Phopp Found

Stinky Phopp, a staff correspondent, finally made an appearance at Jerk headquarters Monday afternoon. The former mustard drinking contest champion made a mess in his shorts, took several envelopes from the supply closet and declared war on the sink in the 3rd floor restroom before running into the east woods.


Phopp

Phopp has corresponded on a number of breaking news stories in his short time at the Jerk, and is in the process of completing his first novel, Things I Found In Barry's Ear.

Jones Passes Away

Oboe Jones, who was hired in late-July as staff orchestra, died in a violin fire early Monday. Jones, 62, was attempting to reunite a violin with its estranged mother when the string instruments caught on fire. Jones, who wasn't liked by anyone on staff, was eating a fingernail sandwich at the time and didn't see the flames.

Instead of funeral services, we're just going to go about our business like Oboe Jones was never hired in the first place. His dart board would've wanted it that way.


- Correspondent Thom O'Day

Sanchules Grinded Into Sausage

Kurt Sanchules, longtime unnecessary Staff Kiwi, was grinded into a pile of spicy Sanchules Sausage early Monday morning, according to Pip Glenn, who performed the ancient ritual.

Sanchules (Dead)

Following the incident, Glenn released the following statement through his publicist, Rourk Quosherman:

"While the Glenn family is sad to see Mr. Sanchules have to go, we simply needed the sausage for a Sanchules Stew dish we are preparing for this weekend. To the Sanchules family: we are deeply appreciative for the sacrifice you have made for the well being of the Glenn family."

It is believed that Pip Glenn plans on preparing the Sanchules Stew with a garlic glove and bottle of Ragu Tomato Basil.

- Stinky Phopp

Saturday Cancellations

Racquetball: Drunville vs. Wonto's Deli, moved to Monday at 8:00 a.m.
PaulfieldFest: postponed due to sock riot
Save the Elbows fundraiser: December 17

Autographed card for sale

Raul Mondesi



* Personalized to staff editor Capolo


$.07
email oscarrainbow@gmail.com

Hey Jerk's 1st Anniversary Party

Cake baked by editor Aunt Estelle


Editors Oscar Rainbow and Capolo


Staff Hobo Chuck Frozengard


Salami (did not make appearance)

Pinecone Eaten

A dark period in the Jerk's history has ended as Theodore "Teddy" Pinecone has been eaten by an alligator. Pinecone, who recently published his first novel "Smells I Smell", was frolicking in a nearby swamp when an alligator, Vincent, swallowed whole the former staff tree.

Pinecone leaves behind a pot of mashed potatoes. Funeral services were scheduled for Saturday at 1:00 p.m., but were canceled due to lack of interest. The mailbox flag eating contest will continue as scheduled, Sunday at 10:00 a.m.

Gary Grape's Day at the Beach

Hanging

The whole town attended the hanging-by-swiss-cheese of Groover Bumbeeto.

**RESULTS OF ANNUAL AUDIT**

As you may recall, the Hey Jerk team recently retained the services of Carlos Consultant to examine a few concerning blog statistics. The results of the audit were revealed at today's annual meeting.

It was determined that Hey Jerk has an annual turnover rate of 58%. While high, it's not the 90% turnover rate previously assumed by insiders. The continuous hiring of new staff (on nearly a daily basis) into new positions balances out the rate. A few important statistics follow:

- The Jerk has hired 130 individuals into 130 positions (creating new positions for each individual rather than replacing exiting employees)
- One staff member has been hired twice. After being summarily fired, Chuck Frozengard was rehired as Staff Hobo on a probationary basis. He is banned from coming within 16 feet of a VCR; should he violate this agreement, he will again be let-go.
- Out of the 75 employees no longer with Hey Jerk, 72 died. Only 3 employees left for other reasons (Wendell Didier: Under Arrest; Zezbro 7: On the Run; Chuck Frozengard: Fired and rehired). Cause and effect has not yet been determined. The board will be meeting next Wednesday to discuss whether working at the Jerk is deadly or if management is inclined to hire people in "Death's Shadow."
- While many employees died in mundane ways (killed in Queh fire, dead by pen cap overdose, eaten by hippo, etc.), Chlembhat 16 was the unfortunate victim of interplanetary warfare. He remains the only Hey Jerk staffer to have died via hyper-neon ray gun.
- In addition to its 130 staff positions, Hey Jerk is the owner of three freestanding buildings. The Hey Jerk Jail (also known as Bertrund) houses Wendell Didier and Sanjay Gupta's cousin. This property is valued at 74,000 yen. The Hey Jerk Courthouse will be going up for auction this weekend. Finally, the Hey Jerk Headquarters have been renovated with indoor plumbing and floral wallpaper, boosting the eventual resale value by fifty percent to $0.04.

Carlos Consultant plans to work with the Hey Jerk board and proctologists from the local research hospital to determine what's killing Jerk employees. Stay tuned.

Plepbo 77 Flies Away, Presumed Deceased

Plepbo 77, hired on as the completely unnecessary Staff Windshield several weeks ago, was seen flying due north from HQ around 3:30 AM. Around 3:42 AM, Plepbo was spotted flying directly into the jet exhaust of an Airtran 757, and was presumed dead.

Plepbo (Dead)

Staff Smung Horace Smung commented on the death:

"Even though we had no idea what Plepbo was, or what his purpose was here, we all enjoyed his company. His green excrement entrails will be missed around HQ - you always knew where Plepbo was or had been."

Look for a new alien to be hired by weeks end.

- Stinky Phopp

Baga Dies In Wheelbarrow Crash

Staff felon Wixom Baga died Monday evening in a wheelbarrow accident. The 42-year old, longtime wheelbarrow enthusiast and married to a wheelbarrow, Samantha, crashed into the Capolo River after leaving a salami function.

Baga left behind a turtle-shaped sprinkler, a small bag of toenails and his Banana Gentry bobblehead doll, which was covered in dead spiders.

Consultant Hired

The Hey Jerk team has hired a consultant, Carlos Consultant, to examine their 90% staff turnover rate.

Upon being hired by Hey Jerk, many previously outstanding applicants have fled, been fired immediately, or perished in unusual ways. Carlos will work hard to understand what's really going on.

"We're concerned that our high turnover rate is negatively affecting the quality of our blog," said correspondent Cal Naughton Jr. "It's gotten to the point where the majority of our posts are dedicated to sharing internal company matters with our readers."

New Smung On Staff, Kills Bagel

In a move some are calling "revenge," Horace Smung has been hired on as Staff Smung. His first order of business was to begin "Revenge Campaign 2010" and kill Carlos Bagel, a longtime Rainbow sympathizer. Smung "Smunged" Bagel, and at the current time it is not known what that means.

Horace Smung





Bagel (Dead)




"There will be more of my family. We won't slither around and take this type of abuse. We've lost Clive probably forever, but Ummbot is a man waiting in the wings."


- Staff Editor in Waiting Cal Naughton Jr.

Smung Killed

With the news of Capolo retreating to the woods, there was no longer a need to employ someone to keep his nether-regions clean. So, in a brutal slaying, Clive Smung was murdered by vacuum. No one will miss Smung or his giant glasses. Funeral services were cancelled and instead the entire staff will be treated to Asparagus Ice Cream, courtesy of the Smung family.

Capolo Retreats to Forest

Breaking news from outside Hey Jerk headquarters as staff editor Capolo has apparently retreated to the woods to re-evaluate his life. The move to the woods was anticipated after the longtime editor and self-appointed "leader of the possum people" made a disturbing entry into his diary late Saturday:

Just returned from my meeting with Murray. He suggested I spend a few days in the north woods while things cool down. Tempers flared during a routine hamburger bun-inspection at the Inn Friday, and threats were made towards me and several of my lint traps. This doesn't feel like the idle threats and empty promises of previous regimes. This has the makings of a full-scale war and only the strongest and eyebrowless will survive. I'm bringing my finest celery in the hopes I can negotiate a suitable living space.

Capolo's duties at the blog, which include standing and pointing at things, will be handled by correspondent Cal Naughton Jr., while we monitor the situation for at least the next 20-25 minutes.

"I will take the responsibility of this job as I approach life-wearing a pastrami helmet," said Naughton Jr.



Last known photo of Naughton Jr. (June, 1996)