William Bill: DEAD

William Bill, part-time Staff Snow Blower, part-time hated moron, has been attacked and subsequently murdered by a giant, fuzzy letter R that was passing by headquarters.

Bill (Dead)


Before the R had a chance to jog off and continue his day, staff correspondent Fritz Zonkway was able to get a statement:

"I saw Bill outside minding my business while relieving himself on a small cat and decided to murder him. I'll be on my way now."

The Giant, Fuzzy letter R is believed to be on his way to a pro-Pococcio rally being held at Capolo Hall later this afternoon.

- Staff Correspondent Fritz Zonkway

Febber Brumm Killed

Another casualty of the Brumm-Pococcio conflict has been reported as Col. Febber Brumm was assassinated by his own troops near Glenn Pond. This puts the Brumm coalition, already weakened by recent deaths and a asparagus epidemic, at a disadvantage with the Battle of Didier's Nostril & the Conflict On Joelson Meadows upcoming.


- War correspondent Vin Plu

Chotchke Killed In Crossfire

Piso Mountain, HJ - Former staff correspondent Woody Chotchke was killed Saturday morning by crossfire on the northwest side of Piso Mountain during stage 17 of the Brumm-Pococcio War. Chotchke was interviewing Private Elbert Pococcio when a stray can of tuna fish struck Chotchke on the head and killed him instantly. Then Chotchke briefly came back to life, but died again a few seconds later.

Funeral services were held at Ruso Bar & Pub, right before trivia Saturday.

Pococcios Elect New King

An unprecedented event occurred Wednesday on the front lines of the Brumm-Pococcio war. According to an onion bagel with knowledge of the situation, during the Battle of Piso Lake, a conflict that has already caused dozens of frowns, the Pococcio family elected Ritz Pococcio as their new king.


Ritz Pococcio (photo taken May, 2004)


It remains to be seen how this election will affect the final stages of the Piso Lake conflict or the upcoming Battle at Noo Hill. The Brumms declined comment.

Brumms Fire Back, Aroldis Pococcio Assassinated

FRONT LINES, IL, 5:27 p.m. - After the Pococcio's officially declared war on the Brumms with the swallowing/expulsion of Archibald Brumm, the Brumm family retaliated Monday evening. Aroldis Pococcio, longtime pigeon be-bop artist and "pastrami man" was assassinated near his mailbox when a Brumm plane dropped a mayonnaise bomb on Pococcio's head, killing him instantly.

Brumm family spokeswoman Veronica Crugg released a statement:

"The Brumms accept the Pococcio's declaration of war and they have responded with vinegar."


- War correspondent Kirk Anshelman


** Death count for the Brumm-Pococcio conflict: 2 **

Pococcios Strike First, Archibald Brumm Dead

The Brumm/Pococcio War has officially begun, with the Pococcio Clan striking first. Archibald Brumm is dead, swallowed whole by Otis Pococcio, Staff Oyster/Brumm Hater.

Archie Brumm (Dead)


Archibald W. Brumm was a respected member of society, and will be missed by a few. He was swim coach at Fimply High for over 4 decades, training elite athletes such as Elbridge Gary and Popo Qwimm.

While it is not yet known how and where Otis performed the act, it is believed that Brumm was swallowed alive, then perished in Mr. Pococcios innards before being "released" in the 56th floor restroom stall sometime late last evening. His remains are now part of the Qwogg City sewer system.

Expect retaliation from the Brumms, and quickly.

- Staff War Correspondent Wood Chotch

New Brumm Hates Pococcios; War Imminent

Budford "Buddy" Brumm has been hired as Pool Cue, replacing the recently-deceased Fhelt Ames at one of Jerk's highest-ranking positions. Brumm was also brought on to add some muscle to the Brumm side of the impending war with the Pococcios.

Budford Brumm



Age: N/A
Enemies: Pococcios; back-talking door-to-door yogurt salesmen
Career kills: 17
Education: Stood on the lawn at Klauzenrodner University (March, 1996)
Personal slogan: "I'll butter my own helmet, thank you very much."

Pococcio Family "Making Noise"

The Pococcio family has struck again, adding Otis Pococcio to the staff for the second Pococcio hire in less than a week. Otis will take on the role of Staff Oyster, effective immediately.


Pococcio


Otis Pococcio, who is the grandson of the recently hired HP Pococcio, is also an avid Brumm hater. "I kill Brumms - on sight."

With the Pococcios on staff now numbering two, you can expect a full blown Pococcio revolution soon.

- Woodbert Chotchke

Pococcio Family Finally Here, Will Challenge Glenn

The founder of the Pococcio family, Herbert Peter (HP) Pococcio, is finally here. Pococcio was not hired, but forced his way onto staff as Staff Brumm Assassin.

HP Pococcio



The Pococcio family has been widely believed to be involved in organized crime for over a century now, dating back to the late 1800's when Rudolf Pococcio ruled the streets of Iowa. Some 120 years later, HP is planning on making his presence known, and has chosen The Jerk as his outlet.

"I'm here to eliminate Brumm's and take out Glenn," he said. "Then, to rule the galaxy."

Expect more Pococcio's in the near future, as a Pococcio machine is believed to have been built somewhere in southern Europe.

- Staff Pococcio Correspondent Woodmond H. Chotchkeson