Marvin Piso Interview

The following is a transcript of editor Oscar Rainbow's interview with famed goldfish whisperer Marvin Piso.


marvin.piso: hello
rainbow: marvin, nice to hear from you. we were supposed to interview for this position on two other occasions, but instead, there were unfortunate incidents
marvin.piso: well, the first one was out of my control, you know that harry. the second one, yes, i should have worn underpants
rainbow: don't call me harry, and you should have, yes. but that's in the past. just a few minutes ago, sure, but still-in the past. let's start the interview
marvin.piso: fine, let's start the interview
rainbow: first, drop the attitude off at Attitudetown
marvin.piso: I don't know where that is
rainbow: it's over there. population: you and a guy named tony
marvin.piso: fine, can we begin please?
rainbow: we can. what is your work experience, glenn? is it ok if i call you glenn?
marvin.piso: no, it is certainly not ok. my name is marvin, and what position am i interviewing for?
rainbow: the only position we have available is Staff Avocado
marvin.piso: fine
rainbow: you're the ideal candidate
marvin.piso: ate an avocado in '88, threw it up
rainbow: ok, great, then what happened?
marvin.piso: nothing, move on quickly
rainbow: well, if you're going to take the staff avocado position, we're going to need you to be here bright and early every morning for hair and makeup
marvin.piso: hair and makeup?
rainbow: it's going to take a real commitment from you and your family. it's all in the introduction packet
marvin.piso: dont involve Gary Jr. in this discussion. and there was no packet
rainbow: there will be a packet. Gary Jr.? is that your son?
marvin.piso: he lives with me, yes
rainbow: ok, well this is awkward. we can't hire anyone with a relative named Gary. so either change his name or get rid of him
marvin.piso: he isn't a relative, he cleans my feet
rainbow: no relation? fine. we have a foot cleaner on staff, so, no problem there
marvin.piso: great. move on
rainbow: stop telling me to move on, that should be first on your list.
marvin piso: i don't have a list.
rainbow: make a list.
marvin piso: done.
rainbow: second on the list: take off my pants and put on your own pants
marvin piso: i'm sorry, i can't do that. do you have any education?
rainbow: 1991-2008 attended Stanford. was shot in the right shoulder with a bow and arrow, may, 2008. never heard from again
marvin.piso: great. any experience?
rainbow: experience with what? a bow and arrow?
marvin.piso: with being a staff avocado, this is an interview
rainbow: i understand that. i was staff avocado for influential blogs throughout the decade of the 1990s
marvin.piso: wait, you are supposed to be interviewing me, harry
rainbow: you know what, you may be on to something
marvin.piso: oh, I'm on to something alright
rainbow: well, should you be the staff avocado or should i?
marvin.piso: i'm not following
rainbow: the staff avocado position, should we avocado, asparagus, scissors for it? note: i always pick asparagus
marvin.piso: HARRY! GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!
rainbow: who is Harry? because it isn't me
marvin.piso: who are you?
rainbow: you've been calling me Harry for years and i'm tired of it
marvin.piso: i was told you were harry by a guy named harry
rainbow: i'm marvin piso, aren't i?
marvin.piso: no thats me
rainbow: ok, well i need to take a minute, check the inside of my undershirt
marvin.piso: go in the corner, Burt and take a deep breath
rainbow: i don't take deep breaths. that's illegal in my country
marvin.piso: what country would that be
rainbow: i'm not going to answer that question in this economy. let's continue with the interview please. any fast food experience?
marvin.piso: Subway. sandwich engineer from 1997-1997
rainbow: so, 1997? the word "engineer" isn't necessary, obviously. you made sandwiches
marvin.piso: SANDWICH ENGINEER
rainbow: back off capital letter avenue, and take a stroll down lower case lane
marvin.piso: ill disregard that last sentence. so, yes, in 1997 I worked there
rainbow: and you got fired i'm assuming? how did it happen?
marvin.piso: well, lets just say I had a no oswald policy and an oswald walked in
rainbow: i understand. well, marvin, you're not hired. i'm terribly sorry. please leave your galoshes and mayo hose at the front door and get at least 1,000 feet away from the headquarters building immediately
marvin.piso: i'm not at headquarters, i'm there.
rainbow: perfect, stay there.
marvin.piso: fine. i hope you understand that based on this interview we could never hire you.
rainbow: i accept your decision, now please, can you get down from my shoulders?

Febber Brumm Killed

Another casualty of the Brumm-Pococcio conflict has been reported as Col. Febber Brumm was assassinated by his own troops near Glenn Pond. This puts the Brumm coalition, already weakened by recent deaths and a asparagus epidemic, at a disadvantage with the Battle of Didier's Nostril & the Conflict On Joelson Meadows upcoming.


- War correspondent Vin Plu

Clintman Eaten

Sad news this evening as early reports indicate former Staff Clint Clint Clintman has been eaten by a stapler. Clintman made national headlines in the early-1990s when he successfully lobbied to have all of the wheat bread removed from his hometown of Farber, WJ, and was brought to the Jerk to change the clint culture.

It is believed that editor Capolo ordered the 8th floor blue stapler to eat Clintman after a statement by Capolo was leaked to local television station WHEY-7:

"I've had enough of Clint Clintman. He stole my asparagus."

Funeral services were scheduled for Friday, but were quickly canceled due to lack of ketchup.

First Bogoba Hired

Venton Bogoba, a member of the prominent Bogoba family, has been hired as staff waver. Bogoba will be responsible for waving at passing motorists, floral arrangements and new staff banister, Don Menkley.

The Bogoba File

Age: N/A
Family: pine cone (Dwayne), marble (Betsy), daughter (Pinecone)
Military history:

1984-1986: soldier in the War of Many Salads. Wounded by cabbage schrapnel and received honorable discharge in May, 1986.

1988: captain of the 7th infantry in Pinch War of '88. Had eleven pinches in Mexico City (June, 1988)

1996-2006: lieutenant in United States giant ear core. Fought in several conflicts, including the Battle to Maintain Paul Paulfield's Hairpiece and the Asparagus Misunderstandings of '03. Retired from military service in December, 2006.

Work experience:

1972-1975: Salesman at Hank's Bait & Tackle Shop. Fired, January, 1975 for improper use of a dip bait.
1976-1977: Agent for child star Casey Iris. Fired and briefly imprisoned in November, 1977 for theft of sneakers.
1979-1982: Revising resume
1983: Power forward for the Richburg Torpedos basketball team. Released in February, 1983 after contract dispute/alleged referee kidnapping.