May 11, 2017
"Derner's Back"
Miles Derner, once swallowed whole by a Rhinoceros (Wong-chi), has returned and been annointed new Staff President.
Derner (Staff President)
No further comments will be made at this time. Former Staff President Hu has been eliminated (fecal).
- Staff President Miles Derner
Derner (Staff President)
No further comments will be made at this time. Former Staff President Hu has been eliminated (fecal).
- Staff President Miles Derner
Pennycow Is Back (Mule)
Nardsuckle Pennycow (Mule) has risen from the dead (as was foreseen by Reech Plumscroch)
Pennycow (Mule) (Alive)
Pennycow (Mule) seems to have had a testicular-removal procedure performed since his death (ostrich) but otherwise is in good spirits.
"All hail President Hu!" - Bobby Timmons
Celebrations are being held on the 112th Floor Southeast Wing (urinals).
- Staff Contributor Oscar Rainbow Jr.
Pennycow (Mule) (Alive)
"All hail President Hu!" - Bobby Timmons
Celebrations are being held on the 112th Floor Southeast Wing (urinals).
- Staff Contributor Oscar Rainbow Jr.
Pennycow no longer with us
The Pennycow era ended as deliciously as it began with Nardsuckle being eaten by a koala bear.
"It's exactly how he would've wanted to go," said a statement issued by the unnamed koala bear's legal defense team. "All Pennycows must be consumed whole by a koala bear while in a drive-thru line at a Bojangles. It's written, in mashed potatoes, in the scriptures."
Pennycow was responsible for several initiatives while on staff, including Take Your Mailbox to Work Day.
A funeral is scheduled for Saturday when Pennycow's remains will be sprinkled on a 10-foot hoagie and consumed by the Yaycheeze family.
"It's exactly how he would've wanted to go," said a statement issued by the unnamed koala bear's legal defense team. "All Pennycows must be consumed whole by a koala bear while in a drive-thru line at a Bojangles. It's written, in mashed potatoes, in the scriptures."
Pennycow was responsible for several initiatives while on staff, including Take Your Mailbox to Work Day.
A funeral is scheduled for Saturday when Pennycow's remains will be sprinkled on a 10-foot hoagie and consumed by the Yaycheeze family.
Hired: Nardsuckle Pennycow (Mule)
Nardsuckle Pennycow (Mule) has been hired as Staff Cubicle.
Pennycow (Mule)
Photo Credit: Brian Gregory
Lines in Background: N/A
Magnet: Yes
Pants: Pinstripe (New York Yankee)
Ears: Not at this time
Eyeball(s): It is so
Tie: Bow
Nose: No
Arms: No
Feet: No
Hair: No
Body: No
Belt: No
Photo Credit: Paul Hewitt
Movie Credits: Rocky 112: Paul(ie) Reborn as Pete(y)
Nardsuckle (Mule) will begin work immediately; all employees are encouraged to sit on him to perform their daily work activities. Please report directly to Dr. Crugg with any HR related issues, and as always, the urinal on Floor 4-West is out of order until further notice (chicken).
- Staff Contributor Mrooble Fonchonski
Pennycow (Mule)
Lines in Background: N/A
Magnet: Yes
Pants: Pinstripe (New York Yankee)
Ears: Not at this time
Eyeball(s): It is so
Tie: Bow
Nose: No
Arms: No
Feet: No
Hair: No
Body: No
Belt: No
Photo Credit: Paul Hewitt
Movie Credits: Rocky 112: Paul(ie) Reborn as Pete(y)
Nardsuckle (Mule) will begin work immediately; all employees are encouraged to sit on him to perform their daily work activities. Please report directly to Dr. Crugg with any HR related issues, and as always, the urinal on Floor 4-West is out of order until further notice (chicken).
- Staff Contributor Mrooble Fonchonski
May 6, 2017
Talking hamburgers
I! LOVE! TALKING! HAMBURGERS! EVERYBODY!
MY! FAVORITE!IS!SALAMI! AND!CHEESE!
IF! YOU! DO! SUBSCRIBE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Guest contributor Michaela Russo
April 30, 2017
Boopy, Tuba form alliance
After years of taco shell fights, both flour and corn, the Boopy and Tuba families have ordered a cease-Rolando and formed an historic alliance.
"It's time for our two great families to join forces and defeat the common enemy: discount office furniture depots," said Robert Boopy, 814 in bread crusts.
"It's time for our two great families to join forces and defeat the common enemy: discount office furniture depots," said Robert Boopy, 814 in bread crusts.
"This is the greatest day in the history of not only the Boopy and Tuba families, but the Torkelsons, the Yonsons, an egg salad sandwich I ate in 1995, the Jayjos, the Sandersons, the Yoncheezes, that mailbox flag over there, the Crouses, the Cronins, both in Delaware & Northeast Missouri, the Kreymaiers, a rain puddle I saw last Tuesday, the Gallegos, the Vanderells, the Yorlaps, the December 15, 2003 issue of the New York Post, the Feinsteins and the Wimplers," said Arthur Tuba, whose tree branch growing out of his back is named Terrell.
In other news, Eddie Shouse will be moving to Tempe, Arizona on June 18.
March 29, 2017
Rare photo found
Gleeve County - The family of the late Arthur Zeg has released a rare photograph of the former elevator button abuse counselor.
It's the first-known photograph of Zeg since the "Sitting in Mayonnaise" series of the late-1970s. Zeg passed earlier this month at the age of 1,046 goldfish.
It's the first-known photograph of Zeg since the "Sitting in Mayonnaise" series of the late-1970s. Zeg passed earlier this month at the age of 1,046 goldfish.
His last-known phonebook was Durham, North Carolina, 2002.
October 17, 2016
Coobaw family list released
[Updated 7:10 pm]
Duane Coobaw
Dottie Coobaw (pear)
Garret & chalkboard Coobaw
Callie Coobaw
T-Bobby Coobaw
Vince Coobaw & radish (Didi)
Jo he-Jo Pong
Wally Coobaw (water slide, 1988-1992)
Herm Coobaw
Herm Coobaw Jr. (stationery)
Orestes Coobaw
Sandra & Lionel Coobaw-Meese
Terrence Washington (dandelion spores)
Everett Cochran
J.J. Coobaw III + cotton sheets
Vivian Coobaw (Harriet)
Coco Coobaw
Dorothy Coobaw
The Flying Coobaws, featuring Wingless Wayne
Ernie "Toast Crumbs" Coobaw
Duane Coobaw
Dottie Coobaw (pear)
Garret & chalkboard Coobaw
Callie Coobaw
T-Bobby Coobaw
Vince Coobaw & radish (Didi)
Jo he-Jo Pong
Wally Coobaw (water slide, 1988-1992)
Herm Coobaw
Herm Coobaw Jr. (stationery)
Orestes Coobaw
Sandra & Lionel Coobaw-Meese
Terrence Washington (dandelion spores)
Everett Cochran
J.J. Coobaw III + cotton sheets
Vivian Coobaw (Harriet)
Coco Coobaw
Dorothy Coobaw
The Flying Coobaws, featuring Wingless Wayne
Ernie "Toast Crumbs" Coobaw
September 8, 2016
A story of Eggs
KERMADOR - "About that time on the mustard slide? Just bill my antelope," said Gregory Eggs to his apple tree.
And so a classic (H)american story began.
Eggs, 51 in grass stains, and his collection of empty tomato sauce cans - Catherine, Randal Jr., Debra & Carl the Can - would later relocate to a self-storage facility in South Koob (source: Nunce Valley Times, May, 1955).
Cards and letters can be given to ice cube tray, who will deliver them to the nearest camel (Rod Becker) before the long, scenic trip through rural Bly Valley and on into the foothills of the Zadd Mountains.
Eggs' family, which chose to remain pancakeless, now chooses to "toss its batter to the world", according to family spokesmailbox, black with red flag.
And so a classic (H)american story began.
Eggs, 51 in grass stains, and his collection of empty tomato sauce cans - Catherine, Randal Jr., Debra & Carl the Can - would later relocate to a self-storage facility in South Koob (source: Nunce Valley Times, May, 1955).
Cards and letters can be given to ice cube tray, who will deliver them to the nearest camel (Rod Becker) before the long, scenic trip through rural Bly Valley and on into the foothills of the Zadd Mountains.
Eggs' family, which chose to remain pancakeless, now chooses to "toss its batter to the world", according to family spokesmailbox, black with red flag.
Eggs, during happier times
[Staff photo Jo he Jo Pong)
July 24, 2016
Hu, assistants accused of Percy persecution
John Hu, blog president for less than 12 episodes of Family Matters, has been accused of widespread Percy persecution (P.p.).
Several of Hu's cabinet members, including rubber bands (2), tacking paper, & a Chinese restaurant soy sauce packet, were also accused of the class-A misdemeanor (dry cleaner) in a report, Percy, Summer '16.
Percy Paulsen spoke in his bathrobe and a "Mo Yorlap For Governor" t-shirt on behalf of the alleged victims:
"Percy persecution? Not on my watch," Paulsen said, while searching the crowd for a watch.
New reports will be made available once certain availability levels, named C.J. Neville, are revealed by Neal (knee level).
Several of Hu's cabinet members, including rubber bands (2), tacking paper, & a Chinese restaurant soy sauce packet, were also accused of the class-A misdemeanor (dry cleaner) in a report, Percy, Summer '16.
Percy Paulsen spoke in his bathrobe and a "Mo Yorlap For Governor" t-shirt on behalf of the alleged victims:
"Percy persecution? Not on my watch," Paulsen said, while searching the crowd for a watch.
New reports will be made available once certain availability levels, named C.J. Neville, are revealed by Neal (knee level).
July 18, 2016
Hu Released, Takes Over Hey Jerk Presidency
Hu has been released from his incarceration at HJ Prison, where he had been held for the previous 13 months after being found guilty of Hippo genocide.
Hu
Hu, seen here immediately following his release, was later seen "lightly jogging" to the San Diego Zoo. His whereabouts are unknown, but it is believe he may have taken up camp in the Hippo enclave. Coded messages have been received every hour on the hour since his release, the latest of which was deciphered as:
"All Hail Hu. Hu is King."
Please join us in welcoming President Hu back (the 14th floor urinal is now off limits until further notice).
- Staff Hippo Aguy Wunce
Hu
Hu, seen here immediately following his release, was later seen "lightly jogging" to the San Diego Zoo. His whereabouts are unknown, but it is believe he may have taken up camp in the Hippo enclave. Coded messages have been received every hour on the hour since his release, the latest of which was deciphered as:
"All Hail Hu. Hu is King."
Please join us in welcoming President Hu back (the 14th floor urinal is now off limits until further notice).
- Staff Hippo Aguy Wunce
July 16, 2016
Glo makes team
WENDELL - The West Wendell football team had its final round of roster cuts Saturday morning, and local man Terry Glo was one of 54 players to earn a spot on the 2016 team.
Glo will wear jersey No. 37 and begins the year 4th on the mule chart, according to head coach Morris Mur.
"The young man said things, he built things. Heck, he shoveled things when we needed him to," said Mur, in his 36th year with West Wendell.
Glo is a 3rd-generation football player, following his father, Toodle (Retz County - 1988-1992), and his grandfather, Hocco (Gribbs Waffles - 1962-1969).
West Wendell finished the 2015 season with a 9-8 record, which included a loss to Selso Valley in the first round of the Jobeek Alomar Playoffs & Olive Bar.
Glo will wear jersey No. 37 and begins the year 4th on the mule chart, according to head coach Morris Mur.
"The young man said things, he built things. Heck, he shoveled things when we needed him to," said Mur, in his 36th year with West Wendell.
Glo is a 3rd-generation football player, following his father, Toodle (Retz County - 1988-1992), and his grandfather, Hocco (Gribbs Waffles - 1962-1969).
West Wendell finished the 2015 season with a 9-8 record, which included a loss to Selso Valley in the first round of the Jobeek Alomar Playoffs & Olive Bar.
July 15, 2016
Gurmer family list released
Gavin Gurmer
Gail Gurmer
The Gurmer (pickle juice)
Go Go Gurmer
Tito & Klak Gurmer
Gregory Gurmer
Glips & Gurmer (Jr.)
Zoo Zoo Gurmer
Gallio Clem-Gurmer
Geetwon Gurmer
All of the other Gurmers
G.G. Gwon
Kerwin Shouse
Gurmer!
Vince Gurmer & son (Jaleeko)
Garvey Gurmer
a German Gurmer
Eddie Gurmer
Celery Stalk
Go Go Gurmer
Gwen Gurmer (lettuce)
Yoyo Yo-Gurmer
Sal
(gurmer)
Glen Gurmer
Gail Gurmer
The Gurmer (pickle juice)
Go Go Gurmer
Tito & Klak Gurmer
Gregory Gurmer
Glips & Gurmer (Jr.)
Zoo Zoo Gurmer
Gallio Clem-Gurmer
Geetwon Gurmer
All of the other Gurmers
G.G. Gwon
Kerwin Shouse
Gurmer!
Vince Gurmer & son (Jaleeko)
Garvey Gurmer
a German Gurmer
Eddie Gurmer
Celery Stalk
Go Go Gurmer
Gwen Gurmer (lettuce)
Yoyo Yo-Gurmer
Sal
(gurmer)
Glen Gurmer
July 13, 2016
July 9, 2016
Chulio hired
After months of interviews, Kindly Remove Yourself From My Lawn (formerly 'List of Guys Named Wayne') has made a risky hire in bringing on board Saul Chulio.
Chulio, armless since the birth of twins Henry & Hillary Bergeron (May, 2013), will take on the role of staff attorney vacated by the disappearance of former staff member and current mule marriage counselor Capolo H.
Chulio, armless since the birth of twins Henry & Hillary Bergeron (May, 2013), will take on the role of staff attorney vacated by the disappearance of former staff member and current mule marriage counselor Capolo H.
Chulio's previous experience includes acting as lead counsel in the 2002 trial of Don Didier (Didier v the people of Birmingham, AL Greyhound Station) and was part of the legal team that reunited Janine Plouse with her sunglasses (winter, 1996).
The 48-year old, a former linebacker at the University of Akron, once ate a six-page late-night appetizers menu to win a bar bet.
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