June 21, 2016
May 10, 2016
Poo enters race
SOOSE CITY - Norman Poo, long rumored to be against running for public office, stunned several bird cages Tuesday afternoon when the 55-year old (in pumpkins) announced he's entering the 2116 presidential race.
Poo (olive loaf), has yet to pick a running mate, though former Oklahoma Sooners swim/dive coach Burt Grouse is the front-runner.
"I'm the front-runner," said Grouse.
Poo's history in politics began when he ran for and won the local election (city TBD) in 1984, then in 1988 made his acting debut as the Vice President on the made-for-TV movie President Parakeet.
Poo's bologna sandwich, Terrance declined comment.
Poo (olive loaf), has yet to pick a running mate, though former Oklahoma Sooners swim/dive coach Burt Grouse is the front-runner.
"I'm the front-runner," said Grouse.
Poo's history in politics began when he ran for and won the local election (city TBD) in 1984, then in 1988 made his acting debut as the Vice President on the made-for-TV movie President Parakeet.
Poo's bologna sandwich, Terrance declined comment.
May 3, 2016
For Sale: 1988 Nissan Altima - Mint Condition
Car (Otis)
Name: Otis Bradberry Sr.
Year: 1988
Make: Nissan
Model: Altima
Rear Bumber: No! (Left side eaten by rabid water buffalo)
License Plate: No!
Notes: *Bumper\Trunk string not included. Hose on right side of car leaks gasoline, not considered an issue.
$9900 OBO. Call Ned 555-NEDD.
Year: 1988
Make: Nissan
Model: Altima
Rear Bumber: No! (Left side eaten by rabid water buffalo)
License Plate: No!
Notes: *Bumper\Trunk string not included. Hose on right side of car leaks gasoline, not considered an issue.
$9900 OBO. Call Ned 555-NEDD.
April 28, 2016
Pock perishes
Another member of the Pock family has suffered the ultimate fate (mayonnaise) and passed on as Aurelio "Buttons" Pock fell out of his canoe and suffered what doctors are referring to as Pock's Disease (elbow pads) Thursday afternoon.
Pock was president of the United States of America But Just In Aurelio Pock's House from 1944-1966, then was engaged to a postage stamp named Trudy from 1970-1978, but the couple never married after it was learned that Trudy had already been licked and used on an envelope (cable bill, Henrietta).
Along with his brothers, Rory, Olin and Zez, Aurelio started the band It's Pock To Meet You and the group famously performed at a 1989 music festival while being chased by a mongoose.
Aurelio is survived by a drawing of a tape dispenser and his goldfish bowl, Stanley Sr.
Pock was president of the United States of America But Just In Aurelio Pock's House from 1944-1966, then was engaged to a postage stamp named Trudy from 1970-1978, but the couple never married after it was learned that Trudy had already been licked and used on an envelope (cable bill, Henrietta).
Along with his brothers, Rory, Olin and Zez, Aurelio started the band It's Pock To Meet You and the group famously performed at a 1989 music festival while being chased by a mongoose.
Aurelio is survived by a drawing of a tape dispenser and his goldfish bowl, Stanley Sr.
Berman family
Chris
Herman
Thurman
Sherman
Furman
Vermin
Nermin
Herman
Merman
Shu-Fong
Tito
Lil' Fella
Milwaukeebrewer
Ka-Ka
Ernie
April 22, 2016
Reggies
[updated 4/22/16]
Reggie Nerf
Reggie "Reg" Nikinlin
Reggie Jacksonian (Dublin, GA)
Reggie Bohmar
Reggie Gendamar
Reggie Zayne
"Reg"
Reggie Dodrop
Reggie Nerf
Reggie "Reg" Nikinlin
Reggie Jacksonian (Dublin, GA)
Reggie Bohmar
Reggie Gendamar
Reggie Zayne
"Reg"
Reggie Dodrop
March 28, 2016
Gallego passes on
Side of Route 84 - Millions were stunned to learn that Heeko Gallego, longtime bass player for Caramelized Back Brace and advocate for same-sex leaf counting, had been eaten by his pet raccoon, Renaldo.
The two had been living together since Renaldo first arrived on the planet last May 8.
Reports have been confirmed that Renaldo did, in fact use a dijon mustard to consume his former owner.
The Gallego family (tape measure) issued the following photograph of Gallego as an infant and started the bidding at $150:
The two had been living together since Renaldo first arrived on the planet last May 8.
Reports have been confirmed that Renaldo did, in fact use a dijon mustard to consume his former owner.
The Gallego family (tape measure) issued the following photograph of Gallego as an infant and started the bidding at $150:
Zondo announces candidacy
Bo Hunes - Everett Zondo has announced he will run for Tallest Citizen against "incumbent" Marty True in this fall's election.
Zondo's height will be revealed at a later date, though some believe the Yo County native could be as tall as 1,100 baby carrots.
"That's true, we do believe that," said one some.
Zondo has not yet announced his Bagel Runner, though the smart acorns are on either Solly Razz (ice cube) or Zondo's closest napkin, Terrance.
Other races:
Most Arm Freckles
Dennis D. Dro vs. Polly Wocka
Standing Furthest From That Water Fountain
Gail Glous vs. Pointing Percy
Sweatiest - over 40 division
Big Steve vs. Jill Kreimeier
Zondo's height will be revealed at a later date, though some believe the Yo County native could be as tall as 1,100 baby carrots.
"That's true, we do believe that," said one some.
Zondo has not yet announced his Bagel Runner, though the smart acorns are on either Solly Razz (ice cube) or Zondo's closest napkin, Terrance.
Other races:
Most Arm Freckles
Dennis D. Dro vs. Polly Wocka
Standing Furthest From That Water Fountain
Gail Glous vs. Pointing Percy
Sweatiest - over 40 division
Big Steve vs. Jill Kreimeier
February 8, 2016
Didier - A Family Reborn
Bruce and Dennis Didier, distant relatives of Tifko and Donald Didier, have been hired "to bring Didier tradition and values back to the firm", said CEO and Staff Dictator Aurelio Pock.
Bruce
Bruce
Bruce, formerly known as Wendell Pock, is a Capricorn that loves hikes on the moon and sunbathing with his pet ostrich, Marv. Dennis is a loser with no friends that wears adult diapers (for months at a time.)
Please join us in welcoming the Didiers to our office complex, into our homes (for extended periods of time), and into our hearts.
- Staff Moron Bob Feathers
November 20, 2015
Photo updates now available
A disturbing photo was sent to headquarters earlier this week, and finally some explanations have surfaced.
In this photo
* There is a 1/3-man-3/4 tree with en eyeball (Jojo)
* Inside that tree, Dwayne Tomancheck needs medical attention and/or is deceased
* A young man by the name of Yuri Sha is -dungarees
* Flight 449 (Ozz Valley to Sumder) has been re-routed to be included in the Harold Day Parade
* There are two suns, one green, one purple. Both suns have been entered into the 2015 Top Sun competition (December 7-10, 2015 at Capolo Fairgrounds)
* A car is playing a game of basketball, and trails 17-14 late in the first quarter
* Linda the Elephant has flown away
Still unknown
* [mule]
In this photo
* There is a 1/3-man-3/4 tree with en eyeball (Jojo)
* Inside that tree, Dwayne Tomancheck needs medical attention and/or is deceased
* A young man by the name of Yuri Sha is -dungarees
* Flight 449 (Ozz Valley to Sumder) has been re-routed to be included in the Harold Day Parade
* There are two suns, one green, one purple. Both suns have been entered into the 2015 Top Sun competition (December 7-10, 2015 at Capolo Fairgrounds)
* A car is playing a game of basketball, and trails 17-14 late in the first quarter
* Linda the Elephant has flown away
Still unknown
* [mule]
November 9, 2015
Anderbelly Winfreed Given a Chance
In shocking news, The Jerk has decided that one time elephant impersonator and hippo burglar Anderbelly Winfreed deserves a chance. Thus, he has been given one (Staff George).
Winfreed
BIO
Name: Anderbelly JaQuun Winfreed
DOB: 13/14/99
Sex: Unknown
Head: No
Favorite Athlete: Alvaro Ezpinoza
Voted most likely to be......: Ballerina
Head: Again, NO
Hates: Oscar Rainbow, cheetahs
Likes: cheetahs, Bob Feathers' Gravestone
Winfreed will immediately take over all George related inquiries from former Staff George, Herman Bump (deceased).
Please join us in giving Anderbelly a chance!
- Staff Hippo Herman Bump
UPDATE (1:22 PM EST):
Winfreed has been eaten.
Services will be held at Bog Piso Auditorium from 11 PM to 3 AM this evening. Biscuits will be served, in accordance with Anderbelly's wishes. Hank The Mule will provide the trumpet entertainment at the afterparty.
Winfreed
Name: Anderbelly JaQuun Winfreed
DOB: 13/14/99
Sex: Unknown
Head: No
Favorite Athlete: Alvaro Ezpinoza
Voted most likely to be......: Ballerina
Head: Again, NO
Hates: Oscar Rainbow, cheetahs
Likes: cheetahs, Bob Feathers' Gravestone
Winfreed will immediately take over all George related inquiries from former Staff George, Herman Bump (deceased).
Please join us in giving Anderbelly a chance!
- Staff Hippo Herman Bump
UPDATE (1:22 PM EST):
Winfreed has been eaten.
Services will be held at Bog Piso Auditorium from 11 PM to 3 AM this evening. Biscuits will be served, in accordance with Anderbelly's wishes. Hank The Mule will provide the trumpet entertainment at the afterparty.
November 4, 2015
Blog invaded
The following photo, obtained by staff member Emily Carson-Kennewith, shows a member of a race of school bus-nosed dachshunds, which have invaded our planet Earmuff.
There is believed to be hundreds of the beings surrounding not only Jerk headquarters, but also the home of former NFL quarterback Randall Cunningham, who declined comment. Several of the creatures will eventually be cooked in a deep frier and served to the Mastandria family (page 7, paragraphs 3-5 of New Visitors handbook).
Also, the following staff members have been eaten (last update: 3:04 p.m.):
- Connie Kim (corn on the cob-drum music reviews)
- Etch Eienhorn (ear pinch counseling)
- Emmit Yaycheeze (3B/DH)
There is believed to be hundreds of the beings surrounding not only Jerk headquarters, but also the home of former NFL quarterback Randall Cunningham, who declined comment. Several of the creatures will eventually be cooked in a deep frier and served to the Mastandria family (page 7, paragraphs 3-5 of New Visitors handbook).
Also, the following staff members have been eaten (last update: 3:04 p.m.):
- Connie Kim (corn on the cob-drum music reviews)
- Etch Eienhorn (ear pinch counseling)
- Emmit Yaycheeze (3B/DH)
"He's Here" - Volume One - Q'Pimpo Breastassist
"He's Here."
Q'Pimpo Breastassist is the inaugural member of The Jerk's newest weekly ritual - "He's Here." Each week we will feature the newest member of the club, a person/being that has recently arrived at The Jerk and has plans to "make changes."
Q'Pimpo Breastassist
Name: Q'Pimpo Tragglossio Breastassist
DOB: 12/14/14
Asian: N/A
What is it: ?
Legs: 3 (known); 4 (hidden)
Idiot: Yes
Nose: No, nooooo.
Spouse: Z.
Comments: Once arrested in British Columbia for impersonating a giraffe in an attempt to garner political attention (served 12+ years in federal penitentiary); Ate 14 Mel Pumbeckles whole (1966 Autumn Fair - Quigley County)
"He's Here!"
Please join us in welcoming Q'Pimpo to our staff.
- Staff Q'Pimpo Ferwood Horris
Q'Pimpo Breastassist is the inaugural member of The Jerk's newest weekly ritual - "He's Here." Each week we will feature the newest member of the club, a person/being that has recently arrived at The Jerk and has plans to "make changes."
Q'Pimpo Breastassist
DOB: 12/14/14
Asian: N/A
What is it: ?
Legs: 3 (known); 4 (hidden)
Idiot: Yes
Nose: No, nooooo.
Spouse: Z.
Comments: Once arrested in British Columbia for impersonating a giraffe in an attempt to garner political attention (served 12+ years in federal penitentiary); Ate 14 Mel Pumbeckles whole (1966 Autumn Fair - Quigley County)
"He's Here!"
Please join us in welcoming Q'Pimpo to our staff.
- Staff Q'Pimpo Ferwood Horris
November 2, 2015
Introducing New Staff HR Manager Ther Eis
We would like to take a moment to introduce the Jerk's newest staff member and HR Manager, Ther Eis.
Eis (Deceased)
Eis, formerly of the Connecticut Sanchules Family, is to be welcomed "with open arms" by all staff members. Note, this is not to be taken literally - do not actually open your arms when you see Eis. This is considered an insult in his country, and his resulting actions are not the responsibility of "the firm". Chances of death are significant - "FYI."
Services for Eis will be as follows:
11/6 at McDonalds - The Eulogy
11/8 at the Aschermann Household - The Burial
11/10 at HJ Headquarters - Report for duty, 8 AM.
Please direct any Ther Eis related inquries to Capolo "Dominic" Henderson at capolo@yahoo.com
Thanks to all - and a very merry Easter.
- Staff Editor Donkeyface Nelson
Eis (Deceased)
Eis, formerly of the Connecticut Sanchules Family, is to be welcomed "with open arms" by all staff members. Note, this is not to be taken literally - do not actually open your arms when you see Eis. This is considered an insult in his country, and his resulting actions are not the responsibility of "the firm". Chances of death are significant - "FYI."
Services for Eis will be as follows:
11/6 at McDonalds - The Eulogy
11/8 at the Aschermann Household - The Burial
11/10 at HJ Headquarters - Report for duty, 8 AM.
Please direct any Ther Eis related inquries to Capolo "Dominic" Henderson at capolo@yahoo.com
Thanks to all - and a very merry Easter.
- Staff Editor Donkeyface Nelson
October 23, 2015
Family basketball game turns ugly
Torkelson Valley, PQ - The annual basketball game between rival families the Torkelsons and the McCaffertys ended abruptly on Friday afternoon when little Billy Sherman was shot out of a canon after a third quarter foul call.
This artist rendering by staff editor Capolo Henderson depicts the exact moment when the nine-year old Sherman, who was subbing for the injured Walter McCafferty Jr. (pumpkin), was shot from the canon in what power forward/father William Torkelson called "the last time that kid ever throws an elbow in the paint".
The Torkelson family has fled the scene in their bus and are considered dangerous(ly full of pasta fazul), though experts believe the hunt for the family will end soon as TORKELSON is written on the side of the bus.
Also: after draining a step-back jumper from 10 feet late in the first quarter, Grandpa Paul "will spend the remainder of his days lying down on the front lawn next to a pile of spilled barbecue sauce," according to the family tree, Elijah.
The second sun, Valerie, declined comment.
This artist rendering by staff editor Capolo Henderson depicts the exact moment when the nine-year old Sherman, who was subbing for the injured Walter McCafferty Jr. (pumpkin), was shot from the canon in what power forward/father William Torkelson called "the last time that kid ever throws an elbow in the paint".
The Torkelson family has fled the scene in their bus and are considered dangerous(ly full of pasta fazul), though experts believe the hunt for the family will end soon as TORKELSON is written on the side of the bus.
Also: after draining a step-back jumper from 10 feet late in the first quarter, Grandpa Paul "will spend the remainder of his days lying down on the front lawn next to a pile of spilled barbecue sauce," according to the family tree, Elijah.
The second sun, Valerie, declined comment.
Orsh Zolloway: HIRED
Hey Jerk Productions and Watermelons is proud to announce the hire of former Theo Buxley, Orsh Zolloway.
Orsh
Zolloway Bio
Name: Orshoff Zinn-Zolloway-Queh
DOB: 1/1/1
Arms: 1
Legs: 3
Feet: Unknown
Noses: 7 (5 not pictured (mule))
Favorite spice: Chipotle Chile Powder
Weiner: N/A
Partner: Ralph Soffo (deceased); Idiot Marley (present)
Notes: Loves the Cleveland Cavaliers, walks on the moon; dislikes Asia
Please join us in welcoming Orsh on as Staff Grapefruit.
- Staff Moron Bob Feathers
Orsh
Zolloway Bio
Name: Orshoff Zinn-Zolloway-Queh
DOB: 1/1/1
Arms: 1
Legs: 3
Feet: Unknown
Noses: 7 (5 not pictured (mule))
Favorite spice: Chipotle Chile Powder
Weiner: N/A
Partner: Ralph Soffo (deceased); Idiot Marley (present)
Notes: Loves the Cleveland Cavaliers, walks on the moon; dislikes Asia
Please join us in welcoming Orsh on as Staff Grapefruit.
- Staff Moron Bob Feathers
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