Store. Torkelson, a WR/DB, impressed at the BPMFL combines in May, running a 15.7 in the coleslaw pool relays and having pinpoint control in the pine cone toss. Father, Dale played for the Missouri Battlers of the MWDL.
2. Portland Feet - Daniel Devito, Larry and Barry School of the Donkey. Devito, a widely known hippo enthusiast, is a surprise pick at two. Signability issues are a risk here, but the reward can be substantial for Portland, who hasn't had a 7-tool larry like Devito since Mitt Rockovitch in the late 70's.
3. Horace Valley - Paco Bagel, UCLA. Bagel makes history as the first half-balloon, half-man to be taken in the first round. Once ate 11 ash trays to win a bar bet.
4. Aardvark - Henry Foo, Chattahoochee HS. Aardvark takes the first HS player chosen, Henry Foo. Foo is widely regarded as having a "can't miss" arm, but does offer a challenge for any squadron that chooses him in that he has a "making" problem. Foo will offer immediate competition at the QB spot with incumbent Kirk Ashirmin, who has one leg.
5. Toronto - Ike Oole, San Panetro State. Was MVP of the Bunson League in 1988 as a running back and played Merle in the play Pastrami! from 1990-1992. Ate a Oole family record 14 fire ants (August, 1995). Agent is Oscar Rainbow.
6. Cleveland Capolos - Eeh Twah, Twah Tech. Oldest draftee at 66, Twah decided to opt for a career change after 40+ years in the Ostrich business. Sports a 16.4 second 40 and 7 toes on his left foot.
7. Cleveland Browns - Terrance Bodderson, House of Jesus. Bodderson is the second quarterback taken in the draft, and may be the most polished, literally. A woman named Selma has been polishing Bodderson since the late-1980s. At college, Bodderson successfully converted a salamander into a hippo.
8. Team 4 Softball - "Big Ern" Freddy Ploop. Ploop, the self proclaimed "worst nightmare," is nicknamed "The Ploopinator," and with good reason. Once killed a giraffe during a 1952 pick up game outside Yankee Stadium. Only player taken thus far to have previously played professionally, as a tuba player in Pakistan.
End of first round
June 8, 2012
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Creflo brought on as Staff Creflo
Creflo "D," known to close associates as Creflo, has been brought on board as Staff Creflo.
Creflo "D"
Creflo, which is short for Creflordamus, is wanted for hippo mutilation with the intent to distribute, and will immediately take space in cellar 4d where he will remain until he ceases to exist. No food will be given to Mr. D, and he will not be allowed to "fiddle with his dinkus." He will be on 24 hour video surveilance, and any attempt to dinkusize will be punishable by tuna.
- Staff Creflo Man Herman Creflo
Creflo "D"
Creflo, which is short for Creflordamus, is wanted for hippo mutilation with the intent to distribute, and will immediately take space in cellar 4d where he will remain until he ceases to exist. No food will be given to Mr. D, and he will not be allowed to "fiddle with his dinkus." He will be on 24 hour video surveilance, and any attempt to dinkusize will be punishable by tuna.
- Staff Creflo Man Herman Creflo
Finnegan Found Hanging From Ceiling, Carted Away by Authorities
Staff Randy Johnson Niles Finnegan was found in his 144th floor office hanging from the ceiling today by Staff Hippo Tr'Von McCharles.
Finnegan
"He was just hanging there, speaking to himself about the economy in a low whisper and eating a bologna sandwich" said Mr. McCharles, who immediately alerted the authorities.
Finnegan was carted off against his will by O'Shoogie doctors, but did manage to remove his pants before the doctors were able to medicate him.
Finnegan is up for euthanization tomorrow at 7 AM.
- Staff Walnut Teddy Pinecone
Finnegan
"He was just hanging there, speaking to himself about the economy in a low whisper and eating a bologna sandwich" said Mr. McCharles, who immediately alerted the authorities.
Finnegan was carted off against his will by O'Shoogie doctors, but did manage to remove his pants before the doctors were able to medicate him.
Finnegan is up for euthanization tomorrow at 7 AM.
- Staff Walnut Teddy Pinecone
Finnegan Hired
Niles Finnegan
Staff Randy Johnson
Experience:
September, 1997 - Played Randy Johnson in the hit play Randy Johnson On The Roof.
May, 2003 - Threw a four-hit shut out against the Milwaukee Brewers. Married a moose named Darryl in the parking lot after the game.
May, 2003 - Divorced moose after an argument over where the car was parked.
December, 2009 - At Pershack County Mall, played a Santa Claus for one day. Fired for boot removal/assault with a boot.
August, 2012 - Fired at Hey Jerk, Get Off My Lawn.
Softball experience:
October, 2010 - Outfielder for Team 4. Led squad with six infield fall downs, nine look-arounds and 11 Zinns.
Blog enemies:
1. Edward Xomcheese
2. Ern Ploop Jr.
3. Bobby Biggles
4. Mollie Mejito
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