August 29, 2013
August 26, 2013
Cast list announced
The cast has been announced for the upcoming production of the Jo he jo Pong production of Salami Sandwich For Irene:
Patty Fonchonski-Cronin as dining room table leg 3
Terry Durly as rye bread whisperer
Miles'Kwan Derner as himself
Abraham Claize as the singing shampoo bottle of hope
Coco Pwa as Ross Oberman/Vinny Oberman
Pierre Chi as Coach Russo
Dandridge Leaf as ghost of the spicy mustard
Himself as Bobby Badinsky, snowflake super agent
Potato as Lyle Durly
Capolo Henderson as Right Turn Randy
Carpet sample as itself
Carla Trimm as melting candle wax
Ahmah-Ahemeel Barooh as bag of sawdust
The Ronaldos as themselves
Mick Drysdale as Pointing Steve
Linette Cork as goldfish 5
Baxter O'Shallashaster as Senator Feathers/communal microwave
Salami Sandwich For Irene at the Delmonico Playhouse August 27-September 8
Patty Fonchonski-Cronin as dining room table leg 3
Terry Durly as rye bread whisperer
Miles'Kwan Derner as himself
Abraham Claize as the singing shampoo bottle of hope
Coco Pwa as Ross Oberman/Vinny Oberman
Pierre Chi as Coach Russo
Dandridge Leaf as ghost of the spicy mustard
Himself as Bobby Badinsky, snowflake super agent
Potato as Lyle Durly
Capolo Henderson as Right Turn Randy
Carpet sample as itself
Carla Trimm as melting candle wax
Ahmah-Ahemeel Barooh as bag of sawdust
The Ronaldos as themselves
Mick Drysdale as Pointing Steve
Linette Cork as goldfish 5
Baxter O'Shallashaster as Senator Feathers/communal microwave
Salami Sandwich For Irene at the Delmonico Playhouse August 27-September 8
August 22, 2013
Bad News out of Minnesota
Bad news out of Rainbow, Minnesota today as long time otter priest Norman Plum was announced dead "at the scene."
No details were given.
RIP Norman Plum: 1902-1997
No details were given.
RIP Norman Plum: 1902-1997
August 10, 2013
August 5, 2013
Zinn Newspapers "Around the Globe"
"The New York Zinn"
"The Zinnquirer"
"Hot off the Zinn"
"The Daily Zinn"
"The Zinn Bugle"
"The Cleveland Zinnstitution"
"Zinn in Seattle"
"Francois Zinne"
"Zinn Illustrated"
"The Zinn Street Journal"
"The Zinnquirer"
"Hot off the Zinn"
"The Daily Zinn"
"The Zinn Bugle"
"The Cleveland Zinnstitution"
"Zinn in Seattle"
"Francois Zinne"
"Zinn Illustrated"
"The Zinn Street Journal"
July 26, 2013
Nindigo Missing
Sad news from Jerk headquarters as staff pork chop Hesop Nindigo has been reported missing.
Nindigo, part of the famous Flying Nindigo Traveling All Stars & Pudding Samplers of the late-1980s, was last seen conversing with McQweese Lood in the 37th floor conference room. Lood, who wished to remain nameless until he realized everyone knew his name, declined comment. He later changed his name to Troy Trundle and re-wished to remain nameless.
Nindigo's parents, Zaul & Colasmell, started a search part for their son Friday afternoon and will continue the search until at least 6:30 p.m.
"That's when Murray Pauvis is on the television," said Zaul. "We don't miss Murray Pauvis, I don't care who has gone missing and allegedly been eaten by a crow."
It's been a difficult year at the Jerk as thousands of staff members and inanimate objects have gone missing. Here are the five most important, compiled by Poog Cronin Magazine For Kids:
5. Agnes Otto (June 6)
4. Packet of mustard (January 11)
3. Ronnie Puddlekick (July 9)
2. Sergei Korcheenov (February 6 & February 19)
1. Mosef Zubique (January 22)
Nindigo, part of the famous Flying Nindigo Traveling All Stars & Pudding Samplers of the late-1980s, was last seen conversing with McQweese Lood in the 37th floor conference room. Lood, who wished to remain nameless until he realized everyone knew his name, declined comment. He later changed his name to Troy Trundle and re-wished to remain nameless.
Nindigo's parents, Zaul & Colasmell, started a search part for their son Friday afternoon and will continue the search until at least 6:30 p.m.
"That's when Murray Pauvis is on the television," said Zaul. "We don't miss Murray Pauvis, I don't care who has gone missing and allegedly been eaten by a crow."
It's been a difficult year at the Jerk as thousands of staff members and inanimate objects have gone missing. Here are the five most important, compiled by Poog Cronin Magazine For Kids:
5. Agnes Otto (June 6)
4. Packet of mustard (January 11)
3. Ronnie Puddlekick (July 9)
2. Sergei Korcheenov (February 6 & February 19)
1. Mosef Zubique (January 22)
July 19, 2013
New football league announces 12 franchises
The N.F.L.H.W.A. (National Football League of Humans
& Wild Animals), a semi-pro league set to begin its inaugural season
in September, 2014, announced its 12 franchises Friday morning.
Team - head coach
Roswell Backwoods Fontes - Wayne Fontes
Slosh Valley Vulchers - Gafreda Goizwetta
Clarkston Cornchipmassagers - Wadesworth Chinn
Brunson Bluejays - Peebo Forehead
Hoohoo Huevos - Juan-Carlos Mejiasuevo
Bergeron Lunchpointers - Poog Cronin
Angelo Tweezershines - Lyle Zeoil
The Walrusfrowns - Petey Pershack
Bumperchurch IV - Reverend Donnie Craig
The Salamanders - Earless Pete
Selwich Carrottossers - Nat McKinley
The Celeryfingers - Paco
Team - head coach
Roswell Backwoods Fontes - Wayne Fontes
Slosh Valley Vulchers - Gafreda Goizwetta
Clarkston Cornchipmassagers - Wadesworth Chinn
Brunson Bluejays - Peebo Forehead
Hoohoo Huevos - Juan-Carlos Mejiasuevo
Bergeron Lunchpointers - Poog Cronin
Angelo Tweezershines - Lyle Zeoil
The Walrusfrowns - Petey Pershack
Bumperchurch IV - Reverend Donnie Craig
The Salamanders - Earless Pete
Selwich Carrottossers - Nat McKinley
The Celeryfingers - Paco
July 14, 2013
Sal Cheeserug, great Taxidermist, Announced Deceased
Salvatore "Shitknuckle" Cheeserug, world renowned for his taxidermy and black market underwear dealings, has been found deceased at his home atop Feathers Hill.
Cheeserug
Cheeserug Bio
Name: Salvatorio Bocockio Smith-Cheeserug
DOB: 1/1/1938
Height: 6'6"
Weight: 963 lbs
Genitals: N/A
Partner: Alvin Hookmaster - Deceased, August, 1987 (cheetah)
Walrus: Henry (Hank)
Quotes: "Once a salamander, always a salamander" "Who's Dom Xomcheese?" "A man removed is a man scorned." "RIP Doogie Henrikson Jr."
Cheeserug, who once swallowed a rhinoceros whole, is believed to have been suffocated to death by and unknown subject (unsub). The murder weapon, Harold, has been brought into HQ for questioning but is claming the 17th amendment.
Anyone with information on the assailant is encouraged to contact Detective Queck Rainbow at 1-999-donkey. Rewards will be considered (otter)
- Cheeserug Hamilton
Cheeserug
Cheeserug Bio
Name: Salvatorio Bocockio Smith-Cheeserug
DOB: 1/1/1938
Height: 6'6"
Weight: 963 lbs
Genitals: N/A
Partner: Alvin Hookmaster - Deceased, August, 1987 (cheetah)
Walrus: Henry (Hank)
Quotes: "Once a salamander, always a salamander" "Who's Dom Xomcheese?" "A man removed is a man scorned." "RIP Doogie Henrikson Jr."
Cheeserug, who once swallowed a rhinoceros whole, is believed to have been suffocated to death by and unknown subject (unsub). The murder weapon, Harold, has been brought into HQ for questioning but is claming the 17th amendment.
Anyone with information on the assailant is encouraged to contact Detective Queck Rainbow at 1-999-donkey. Rewards will be considered (otter)
- Cheeserug Hamilton
July 1, 2013
Balool's Nose Terrorizes City, Hundreds Reduced To Hiccuping
Maurice Balool's nose is in the midst of a rampage through the streets of Clubbner City, according to staff correspondent Lazlo Bergeron.
Residents of the quiet town, which is known for having the world's largest soy sauce pool (Nunce Valley Times - February, 2007), have been driven from their homes and into the Hiccup Pits where more than three dozen cases of hiccups have been reported.
Balool, 47 in earth years and munstercheese-9 in planet Balool years, was one of several Balools to migrate to planet Earth after the pillow feather storms of 1982 nearly destroyed his home planet. His nose was ranked as the 7th-largest in the modern era, passing several notable sneezers/nostril models, including Harvey Minkus.
Balool (Staff photo by Pappamichael Zinn-Brignac)
Other Balools are expected to join Maurice on the family's Rampage Tour 2013, including Flonn Balool, Jeremiah Balool, Donnie "Peeps" Balool, the folk music group Muddy Sarah Balool, Greg Balool, Reverend Mush Face Balool, Maurice Balool Sr., Patty Balool and her parakeet, Ingrid Balool Jr., and Ulysses Balool.
Residents of the quiet town, which is known for having the world's largest soy sauce pool (Nunce Valley Times - February, 2007), have been driven from their homes and into the Hiccup Pits where more than three dozen cases of hiccups have been reported.
Balool, 47 in earth years and munstercheese-9 in planet Balool years, was one of several Balools to migrate to planet Earth after the pillow feather storms of 1982 nearly destroyed his home planet. His nose was ranked as the 7th-largest in the modern era, passing several notable sneezers/nostril models, including Harvey Minkus.
Balool (Staff photo by Pappamichael Zinn-Brignac)
Other Balools are expected to join Maurice on the family's Rampage Tour 2013, including Flonn Balool, Jeremiah Balool, Donnie "Peeps" Balool, the folk music group Muddy Sarah Balool, Greg Balool, Reverend Mush Face Balool, Maurice Balool Sr., Patty Balool and her parakeet, Ingrid Balool Jr., and Ulysses Balool.
BIRD BREACH - PLEASE REMAIN CALM
Larry Bird has been spotted in the conservatory on the 701st floor at HQ.
Bird
.JPG)
While Mr. Bird seems to be calm and stable mentally, it is believed that he is armed with a ".45 glock" and should be considered extremely dangerous.
Bird's nose, Henderson, is believed to be relieving himself in the east wing restroom.
The Larry Bird Alarm has been "rung" and the evacuation has begun. DO NOT attempt to confront Lawrence Bird at any time. The sight of Mr. Bird can leave one paralyzed, which then leads to the famous "Bird Gaze" from Bird which can turn one to mayonnaise.
The Bird Police will be on site shortly with the spaceman suits and atomic bombs.
- Management
Bird
.JPG)
While Mr. Bird seems to be calm and stable mentally, it is believed that he is armed with a ".45 glock" and should be considered extremely dangerous.
Bird's nose, Henderson, is believed to be relieving himself in the east wing restroom.
The Larry Bird Alarm has been "rung" and the evacuation has begun. DO NOT attempt to confront Lawrence Bird at any time. The sight of Mr. Bird can leave one paralyzed, which then leads to the famous "Bird Gaze" from Bird which can turn one to mayonnaise.
The Bird Police will be on site shortly with the spaceman suits and atomic bombs.
- Management
June 22, 2013
Missing Item Announcement
The employees of Hey Jerk are seeking assistance in finding an important missing item.
Last Tuesday at 7:52 AM, the yellow Colonel Mustard piece from the headquarters' Clue board game was declared missing.
The piece was last seen in the possession of Mrooble Fonchonski as he moved it to the board's "Conservatory" room.
"I can't imagine where it could be. The whole atmosphere around here has changed since we lost that Colonel Mustard piece," said distressed employee Nope Bradley. "It's like... you just don't know who you can trust anymore."
"I don't understand why someone would take THAT piece," Adande Sanchules was rumored saying. "Especially when the Mr. Green piece was right next to it!"
A reward of $752 is offered for the timely return of the item. Please contact The Jerk headquarters via telegram or morse code should you have any information on the disappearance.
Last Tuesday at 7:52 AM, the yellow Colonel Mustard piece from the headquarters' Clue board game was declared missing.
The piece was last seen in the possession of Mrooble Fonchonski as he moved it to the board's "Conservatory" room.
 |
| Clue Conservatory room where item was last seen |
"I can't imagine where it could be. The whole atmosphere around here has changed since we lost that Colonel Mustard piece," said distressed employee Nope Bradley. "It's like... you just don't know who you can trust anymore."
"I don't understand why someone would take THAT piece," Adande Sanchules was rumored saying. "Especially when the Mr. Green piece was right next to it!"
A reward of $752 is offered for the timely return of the item. Please contact The Jerk headquarters via telegram or morse code should you have any information on the disappearance.
June 21, 2013
Open Position: Paper Handler Intern
The Jerk is seeking a Paper Handler Intern to join an
already vibrant team at its company headquarters. If you enjoy looking at
paper, separating Post-It notes and standing near printers, then this may be
the position for you!
Requirements:
-
experience handling paper
-
ability to hand sheets and stacks (up to ten
individual sheets) of paper to others
-
basic paper folding and crumpling skills
-
familiarity with various types of paper -
tissue, office and cardboard
-
proven experience making marks on paper with a
writing utensil (pen or pencil preferred)
-
ability to lift up to 0.5 lbs of paper products
using no more than two hands
-
glue
Compensation:
The Jerk offers competitive compensation for the Paper
Handler Intern position. We are willing to go as high as one sliced pineapple (stem
included) per annum for the right candidate. While full benefits are not
included, we do have an excellent in-office dermatologist available for consults
between the hours of 10:32 - 10:47 AM in the janitor's closet.
Contact:
Like what you've read? Please contact HR director J.P.
Poppadopalis (include your resume and the resume of a past pet snail) prior to
2015 at j.popp@thejerkhr.com.
June 20, 2013
Feathers Contract Official
Bob Feathers has agreed to co-manage the St. Louis Cardinals later this month in a winner-take-Mort Binley RBI baseball tournament.
Feathers and Mark Ruso will manage the Cardinals, who last won an RBI title in the 40s.
Feathers and Mark Ruso will manage the Cardinals, who last won an RBI title in the 40s.
June 10, 2013
Poppings Family Arrives
"The Poppings Family! Now we can really get peanut butter sculptures completed."
- Bartolo Colon impersonator Edward Xomcheese
Fearing a possible Jeroo dynasty, the Poppings family (Ann Arbor, Michigan) have arrived at Jerk headquarters and immediately declared Horace on the Jeroos.
The battle is expected to begin in late-June with several thousand from both families participating in winner-take-Ernie racquet ball.
The Poppings
Lance Poppings
Ziizzo Poppings
Hillary Tomulkins-Poppings
"Pops" Poppings
Greg Galloway
Perry Poppings
Xavier "Big Cantaloupe" Poppings
Peeps Poppings
Terry Jeroo
Possum Poppings
Bernard Bly
Plopps Poppings
Little Cantaloupe Poppings
Vaz Poppings
Wendy Jeroo
Piano Keys Poppings
Footballhelmet Poppings
Carla Poppings-Jeroo
Pweeg-hanavitz Poppings
Jim
Source: Poppings Family Historical Society & Rat Trap Warehouse
- Bartolo Colon impersonator Edward Xomcheese
Fearing a possible Jeroo dynasty, the Poppings family (Ann Arbor, Michigan) have arrived at Jerk headquarters and immediately declared Horace on the Jeroos.
The battle is expected to begin in late-June with several thousand from both families participating in winner-take-Ernie racquet ball.
The Poppings
Lance Poppings
Ziizzo Poppings
Hillary Tomulkins-Poppings
"Pops" Poppings
Greg Galloway
Perry Poppings
Xavier "Big Cantaloupe" Poppings
Peeps Poppings
Terry Jeroo
Possum Poppings
Bernard Bly
Plopps Poppings
Little Cantaloupe Poppings
Vaz Poppings
Wendy Jeroo
Piano Keys Poppings
Footballhelmet Poppings
Carla Poppings-Jeroo
Pweeg-hanavitz Poppings
Jim
Source: Poppings Family Historical Society & Rat Trap Warehouse
The Jeroo's have ARRIVED
Captain Jeraldo Jeroo Esq.
Those in the 147th Western Seaboard Jeroo Infantry (Report directly to Captain Jeroo)
Ol' Chadwich Jeroo
Ben Jeroo
Lil' Horatio Jeroo Jr.
Oat-slinger Jeroo
Pitstop Jeroo
Ed
LaJaMichael Jeroo
Gary "Twinkle Nostrils" One-Foot Jeroo
Bill Clinton
All other Jeroos please email Oscar Rainbow at oscarrainbow@gmail.com immediately for elimination.
Those in the 147th Western Seaboard Jeroo Infantry (Report directly to Captain Jeroo)
Ol' Chadwich Jeroo
Ben Jeroo
Lil' Horatio Jeroo Jr.
Oat-slinger Jeroo
Pitstop Jeroo
Ed
LaJaMichael Jeroo
Gary "Twinkle Nostrils" One-Foot Jeroo
Bill Clinton
All other Jeroos please email Oscar Rainbow at oscarrainbow@gmail.com immediately for elimination.
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