New president named

In somewhat stunning news, and despite his ongoing penguin abduction trial, Harold "Harry" Vulk was named new staff president late Monday.

Vulk, a former linebacker for the semi-professional Clarkston Enchiladas, was found with more than 20 penguins - a class C felony in the great state of Iowa - last weekend. The trial, dubbed "Vulk v penguin appreciation society", continues at Crugg County Courthouse this week.

Vulk's brother, Marcel, issued a statement on behalf of the Vulk family, the Torkelson family and former Family Feud contestant Edith Granch:

"Harry never hurt a penguin, except for possibly the penguins he is charged with hurting, namely Benny the penguin, who is missing one of his feet. We'll fight this, Benny and I, until Harry is brought to justice, or the Highway 20 Burger King (Shadeed)."

Several former pigeon colleagues have come to Vulk's defense, including Paul the Pigeon, who would never hurt a penguin.

"That's not entirely true," said Paul.


- Staff correspondent T.R. Jogg

Rainbow's Back - Takes Over

Oscar Rainbow has finally made his return.

After years of speculation on his whereabouts, he simply drove up to HJ HQ yesterday evening in his new 2019 Toyota Corolla (Red). Upon his arrival, current (former) Staff President Yolanda Fimply was seen retreated into the woods with what looked like some "brown" marks on her undergarments.

Fimply (Missing)

In light of these events, Rainbow has proclaimed himself the 33rd Staff President in HJ history (his 14th term as President).

Rainbow (Staff President)

Not surprisingly, Rainbow was quick to name his new Vice President - Nolan Pelcher. 

"Pelcher's got what it takes." - Rainbow

Nolan Pelcher (Vice President)

The Rainbow/Pelcher administration's first move (after taking over the entire east wing of HQ), was to take care of new Staff Idiot Wozzlo. 

Wozzlo (Placed in Blender - DEAD)

Fortunately, Wozzlo was able to be turned into a delicious smoothie, which was shared by Dr. Rainbow and his new hit-man, Nolan Pelcher. 

Please accept the reign of Oscar Rainbow, as any detractors will be immediately killed and eaten. 

- Staff Correspondent Bill Ogg

Derr Returns, Named Staff President

Considered missing and therefore deceased for just north of 93 years, longtime Staff Idiot Footo Derr returned to HQ today.

Not surprisingly, his first order of business was to assassinate current (now former) Staff President Oscar Rainbow. 

Rainbow will remain on Derr's staff as Staff Q-Tip. 

"We got a lotta dirty ears around these parts!" - Staff President Footo Derr

Derr (President)

Derr Bio

Name: Footo Derr III

DOB: 1/1/1

Age: Unknown

Feet: One

Noses: Unknown

Partner: Crotcho Derr (Married 2004)

Children: 3; Asso, Butto, and Ballo

Likes: Tuna Fish on Rye, The Portland Trailblazers, Donkeys

Dislikes: Mules, Horses, The Cincinatti Bearcats, Ballo Derr

As President, Mr. Derr has closed off the entire 47th floor as "his office". 

"Anyone who attempts to enter the 47th floor will be killed on sight." - President Derr

Staff: please do not attempt to enter the 47th floor. 

Celebratory lime tosses can be thrown at Staff Peanut Winston Fu tonight outside HQ starting at 7 pm. Be sure to bring the kids along: 3 free tosses per child! (Adults: $14/toss)

UPDATE: Fu deceased after 4,957th lime pelting. Remains to remain on site. 

- Staff Correspondent Rocco Frompley