**BREAKING** Rico Yetz Offed

Riconovitch Yetz Sr., referred to a "The Blimp" by those close to him and those he has murdered, was found assassinated today under a tree in Xomcheese Grove.

Yetz (DEAD)

Initial findings indicate involvement by the Fwimpley Crime Family (FCF), as their trademark move, the "nose removal," was present. Dr. Yetz's remains had been released from the grasp of their murderous nose, Steve.

"Intial indication leads us to believe this is a textbook Fwimpley assassination. My bet is Treesack's prints are all over this crime scene." - Federal Investigator Warren Fu

Riconovitch Yetz Sr., or "Rico," was beloved by many for his lack of a torso and/or a forehead. He had made friends "on many planets," and was once referred to by President Lincoln as "hero of the earth."

The services for Mr. Yetz will be held in Herman Boomf's basement next Tuesday evening at 7 PM EST.

- Staff Idiot Roberto Feathers

The Yetz & Fwimpley families: full lists

The Yetz family

Rico Yetz Sr.

Hobbo Yetz
N'Quan Yetz
Faceknuckle Yetz
Grampa Earl Yetz
Ho-ho-he Yetz
Sandra-Ben Yetz
Cloy Yetz Jr. and his sandwich, Iris
The Yetz
Wee-Bom Yetz III
Kurf Asshirmin-Yetz
Mirk Riso-Yetz
Carl "The Pope" Yetz
Ibbis Yetz
Orlando Magic Yetz IV
Mikey!
John Johnson

The Fwimpley family

Peter Fwimpley

Freddy Fwimpley
Trevvy-Trev Fwimpley
Forest Fwimpley III
Wanda Fwimpley
Treesack Fwimpley
Ed
Yetz Fwimpley
Fern Fwimpley-Callagher
Kosh Salmanzinzar
Undies Fwimpley
Chickensausage Fwimpley
Xylophone Fwimpley
Darnell Fwimpley
"Fwimpley"
Janet Fwimpley
Moi-Shee-Hwan Fwimpley
Egg Fwimpley
Erm Fwimpley-Ossining
Paper Cut Fwimpley ("The Nose")


- Source: Edinson Crugg Archives

Ainsworth '15

Ayshin Ainsworth, longtime Werner "supporter", has decided to "take the case" and represent "Wally Werner" in his upcoming kidnapping/off-Broadway debut.

The Ainsworth and Werner families go all the way back to the mid-2000s when N'Harvey & Claire-Poe Ainsworth founded the Werner Foundation, which was then dedicated to bringing Werners and Werner-related mashed potato sculptures to the United States inside the tube socks of Vince Vinachenzio.

The foundation was "re-branded" as C.C.A.R.P. (Corn on the Cob Association for Retired Persons) in March, 2013, and since has reunited over 25 sunflower seed shells with their sunflower seeds.

Ainsworth's lawyer, Vanderells Kwon, released a statement:

"This is the statement that we have released," said Kwon.

Wally Werner: Located

Initial reports coming out of Hong Kong have enthusiasts hopeful that Wally Werner, once famous aardvark enthusiast, has at long last been located after decades of despair.

WARNING: PHOTO CONTAINS GRAPHIC IMAGES


Photo (Click for Larger View)

The photo, taken by innocent bystander Saul Fotto, is believed to show Werner navigating the treacherous streets of Cleveland, Ohio. Lead investigator Don Didier believes this to be the conclusive evidence he has been seeking since the Werner Explosions of 1906.

"We believe this proves that Walter Egnacio Werner is, in fact, alive and well - despite reports to the contrary. An APB has been released for the capture and kill of Mr. Werner, effective yesterday at 6 PM EST."

In other, somewhat shocking news, an alien aircraft appears to have crashed on the west side of Cleveland. Further developments will be shared as they become available.

- Staff Idiot Bobby Derwood

2015 Oscar Rainbow "Yankee Milestones" Revealed

As per the rule book, Oscar Rainbow has released his 2015 Yearly Yankee Milestones. In accordance with tradition, we will separate the milestones into a "Positive" and "Negative" category. Let's begin!

"Positive"

Yankees break 90 wins - Rainbow performs the "Nude Truffle Shuffle" at Rainbow Amphitheater

Yankees break 95 wins - Rainbow takes his shotgun "out of storage," assassinates his Mule, Maurice, as sacrifice

Yankees break 100 wins - Rainbow runs for, and is elected, President of the United States

Yankees break 110 wins - Rainbow flies to Cuba, jumps out of plane nude, perishes upon landing

Steven Drew hits over .250 - Rainbow bombs Egypt

"Negative" 

Yankees lose 80 games - Rainbow runs screaming into a brick wall, falls into coma for just north of a week

Yankees lose 90 games - Rainbow attempts to hang himself, only to fail and be found 4 weeks later hungry and covered in his own fecal

Yankees lose 100 games - Rainbow covers himself in "C4" explosives, takes out Phillips Arena

Yankees lose 110 games - Rainbow boards Xomcheese Space Ship Q9, flies to the moon, takes his own life

Staff Correspondent Warren Fu

Maglio passes; Lump committe formed

A true hero in every sense of the word (in) passed away earlier today. Joseeph "Joey" Maglioso died of pen cap overdose in his home in the Northwest corner of the basement inside Hanley Clemente's home.

Maglioso, who went by "Joe Maglio" for years while traveling with the Wentworth Family Circus & Ripped Notebook Paper Sympathizers, was beloved by millions and perhaps even hundreds. Maglio, 61.7 at the time of his departure, left four drawings of roast beef sandwiches on graph paper.

Lump committee formed

The Committee That Knows What Happened to Warren Lump (R.W.C.) has formed in response to Maglioso's death. The committee will now meet each Thursday to discuss Warren Lump-related matters, including:

1. Where is Warren Lump?
2. Lump's best friend, raisin
3. The Lumps tribute song - Baked Maglio
4. Warren Lump Pastries LLC

The committee:

Chairman: Fofo Foffawitz
CEO: Fofo Foffawitz-Calhoun Jr.
Secretary: Eddie Pock Sr.
VP: Yasmine Pennypoo
Associate VP: Perry Woddles
Banana Curator: Paul Wiggums
Notes: Igloo Sherman
Catering: Darren Durly
IT Support: Guido Castellana
Private Investigations: Lyle Zump

Chief of Urinal Fire Incidents: O-ho Oh

- Dominic Domdimmoggio contributed to this story

The Hurley family

Full Hurley family registry

D'Darren Hurley (human)
Qweeshon Hurley (telephoneboothman)
Humberto Hurley (87% human, 13% mule ear)
Horatio Hurley Jr. (human)
Hemmish Hurley (living room couch)
Dwayne Hurley (72% salamander, 9% Stan Van Gundy, 19% xylophone)
Hal Hurley (sidewalk chalk)
Beverly Hurley (56% human, 44% parking meter)
Gwen Hurley-Messersmith (Darrendurly)
Xavier Hurley (possum)
Henry Hurley (human)
Janice Hurley (66% swordfish, 27% buffalo foot, 7% desk chair)
Kyle Hurley (taco shell)
Harvey Hurley (human)
Herman Hurley (octopus illustration)
Ulysses Hurley (patio furniture)
Horace Hurley (32% ghost of Kevin Curly, 68% candlewax)
Veronica Hurley (human)
Lyle Hurley (97% copy machine, 3% coffee beans)
Hank Hurley (fire ant)

"Comments", by Ed Xomcheese

Quarterfinals - Ugly Football Coach Bracket

1 O'Leary, George
                          Thursday, December 18th - The Thunderdome!
8 Johnson, Paul

Recap: Tip off at the Thunderdome was scheduled for 7 PM EST, but instead occurred around 4:32 AM this morning as both participants showed up at the dome in their underwear demanding the referees perform a jump ball. O'Leary, upon losing the jump ball to Johnson, pulled a .45 Magnum out of his undies and murdered Johnson as well as all referees and scorekeepers present, proclaiming himself the winner. He celebrated on the court by performing the macarena dance and drooling maniacally all over his chest hair before exiting the arena to the theme song of "Rocky."

2 Holtz, Louis
                         Thursday, December 18th - Rainbow Facility for Idiots!
7 Weis, Charles

Recap: Rainbow Facility for Idiots was packed to the brim, with a sold out crowd of over 99,000. Holtz chose to enter riding his favorite pig, Francis, while Weis was carried in by 17 friends and family while eating a turkey leg. Holtz won the jump ball and immediately fell down. An accident on the floor by Holtz led to a 15 minute delay for clean up, and the game was resumed. Late in the 4th quarter, with the score tied 0-0, Weis finally finished his turkey leg and threw the bone at Holtz, who was attempting a layup from his wheel chair. Holtz screamed "communism!" and Weis ran down the court, ate Holtz, and scored the winning basket with 1 second left on the clock.

Coming Tomorrow:

4 Mangino, Mark
                          Friday, December 19th - Metlife Stadium!
5 Pelini, Boseph


3 Freidgen, Ralph
                          Friday, December 19th - The Georgia Dome!
6 Beamer, Franklin

Ugly Football Coach Initial Bracket Released

1 O'Leary, George
                          Thursday, December 18th - The Thunderdome!
8 Johnson, Paul




4 Mangino, Mark
                          Friday, December 19th - Metlife Stadium!
5 Pelini, Boseph




3 Freidgen, Ralph
                          Friday, December 19th - The Georgia Dome!
6 Beamer, Franklin




2 Holtz, Louis
                         Thursday, December 18th - Rainbow Facility for Idiots!
7 Weis, Charles

Durmont hired

In local Durmont news, Dwayne Dudley "Darren" Durmont has been hired as staff Durmont, pending the results of the 52-year old's elbow removal surgery.

"If it's a clean shaving of the elbows, he's hired. No questions asked. But if it takes us bringing in extra people, who have to be paid overtime and have to be given room and boar, then that's an entirely different discussion we're going to have. This was also an entirely different discussion we had. I'm going to jot that down in my discussion book."

- Anonymous

Durmont's career goes back to the late-1970s when he was 2nd-chair tuba in the Clarkston Dwayneharmonic. After being tried and convicted of smuggling doughnuts into the United States in his tuba (Durmont Dmuggles Doughnuts - San Paneeko Times, October, 1981), Durmont was sentenced to 25 years with lice underneath the dining room table of Carl and Maryjo Zimmerman.

  
Durmont in happier times (Staff photo: Jo hee-jo Pong)


Upon his release in January, 2007, Durmont began searching for Jesus, but has yet to Find him.

"I did find him," Durmont said later in 2007, while pointing to a man later identified as Herman Waxler.

Durmont's pet salamander, Linda Bakersfield, will not be joining the staff, as had been previously reported.

"Forgotten 7" found

Michael Vick: "I wasn't Prepared"

Michael Vick was not "prepared" to come in against the Chargers last week. Things Michael Vick was preparing for:

- Apple Picking Contest - Arddsale, Virginia
- Last night's burrito "fighting back" in stall 4c - Jets Locker Room
- Political Debate - Foreign Relations - Section 213
- "Dancing with the Stars" - Scheduled viewing of Tuesday night's re-run
- Impromptu sideline breakdancing tournament - double elimination
- Scheduled feeding of his pet walrus, Walt - 4:30 PM EST
- Urinating on the fan in Section 114, Row B, Seat 9 - "Religious"
- Trying on mother's maternity pants, "as discussed"
- RBI Baseball Tournament - "It's New York's Turn"
- Early morning bagel preparation - need to be IN BED by 3:30 PM EST
- Rex Ryan Neck Massage - Between Third and Fourth Quarter

And Finally....

- Potential Cheetah Invasion

- Staff moron Oscar Q. Rainbow

Ronnie Machine Located

"The Ronnie Family has Arrived." - Ronald Ronnie, Sr.

That was the announcement made by President Ronnie upon his arrival at Hartsfield Jackson Airport just moments ago. Details were not offered, but the Atlanta Police Department did offer this juicy tidbit:

"The Ronnie Family is here." - Chief of Police Elevator Ploop Jr. 

Be on high alert. The Ronnie's are internationally renowned "smack" smugglers and are also wanted for several Yahtzee scam operations. 

- Staff President Wilbur Wen

Quote of the Day - Toronto Maple Leafs President Brendan Shanahan

"The puck is something we need to possess more."

- Brendan Shanahan