Red Shorts Start War Against Morris

A pair of red shorts (Melvin) abandoned by Lieutenant Derwood Morris have decided to wage war, according to Staff War Correspondent Melvin Manipples.

Melvin

Staff President Oscar Q. Rainbow immediately pledged his full financial and military support to the operation.

"Morris must be found, trialed, and murdered as quickly as possible." - Oscar Rainbow

Upon learning of the plight of the red shorts (Melvin), Rainbow also appointed Melvin as Staff Derwood Morris assassin.

Melvin can be found in the 4th floor east wing sitting right outside of the office of Ed Xomcheese (deceased).

- Staff Correspondent Doowoo Woodee

Dr. Michael Kay Offed

Staff Doctor Michael W. Kay has been offed, according to a Louise with a nose in the investigation.

Michael Kay (DEAD)

Dr. Kay was well known around HQ for his love of mountain lions and his efficiency at peeing into a small hole he carved in his 47th floor east desk.

Butthole Simon is being held without bond for the murder of Dr. Kay. All that is known publicly is that a Horace was involved.

Rico Fletcher will take over as Staff Doctor.

- Staff Correspondent DooDee DooDoo

Latest reviews in

The latest reviews for the site (updated January, 1945):

"The Southeastern corner of the state of Georgia's answer to the Detroit Free Press."

- Detroit Free Press

"It's on par with Newsweek magazine."

- Andy Berberry

"This century's Lady, Get Away From My Mailbox!"

- New York Times food section

"I really, really, really liked it. Really. I did. I liked it."

- anonymous

"I told you several times when you first walked in here that I didn't want to be interviewed."

- Sandra Bennet, owner of Sandra's Sandals & Sandcastles (sandrassandalsandsandcastles.com)

"Last century's Sir! I Think You're a Little Too Close to my Hydrangeas."

New York Times leisure section

Dustin Durly Killed

"All Hail his ultimacy, Oscar Rainbow!" - Nort Fong

"All Hail!" - Nort Fong Jr.

"Who?" - Bob Feathers

Swift and immediate retribution was made today when Dustin Durly, 39th editor of Hey Jerk Magazine, was slain.

Durly (DEAD)

"I did it." - Nort Fong

Durly was found decapitated at his 3rd floor cubicle. His head was found perched in the 89th floor women's restroom.

"He was a good looking man - its a shame. I saw him there as I evacuated my bowels, and quite honestly became aroused!" - Norma Zest - Accounting

Durly has been named the 17th Dead Editor in Hey Jerk history by President Rainbow. He will oversee all dead person related posts.

- Staff Correspondent Doodoo Deedee

Durly hired

Dustin Durly was named the 39th editor in Hey Jerk history Thursday morning.

Durly, the son of Dwayne Durly, grandson of Helmet, granddaughter of Felicia, neighbor of Greg Jensen, great-great grandson of Darren Sr., produce salesman from 1978-1991 at Paymorenow Grocers in his hometown of Klank County, son of Ulysses Crugg, aunt to Bethany and Jeannete Durly, map of Colorado side of Route 11 salesman to Iris Leech, teammate of defenseman Brian Leetch, Henry Blub impersonator, father of Mitch Durly, uncle to Benjamin, Nadine, Raj, Clifford Jr. and Francine, pediatrician to the Gluber Sisters, great-aunt to Beatrice and Lyle Durly, district attorney during the trial of Mitchell "The Shoelace Napper" Durly (June, 2009), brother-in-law to houseplant 5, and editor-in-chief at Time magazine (1948-present), Durly's main project will be the construction of the Capolo Street Bridge.

Durly's hamster, Bruce, was unfortunately eaten late Wednesday.

Fong Brought On as Chief of Staff

Norton (Nort) Fong, long time fan and frog genitalia enthusiast, has finally been coerced (kidnapped) into accepting a position at The Jerk. Fong takes over the "show" and will run the site's day-to-day operations as Oscar Rainbow's Chief of Staff.

Fong

Fong - who apparently has hair coming out of his rear end and no discernible "body", will be seated under Oscar Rainbow's desk in his penthouse office space. 

When asked about the potential foot odor situation brewing underneath Rainbow's desk, Fong replied "Mmmm hmmmm, mmmm hmmmm."

Fong begins immediately, and it is believed he has his eyes on the Staff Presidency.

- Staff Contributor Wob Woo

Blodnik hired

Wade Blodnik, believed to be the first banana man in earth's history, has been hired as Wade Supervisor.

Blodnik takes over for Wade Gedshore, who was fired late Friday for misidentifying a Corey as a Wade, and for eating an elephant while wearing a Denver Broncos helmet, which is a class 3 felony in the state of Oklahoma.

Blodnik will take over in storage space B, formerly occupied by ant, 33.

"He's been a contributing citizen for years, so, he deserves a shot at this," said Blodnik's linguine over-eaters anonymous sponsor Capolo Henderson Jr.

Blodnik's leg, Andjuar, declined comment.

Rare photo found of Rico Yetz IV found

Feathers the Clown Set on Fire; Deceased

Feathers the Clown has been killed.

Feathers' arrival scared many of HJ "staffers" to the point that he only lasted 4 minutes on "campus".

He was then doused with lighter fluid while sitting in his cubicle on the west wing of the 77th floor, and lit on fire when Oscar Rainbow flicked the remains of his cigarette in his general facility.

The clown was immediately reduced to nothing more than a small globule.

So long, Feathers. The ride was real.

- Staff Correspondent Terry Terrance

Events

Feathers the Clown

Coming soon to a town near you

Monday evening MahMoud

Lavelle MahMoud
Age: 480 in antelope years
Noses: Carlton, Jane, little Lavelle
Favorite pro basketball team: 1952 Syracuse Nationals
Pieces of bread in his right pants pocket (as of May 10): 7
Charity organizations affiliated with: F.T.T. (Feed the Toasters)
Youth soccer jersey number: never played

Rainbow's Back - Takes Over

Oscar Rainbow has finally made his return.

After years of speculation on his whereabouts, he simply drove up to HJ HQ yesterday evening in his new 2019 Toyota Corolla (Red). Upon his arrival, current (former) Staff President Yolanda Fimply was seen retreated into the woods with what looked like some "brown" marks on her undergarments.

Fimply (Missing)

In light of these events, Rainbow has proclaimed himself the 33rd Staff President in HJ history (his 14th term as President).

Rainbow (Staff President)

Not surprisingly, Rainbow was quick to name his new Vice President - Nolan Pelcher. 

"Pelcher's got what it takes." - Rainbow

Nolan Pelcher (Vice President)

The Rainbow/Pelcher administration's first move (after taking over the entire east wing of HQ), was to take care of new Staff Idiot Wozzlo. 

Wozzlo (Placed in Blender - DEAD)

Fortunately, Wozzlo was able to be turned into a delicious smoothie, which was shared by Dr. Rainbow and his new hit-man, Nolan Pelcher. 

Please accept the reign of Oscar Rainbow, as any detractors will be immediately killed and eaten. 

- Staff Correspondent Bill Ogg

Dozens of new staff announced

New staff members added Monday morning:

Raisin-on-salad removal

Hernan Paul-Gomez

Pointing at ant hills
Nolan Pelcher

Squirrel attorneys
Vanessa Gooch
CC Zandermeer

Emissions - potato trucks
Polly Kuppa
Vance Kuppa

Human-to-raspberry transition
Evelyn Ash

Pecans
Lanette Wickersley

Blouse family representatives
Beatrice Blouse
Bobo Blouse

Carl retrieval
Wozzlo

Dennis Durly Preservation Society
President: Claire Durly
Treasurer: Hollis Macheskie

Cut man (ear)
Little Paulie

Dandelion pizza chef
Ky Limosa

"thumbs up" coordinator (Mon-Wed)
Maurice Leake

Burt Self impersonator
Wallace Renaldo

Patti Plink '20 campaign manager
Izzy Delburton

Derr III out as president/not alive anymore

Ed Fimply Killed

Ed Fimply, the first known photo-person (and also Staff Octopus) in HJ history, has been killed.

Fimply (DEAD)

While the cause of death has been listed as "pending" the results of an autopsy report, it is widely known that Ed Fimply was offed by the original "Bad-ass", Oscar Rainbow.

"Rainbow Lives" - Oscar Rainbow

- Staff Correspondent Marty Fugg

Rare photo of Edward Fimply found

Photograph provided by the Fimply Preservation Society, Nashville, TN

Him hired

Bunker 14 - Longtime celery map salesman Hin Him has been hired as staff Boris Klupcheck, pending a Monday morning mustard stain search.

Him, who is missing the front part of his nose, has one eyebrow which is not attached to his face and continues to live with just one leg despite being at the top of the exclusive Need A Leg? Call Me, Leonard Legget list, will occupy bunker 14 until his personalized yogurt room is finished.

"We've got four more gallons of yogurt due to arrive Thursday afternoon, then we can finish the room, and finally have our promised yogurt lunch break," said Hey Jerk construction foreman Pal Fimply Jr.

Accountant Marv, who lives hanging off of Him's lone ear, was hired as a staff accountant on a temporary basis, replacing Griffin Pepano, who was eaten by a giraffe.