Raj Pookamoffin Found

Raj Pookamoffin, affectionately known as Reid Turner, has been located in a sewer outside Hey Jerk Headquarters, where he apparently had been shacked up since the nuclear fallout of the late 1760's.

Raj

Upon his discovery, Pookamoffin relieved himself on Investigator Roj Peekamiffin's pleated work pants and sang the University of Southern Montana fight song. He resisted arrest, but was ultimately subdued by 4 cheetahs and an antelope named Ted (no relation.)

On his way to he SWAT van, Pookamuffin, believed to be the once elusive "Chocolate Eclair Killer," screamed obscenities and claimed to be having visions of retired Cletus Fimply #8 Portland Trailblazers jerseys.

If you have any information on the whereabouts of Raj Pookamoffin, please contact local police immediately.

RIP Raj Pookamoffin.

- Staff Monkey Dom Monkeymaster

Rare drawing of Rasheed found

A rare drawing of Arnold Rasheed has been obtained by unknown sources. The world's seventh umbrellaperson has been missing since March, 2000 when, according to archives, was used briefly during a spring storm and then left at a diner.

The original group of umbrella people:

1. Coose Lon-cherry (born 1965)
2. Bershap Venstintine (1966)
3. Pipp J. Eeyhore (1969)
4. Duane Hurley (1973)
5. Ruth Mooz (1978)
6. Connie Chocksaw (1979)
7. Rasheed (1980)

[Source: Umbrella People, Issue 17]

Sockety added to roster

Legendary basketball player and lime marriage counselor Calvin'Qwer Sockety has been added to the Hey Jerk basketball roster for the upcoming spring season.

Sockety, who has been using a borrowed mouth on loan from the Onderdonk Group since the Arm Pit Pinch 70s, is expected to take over the backup shooting guard position vacated by the deceased Marvin Durlyshea (shampoo bottle overdose).

Hey Jerk head coach M'Eee-Chelle Potatosmell said Sockety's lack of a left arm and the fact that his right arm is a tree branch shouldn't affect the amount of playing time the Wuzz-14 native will get in the team's 33-man rotation.

"It shouldn't affect how much playing time (Sockety) gets in our team's 33-man rotation," said Potatosmell while teaching a yield sign how to dance.

Sockety's front tooth, Harrison, will play power forward.

Rare sports card for sale

Cecilio Guante 1987 Topps


$140
email william.petunia@gmail.com for purchase

Voomf Vomphy Found

Voomf Clarence-Ted Vomphy has been located after a decade long intercontinental search.

Vomphy

Bio

Name: Voomf Clarence-Theodore Roskowitz-Vomphy Jr.
DOB: 1-8-31
Ethnicity: N/A
Hole in head: Yes
Eyes: 4
Partner: Alan Vomphy (Deceased); Hector the Mule (Present)
Comments: Dislikes Bob Feathers, once murdered a chipmunk (Ralphie Jr.) in order to win a bet for 4 cheetos; Placed 14th in Ostrich Hurdling competition - 1936 Olympic Games - won gold for Croatia



Vomphy was found in the southern part of Africa, living under the assumed name of Berwood Forris. He was peddling signed photos of himself in the buff to blind children to make ends meet. Vomphy will be taken to HQ for questioning regarding the 1988 assassination attempt on Fat Neck Glenn.

Note to staff: Please do not make eye contact with the suspect; he is known to become enraged and nude when he suspects anyone looking at him directly. 

- Staff Mule Rhinoceros Jensen

**UPDATE**

Voomf Vomphy is dead.

Rare drawing of Denton Durly found

[Photo courtesy of Durly Family Archives]

Buckley wins mayor's race

It was an historic Friday morning as Trevontae-Qwom "Buck" Buckley was declared the winner of the Hey Jerk mayor's race.

Buckley, who was born on the planet Werz-14 and with two noses and one ankle-foot, making him a "sub-Durly" according to the Queh Dictionary, defeated the incumbent, Sh'Hensen Pepano by more than 18,000 votes.

Hey Jerk 2013 Mayor Race

Winner - Buckley, Trevontae-Qwom  18,557 votes
Runner-up - Sh'Hensen Pepano     493
3rd - Little Timmy Tapinsky  340
4th - Zoff  76
5th - Ernie Crugg Jr.  58
6th - Nadine Crugg   57

Write-in votes

The ghost of Herman Puckett - 9
Beckman Goolie  - 7
C. Vanderells Bwon -  4
Mordecai Three-Finger Brown  - 3
Capolo Henderson  - 1
Wayne Tolleson's 1988 Topps baseball card - 1

New cast list announced

The cast has been chosen for the upcoming Lyle Cheechern play "Pass The Salt: A Love Story":


Perry Rabbdoff as salt shaker
Ozzo-7 as the grains of salt of hope
Sasha Durly as herself
Peebop Stensen as rearview mirror/rearview mirror alter ego Paul Paulfield
Apple core as itself
Roscoe Nenna as Mel from Jersey
Pepper shaker as Judge Maxwell
Murray and Katherine Reynolds as lucky couple #6
Doc "Ear Pull" Salazar as himself
Hee-ho Shunk as telephone polls 6-through-14
Byron Zorma as the OPEN DOOR elevator button
Natalie Xomcheese as Pepano Vodka spokesgirl Paula Vantz
Kernop-9 as the evil grains of salt of sadness
Edwin San-Michael as Professor Abner Sanchules

and introducing....

Minuscule Marty as Carlton Salt


In theaters November 15!

Litner hired

After decades as one of the country's leading horse photograph whisperers, Leonard Litner has finally been hired at the Jerk, pending a standard Friday evening knee cap tasting.

Litner is expected to take over the staff position of hockey puck massager, which was recently vacated by the disposal of Ronaldo Beefman and his family of turnips.
 
Litner, 56 in snowman years, is the ninth member of his family to be hired at the site, joining Rudolph Litner (employed from 1977-1981), J'Meekhwa Litner (1979-1985), Stubby Chin Litner (1979-1990), Leonard Litner Sr. & Applesauce (1987-1988), Grassclump Litner Jr. (May, 1992-June, 1992), DJ Vel'Kwan-Shouse (1992-2013), Scotchtape Litner (1997-1999) and Ernie Poppadapolis (2000-2003).

CEO Benjamin Gibbons also announced the firing of Denarius Durly and Tatiana Merced as staff hoagie rolls.

Service For Hire

Hey Jerk Industries, Affiliates, and Conglomerations would like to announce a new business venture. The HJ staff has entered the "Ainting" arena.

HJ Team Van

List of services provided by HJ Ainting Staff:

- Bulldog removal
- Pecans
- Castration
- Notary Services
- Mail Delivery
- Szechuan style cuisine
- Murder
- Durly related inquiries
- Ainting
- Pie toss
- Toe
- Vegetable Steaming
- Murder

Please call our pleasant and hygienic staff at 800-KILLDURLY.

It is our ever-going honor to serve you!

- Staff Mule Donkey Face Nelson

Barry Applewind is DEAD

Barry Applewind, world renown for his creation of "Gas Passing; The Musical" and "Shitting in Your Pants Part 3: The Oyster Shell" has passed on. He was 146.

Applewind (DEAD)

Applewind Bio

Name: Harold Juan Jorge "Barry" Applewind Sr.
DOB: Unknown
Weight: 14 lbs
Height:N/A
Partner: Hector Applewind (1908-1909); Bertha Ballsac(1911-1956); Hector Applewind (1992-1993); Hector Applewind (2003-2003); Thomas O'Dea (2003-2012); Hector Applewind (2012-2012)
Comments: Once swallowed a rhinoceros whole (August, 1956) for charity event in Bangor, Maine (Rhinoceros passed); Loves the Portland Trailblazers and Muggsy Bogues; Dislikes Tom O'Dea




Please join us in the HJ Music Hall on Brunson Street NW for a celebration of Applewind's death. A full bar will be available and hippo chops will be served on a first come, first serve basis.

**PRIZES**

- 45" Plasma TV for first to urinate on Applewind's remains
- Lil' Jimmy Fompoon (up for grabs)
- Cheetah (Unknown)

Special event

Miles Derner autographed ketchup packet auction

October 30 from 7:00 p.m. until 10:00 p.m.
Fonchonski Apartment Complex & Applesauce Pits

All-time list of names given to Pete rose's nose

1960-1966 - Pete Jr.

1967-1968 - Pete Jr. And Friends

1969-1974 - Maurice Gibinowitz

1975-1983 - Zorbo 7

1984-1988 - Miles Derner Unwashed

January, 1989-August, 1989 - Ross The Oberman

Late-1989-present - S'Quan Barfield


Source: Beefman Family Archives

Reggie Beefman dolls now available

For the first time on this planet, Reggie Beefman dolls are now available for purchase!

Just in time for Lavelle Hurley Day, you can get your very own Beefman doll, which comes with taco shell bed and alternate blue "Reggie Beefman" t-shirt.

$45 each for a limited time

To order, email Jo he jo Pong at pong4506@gmail.com

Being Told You Look Like Rodney Dangerfield: The 12 Step Recovery Process

Once someone is told they resemble Rodney Dangerfield, following the 12 steps is the recommended method of regaining one's life.

*Note - it is impossible to regain one's life after being told they resemble Rodney Dangerfield.




1. Get told you resemble Rodney Dangerfield
2. Look at ground, consider suicide
3. Mutter thoughtless ramblings to yourself
4. Call Reggie Beefman for a Dangerfield consult
5. Drive to Beefman's house, assassinate him, leave photo of Rodney Dangerfield behind
6. Call police, report Beefman's demise, flee to China
7. Upon landing in Hong Kong, cry hysterically for just north of two hours before hailing cab
8. When you reach hotel, immediately watch Rocky 5 in its entirety
9. Look in the mirror, repeat "I am not Rodney Dangerfield" 100 times over (*at a minimum)
10. Take a shower, start to get a hold of your life
11. After shower, look in mirror again, realize you REALLY DO look like Rodney Dangerfield
12. That's all for you - end it

Durly Hired

Drevontavian Durly has been hired as the new manager of the Durly's softball team.

A team roster for the upcoming 2013-2014 season will be announced soon.