**BREAKING** DelRhinoceros Breaks Wind

Warren DelRhinoceros, famous for his poached potato stew, has farted.

DelRhinoceros

Reports started trickling in from "people in the know" around 6 AM EST this morning that Warren had broken gas, and in the process had lost three of his limbs. These reports were later confirmed by a spokesman for the United States military, who were the first on the scene and have taken Dr. DelRhinoceros into custody.

"The Dr. has passed air, and has been taken to a secure location where his fate will be decided in the coming hours" said United States General Gary Schavonn.

Immediate reaction has ranged from shock to bliss. Fans of the Dr. have already started a protest outside his home, raising Pro-Wind banners and chanting "Wind equals freedom!" Anti-Wind protests have also begun, with little Gregory Kooka losing his life outside a Walmart in Springfield, Illinois.

Further updates will come as they are made available to The Jerk.

- Staff Wind Man Warren Lump

Lyleson Eats Most Aardvarks

A shocking result in Malik County early Tuesday morning as 53-year old Warren Lyleson won the national Aardvark Eating Contest. Lyleson had started eating aardvarks competitively just 16 months ago, but stunned the crowd of guys named Horace with a North American-record 11 A.C.H. (aardvarks consumed in an hour).

Lyleson, who Tuesday was playing for the Make A Noise With Your Arm Pit Foundation, becomes the oldest winner in the tournament's 310-year history, and moves on to the international competition June 7-11. He'll compete against seven-time international champion Son Ke Liu, and a lady named Wendy.

Lyleson's mailman, Dwight, declined comment.

J. Scott Cut From Coolies

J. Scott, who was expected to play first base and bat sixth or not at all for the Hey Jerk Coolies, has been cut, according to manager Pupu Quimm.

Scott, who hit .093 for the 2011 Coolies and also owns four short-sleeve dress shirts, was seen outside Coolie Park insulting a water fountain when Quimm broke the news.

To fill the roster spot, general manager Glenn M. has announced the team has purchased the contract of Malik Ruuso from the Independent Horace League. Ruuso was the league's coughing champion in 2006 and 2007, and during the league's 2010 all-star weekend drank an entire bottle of shampoo to win the skills challenge.

Donnie Walsh: New Coolie GM

Coolie owner Stefan Kristensen has decided the squadron needed a new direction. Early Friday morning, he fired ex-GM Hector Winfield and hired on Donald Walsh, who leaves his post as New York Knicks GM to take on a "new challenge." Walsh will be compensated with 4 Kork Ashirmin bobble heads per year.

Walsh


Walsh offered a statement through his dead person interpreter, Edwin Edwinnio:

"I plan on offing half the squad within a weeks time. That's all for now."

The Coolies will have to deal with this shocking news while preparing for today's game against the Portland Yetis.

- Beat Writer Juan DelCoolie

Hey Jerk Coolies v. Portland, 1:05 EST: Lineup Announced

1) Kork Ashirmin LF
2) Michaela C
3) Pat Zinn 3B/SS
4) Pat Zinn SS/3B
5) Alfredo Sanchules DH
6) J. Scott 1B
7) N/A
8) N/A
9) Greg RF

17) Kork Ashirmin 2B

Manager: Pupu Quimm

Coolie Beat Writer Juan DelCoolie: "Why is Pat Zinn batting third and fourth, coach?"

Coach Pupu Quimm: "It had to be that way."

Friday Night Cancellations

Adult Softball, League C

* Gervin's Galoshes at Team Orange - moved to 6:00 p.m.
* Team 4 inter squad scrimmage - PPD (ant farm theft)
* John Hu Traveling All Stars at Team 9 - PPD (rhino)

Hey Jerk Theater Co.

* Rocky 7: Uncle Paulie's Revenge - play opening moved to May 17

For Sale

Torn Jeremy Jeffress Topps 2011 Baseball Card

$67 obo. Email Oscar for details. oscarrainbow@gmail.com

Otto Von Plooben Hired

Otto Von Plooben, formerly convicted of pigicide (The state of Illinois v. Otto Von Plooben, 1966), was released from Warren Quigley Prison for the Overweight yesterday and immediately hired on by President Glenn as Staff Pig Nutritionist.

Von Plooben


Von Plooben, who flies to search for prey and squandered giraffe brains, landed on HQ premises at approximately 7:05 AM GST this morning. He took his place under Fred Guagaloo's footstool and will remain there until assassinated.

- Staff Fruit Fly Randy Floo

Autographed card for sale

Daniel Descalso 2011 Topps




$.14 or best offer
c.compelio@gmail.com

Von Hammerwitz's tongue out of control

2:55 p.m. LST - Oopstelovich "Oopie" Von Hammerwitz's tongue has threatened several staff members and declared war on a bowl of chocolate chip mint ice cream, according to sources familiar with Ken Corcoran's situation.

Von Hammerwitz, who came to this planet in 1973 with direct orders to assassinate Dr. Emmit Crugg, will be under constant surveillance as Jerk staff attempts to remove the tongue without interrupting any ongoing investigations.

Von Hammerwitz declined comment, though he did marry an ostrich.

Hey Jerk Tuesday Afternoon Slaying: Hooka Kokka

Hooka Kokka was offed at a company picnic earlier this afternoon. Reports vary, but it is believed he was "eaten by a wild giraffe."

RIP Hooka Kokka

Walton C. Crugg: Alive

Walton Confucious Crugg, the latest in a long line of Cruggs that are now deceased, is believed to be one of a handful of Cruggs left on this Earth. He has appointed himself King of the Cruggians, and will reign on Crugg Island and oversee the "restoration of the Crugg population to its previous glory and eventual dictatorship of the Earth."

Crugg



Walton C. was previously unknown, as the last remaining Crugg was thought to have been 'taken care of' several years ago. The existence of additional Cruggs comes as a shock and as a point of interest to Staff President Fat Neck Glenn, who released the following statement through his mule translation architect, Mule Johnson:

" While we are saddened that the reign of the Cruggs seems to be on the precipice of a return, we firmly believe that in due time the Crugg Threat of 2012 will be remembered as a feeble attempt at power, and that the Crugg race simply is not capable of maintaining stability or life for any longer than a few months. Therefore, we choose to take no action against the Cruggians at this time. "

Stay tuned as more Cruggs are sure to "arise."

- Staff Crugg Analyst Bob Feathers

Meet A GCSA Team: Sid's Sub Shop

Location: West Chuckles
Team name: Sid's
Stadium: Tubs Bracken Memorial Field
Capacity: 40
Owner: Abner Cruthnick
GM: Viv Cruthnick
Manager: Jolly Perkins
Last season: 23-18, 7th place
Southwest Conference

C: Divonshai Clifford
1B: Herb Alloway
2B: Lyonel Kingston
SS: Bernie Tapada
3B: The Forehead
RF: Alphonse Butter
CF: Waylon Pete
LF: H'Kwonce Butter
UT: Jolly Perkins

SP: Delwood Morris
SP: Milkcarton Graham
RP: Ethan Jelly
CL: Bingo Marcel

Yorbit On Roof

Troubling news from Jerk headquarters as staff member Emanuel Yorbit is on the roof and demanding to speak with an elephant.

It's not the first time the 33-year old has ascended to the roof. In 1988, he sat atop the Winkleman's roof for five days to promote awareness of chimneys, and while Christmas caroling in December, 2005, he ate part of the Paddock's roof to "win a bet with a squirrel." (Capolo Times, 12/19/05).

Staff editor Capolo Henderson released a statement from inside a hippopotamus' mouth:

"(Yorbit) owes me seven pecans. If he's not down by Saturday, I'm going to have to shoot him down. We can't have this kind of behavior, not during mailbox flag season."

After issuing the statement, Henderson was eaten by the hippopotamus and he was presumed delicious by several other hippopotamus in attendance.

Alistair Savootchky On Board

Alistair Savootchky, one of 14 remaining Savootchky's remaining alive in the wild, surfaced today at HQ and was immediately hired as Staff Nolan Ryan, pending a Nolan Ryan Nostril Hair background check.

Savootchky



Savootchky has been in hiding for over 4 decades, as he was under federal investigation for testicle-hair laundering in the late 50's. Before the government could convict, Savootchky escaped to the jungle. He was last seen purchasing a pair of loafers in a shop in Portland in 1988.

Bio

Name: Alistair Quintis Savootchky
Age: 93
Sex: Unknown
Partner: Warren Savootchky
Height: N/A
Weight: N/A
Nose: yes
Comments: Enjoys gorilla hunting, Derwood Morris 4EVA, swimming the Atlantic Ocean; dislikes Bob Feathers and the evil race of elephants taking over Europe.

Please join us in welcoming Alistair to our staff!

- Staff Savootchky man Warren Lump

Warren Savootchky Finds Deceased Mule Outside HQ, Changes Name to Horatio

Warren Savootchky has always been known for his kindness, his empathy, and his odor. He has not showered since the incident in Autumn of 1947 (Peacock-Williams vs. The State Of Utah).

Savootchky



Since then, however, he has devoted his life to located and cremating the remains of lost deceased mules. To this day, after 60+ years of work, he has located 1 (one) mule in the state of passed on-edness, and that was today. Today, Warren located little Rolf Muleson, a mule that was lost to the plague in the summer months of 1844. Several surrounding antelopes were stunned by the discovery, having lived on the lands outside of Jerk HQ for decades on end.

Local antelope and armadillo murderer Stoff Fenchman commented "Long Live Derwood Q. Morris IV."

Warren, who has now found fame and fortune, consumed the remains of little Rolf and changed his name to Horation "To quell the uprisings."

- Staff Warren Lump Warren Lump