Gallego passes on

Side of Route 84 - Millions were stunned to learn that Heeko Gallego, longtime bass player for Caramelized Back Brace and advocate for same-sex leaf counting, had been eaten by his pet raccoon, Renaldo.

The two had been living together since Renaldo first arrived on the planet last May 8.

Reports have been confirmed that Renaldo did, in fact use a dijon mustard to consume his former owner.

The Gallego family (tape measure) issued the following photograph of Gallego as an infant and started the bidding at $150:

Zondo announces candidacy

Bo Hunes - Everett Zondo has announced he will run for Tallest Citizen against "incumbent" Marty True in this fall's election.

Zondo's height will be revealed at a later date, though some believe the Yo County native could be as tall as 1,100 baby carrots.

"That's true, we do believe that," said one some.

Zondo has not yet announced his Bagel Runner, though the smart acorns are on either Solly Razz (ice cube) or Zondo's closest napkin, Terrance.


Other races:

Most Arm Freckles

Dennis D. Dro vs. Polly Wocka

Standing Furthest From That Water Fountain

Gail Glous vs. Pointing Percy

Sweatiest - over 40 division

Big Steve vs. Jill Kreimeier

Didier - A Family Reborn

Bruce and Dennis Didier, distant relatives of Tifko and Donald Didier, have been hired "to bring Didier tradition and values back to the firm", said CEO and Staff Dictator Aurelio Pock.

Bruce

Dennis

Bruce, formerly known as Wendell Pock, is a Capricorn that loves hikes on the moon and sunbathing with his pet ostrich, Marv. Dennis is a loser with no friends that wears adult diapers (for months at a time.)

Please join us in welcoming the Didiers to our office complex, into our homes (for extended periods of time), and into our hearts. 

- Staff Moron Bob Feathers

Photo updates now available

A disturbing photo was sent to headquarters earlier this week, and finally some explanations have surfaced.

In this photo

* There is a 1/3-man-3/4 tree with en eyeball (Jojo)
* Inside that tree, Dwayne Tomancheck needs medical attention and/or is deceased
* A young man by the name of Yuri Sha is -dungarees
* Flight 449 (Ozz Valley to Sumder) has been re-routed to be included in the Harold Day Parade
* There are two suns, one green, one purple. Both suns have been entered into the 2015 Top Sun competition (December 7-10, 2015 at Capolo Fairgrounds)
* A car is playing a game of basketball, and trails 17-14 late in the first quarter
* Linda the Elephant has flown away

Still unknown

* [mule]

Anderbelly Winfreed Given a Chance

In shocking news, The Jerk has decided that one time elephant impersonator and hippo burglar Anderbelly Winfreed deserves a chance. Thus, he has been given one (Staff George).

Winfreed

BIO

Name: Anderbelly JaQuun Winfreed
DOB: 13/14/99
Sex: Unknown
Head: No
Favorite Athlete: Alvaro Ezpinoza
Voted most likely to be......: Ballerina
Head: Again, NO
Hates: Oscar Rainbow, cheetahs
Likes: cheetahs, Bob Feathers' Gravestone














Winfreed will immediately take over all George related inquiries from former Staff George, Herman Bump (deceased).

Please join us in giving Anderbelly a chance!

- Staff Hippo Herman Bump

UPDATE (1:22 PM EST):

Winfreed has been eaten.

Services will be held at Bog Piso Auditorium from 11 PM to 3 AM this evening. Biscuits will be served, in accordance with Anderbelly's wishes. Hank The Mule will provide the trumpet entertainment at the afterparty.

Blog invaded

The following photo, obtained by staff member Emily Carson-Kennewith, shows a member of a race of school bus-nosed dachshunds, which have invaded our planet Earmuff.

There is believed to be hundreds of the beings surrounding not only Jerk headquarters, but also the home of former NFL quarterback Randall Cunningham, who declined comment. Several of the creatures will eventually be cooked in a deep frier and served to the Mastandria family (page 7, paragraphs 3-5 of New Visitors handbook).

Also, the following staff members have been eaten (last update: 3:04 p.m.):

- Connie Kim (corn on the cob-drum music reviews)
- Etch Eienhorn (ear pinch counseling)
- Emmit Yaycheeze (3B/DH)

"He's Here" - Volume One - Q'Pimpo Breastassist

"He's Here."

Q'Pimpo Breastassist is the inaugural member of The Jerk's newest weekly ritual - "He's Here." Each week we will feature the newest member of the club, a person/being that has recently arrived at The Jerk and has plans to "make changes."

Q'Pimpo Breastassist

Name: Q'Pimpo Tragglossio Breastassist
DOB: 12/14/14
Asian: N/A
What is it: ?
Legs: 3 (known); 4 (hidden)
Idiot: Yes
Nose: No, nooooo.
Spouse: Z.
Comments: Once arrested in British Columbia for impersonating a giraffe in an attempt to garner political attention (served 12+ years in federal penitentiary); Ate 14 Mel Pumbeckles whole (1966 Autumn Fair - Quigley County)



"He's Here!"

Please join us in welcoming Q'Pimpo to our staff.

- Staff Q'Pimpo Ferwood Horris

Introducing New Staff HR Manager Ther Eis

We would like to take a moment to introduce the Jerk's newest staff member and HR Manager, Ther Eis.

Eis (Deceased)

Eis, formerly of the Connecticut Sanchules Family, is to be welcomed "with open arms" by all staff members. Note, this is not to be taken literally - do not actually open your arms when you see Eis. This is considered an insult in his country, and his resulting actions are not the responsibility of "the firm". Chances of death are significant - "FYI."

Services for Eis will be as follows:

11/6 at McDonalds - The Eulogy
11/8 at the Aschermann Household - The Burial
11/10 at HJ Headquarters - Report for duty, 8 AM.

Please direct any Ther Eis related inquries to Capolo "Dominic" Henderson at capolo@yahoo.com

Thanks to all - and a very merry Easter.

- Staff Editor Donkeyface Nelson

Family basketball game turns ugly

Torkelson Valley, PQ - The annual basketball game between rival families the Torkelsons and the McCaffertys ended abruptly on Friday afternoon when little Billy Sherman was shot out of a canon after a third quarter foul call.

This artist rendering by staff editor Capolo Henderson depicts the exact moment when the nine-year old Sherman, who was subbing for the injured Walter McCafferty Jr. (pumpkin), was shot from the canon in what power forward/father William Torkelson called "the last time that kid ever throws an elbow in the paint".

The Torkelson family has fled the scene in their bus and are considered dangerous(ly full of pasta fazul), though experts believe the hunt for the family will end soon as TORKELSON is written on the side of the bus.

Also: after draining a step-back jumper from 10 feet late in the first quarter, Grandpa Paul "will spend the remainder of his days lying down on the front lawn next to a pile of spilled barbecue sauce," according to the family tree, Elijah.

The second sun, Valerie, declined comment.

Orsh Zolloway: HIRED

Hey Jerk Productions and Watermelons is proud to announce the hire of former Theo Buxley, Orsh Zolloway.

Orsh

Zolloway Bio

Name: Orshoff Zinn-Zolloway-Queh
DOB: 1/1/1
Arms: 1
Legs: 3
Feet: Unknown
Noses: 7 (5 not pictured (mule))
Favorite spice: Chipotle Chile Powder
Weiner: N/A
Partner: Ralph Soffo (deceased); Idiot Marley (present)
Notes: Loves the Cleveland Cavaliers, walks on the moon; dislikes Asia











Please join us in welcoming Orsh on as Staff Grapefruit.

- Staff Moron Bob Feathers

Fubb: no longer.

The Fubb family (F.F.) lost one of its finest (F) on Friday (glenn) when Wendell Fubb (W.F.g.) ingested more than five soccer balls and passed on to Fubb Land (486).

"A person can swallow three soccer balls and still survive, but four, and especially five, is fatal," shed a someone.

Fubb is survived by a drawing of his goldfish, Marty.



Here's Fubb in late-2014 after receiving the Donald Dimoggio Award for Toothpaste Hoarding

Wow!



Fubb Facts

* Played defensive back for the Jacksonville State University football team (2001-2004)

- Had team-high six interceptions as a sophomore. Suspended for last two games for violating team rules (parking lot ham fights)

* Played 'Mr. Giles' in the 1989 play Death Of A Salesman's Chevy


Famous quotes

[Selected by Ms. Jasper's 4th grade class at Durly Elementary School]


After pleading "not guilty" to intent to distribute (lettuce)

"Please, leave my family of salt packets alone. We've suffered enough."

To young Billy Boddingsley in the 2006 film Get On Out Of Here

"Good bye and good luck on your midterms"

2015 Gas Draft

No. 1 overall pick - San Antonio, Marc R.
2. Cleveland - Kurt A.
3. Werner Valley - Jarvis Galloway Jr.
4. Pluto - Steven C.
5. The Worm Store - Linda Wadsworth
6. Ottawa (from 5th Street K-Mart) - Don Mattingly
7. down the street by the yellow building - Vince Otto
8. Mule City - Dan Devito
9. San Diego - Penelope
10. Travon'Tavious Corners - Morris the Cat

TRADE

San Diego sends Penelope to Travon'Tavious Corners for Morris the Cat & 7 peaches

11. Newark airport Security - Patricia Paulsen

DEATH

Newark airport Security pick Patricia Paulsen eaten by mule. No re-pick granted.

12. Fred's Pit-Sweat Shop - Stinky O'Mallory
13. Dublin, GA - Ulysses Crugg
14. Heritage High School - Aaron Crugg

"Back to back Cruggs? I like the decision." - Henrieta Feathers

15. I don't know, over there somewhere - William Gwybish
16. William Gwybish - William Gwybish
17. Myrtle Beach B team - Xavier & Connie Schmidt ("The Schmidts")

UPDATE

Myrtle Beach B team disbanded

18. Hey Jerk Bison - Chip Settle
19. folding chair - night security guard
20. New York - pass
21. Terrytown - Beatrice Vance
22. Unknown
23. 8th Street Produce Stand - Mitch Mokk
24. Terrytown - Ivan Glow
25. Cooper's Bar & Grill - Sebastian Nezpiece Jr. 

**BREAKING**

The New York Yankees STINK!


Herman (HJ Modeling)

Emmit Hurley: deceased

Emmit Hurley, a staff correspondent from 1788-2015 has finally passed on/befriended Mookie Himself)..

Other Thursday morning passings:

* Bernie Broadway (rye bread)
* Tatiana Shwee
* The Shouse Sisters (fall out of ice cream truck)

Breaking: Oscar Rainbow Dead

Longtime contributor and Staff Lunatic/Murderer Oscar Rainbow has been found deceased in his box on 147th and Pine Street in Cleveland (Under the charcoal dumpster.)

Rainbow (Dead)

While the cause of death has not yet been made public, rumors indicate that Mr. Rainbow was SBGS (Squashed By Gorilla Stampede). Rainbow was found wearing his favorite "Oscar Rainbow Lives" t-shirt.

In lieu of flowers, please send cold-hard-cash to Enrie Ploop at:

1 Ernieploop Lane
Aardvark, Idaho 98078

Mr. Ploop will "spend the money on hookers and needle drugs."

So long, Oscar.

- Staff Idiot Bob Feathers

Flanellette mail surfaces

The Jerk has obtained a letter sent from Skungus Flanellette

to Bobby Thomp-kins during the red (ear) scare of the 1950s. Here is the full letter:

Orr & Fluto (sp.?),

Do you think that new "regime" (9) Claude Julien will be kept for Bruins?

I really love all your works with Globe since I enter this country (Hector Williamson - 1977-2015).

Fandom,

Adolf

Flanellette - 96% grapefruit - worked under the British/Columbus, Ohio doctor Narscor Devadeel and discovered a cure for "scratchy formhead" in 1997 that is still in use by semi-bro Dennis teams all over the.

Stay in tune (cuminseed) for firmer updates (jogglie).