Hangy: DEAD

Peopull Hangy, longtime Staff Anal Cavity, was found dead this morning when Staff Editor Bobby Feathers woke up, rolled out of his sleeping bag, and found Hangy hanging out of his rear end, lifeless.

Hangy (DEAD)



"I went to make my morning doo, and saw Hangy's legs sticking out of my rear. I quickly, of course, went back to bed for a few hours. When I awoke, he was still there. I ripped him out with a crowbar and threw him out the window. " - Bobby Feathers

Hangy was an excellent staff member, lifelong bungie jumping fanatic, and homosexual. While it is not known why he entered Feathers' anal cavity in the middle of the night, he is DEAD.

- Jung Fegman

BREAKING: Uncle Leo Perishes

In light of the news that Uncle Leo has perished, we would like to honor him by hiring him on here at the Jerk as Staff Uncle Leo.

Uncle Leo


Please join us in welcoming Uncle Leo to our staff and into our hearts.

- Jung Fegman

Poobo Hired

Radish Poobo has been hired as Staff Poobo, a dandelion familiar with the situation reported early Wednesday morning. Poobo was a cast member on the 1980s television sitcom Avoiding Mildred, and he also ran for tax commissioner of Kippinger County in 2003, but was soundly beaten by a ride-on lawnmower.

Massimino Hired

Rollie Massimino
Staff Basketball Coach

Start date: May 6, 1988

BREAKING: Philium Bill Missing

Philium Bill, recently hired as replacement as Staff Snow Blower to replace murdered William Bill, has gone missing. Believed to be overwhelmed by his new amount of responsibility, was seen nude and streaking into the forest behind HQ.

Bill (Missing)



Its believed that Philium may still be alive, existing on the feces of fellow Bills that escaped into the forest before him.

- Staff Correspondent W. Khotchke

Bill Family Acts Quickly; Philium Hired

With the sudden death of a family favorite, the Bills wasted no time getting another of their own hired. Philium Bill will take over William's old responsibilities as staff snow blower, becoming the second Vartuchian in Jerk history.

Philium comes from the highly-regarded Blayshore School of Mustard Studies.


- Correspondent Xavier Bill

William Bill: DEAD

William Bill, part-time Staff Snow Blower, part-time hated moron, has been attacked and subsequently murdered by a giant, fuzzy letter R that was passing by headquarters.

Bill (Dead)


Before the R had a chance to jog off and continue his day, staff correspondent Fritz Zonkway was able to get a statement:

"I saw Bill outside minding my business while relieving himself on a small cat and decided to murder him. I'll be on my way now."

The Giant, Fuzzy letter R is believed to be on his way to a pro-Pococcio rally being held at Capolo Hall later this afternoon.

- Staff Correspondent Fritz Zonkway

Faltering Brumm Family Receives Reinforcements

The Brumm Family, which is quickly being annihilated in the Pococcio/Brumm War, have received reinforcements on the eve of killing on of their own (Febber Brumm). The Brumm family was about to collapse and kill off the rest of family themselves until they learned that they now have the support of the Plu and Baganna families, led by Travis and Bologna respectively.

Travis Plu


Bologna Baganna

The Plus and Bagannas have been established families in Hey Jerk society for over 5 minutes, and their support should be considered unwavering. While the Brumm family is still a bunch of inexcusable losers, the Plus and Bagannas will most likely enhance their chances at survival for at least another week before the showdown in Rainbow Sewers.

- Staff Correspondent Fritz Zonkway

Febber Brumm Killed

Another casualty of the Brumm-Pococcio conflict has been reported as Col. Febber Brumm was assassinated by his own troops near Glenn Pond. This puts the Brumm coalition, already weakened by recent deaths and a asparagus epidemic, at a disadvantage with the Battle of Didier's Nostril & the Conflict On Joelson Meadows upcoming.


- War correspondent Vin Plu

Vong Poccicio Enters War, Quickly Murders a Brumm

Vong Pococcio, lifetime Pococcio family hitman, has officially entered the Brumm/Pococcio struggles, assassinating Midgett Brumm at Capolo Peak earlier this morning.

Pococcio



Midgett Brumm



In addition to the murder at Capolo Peak, The Jerk has decided to bring on Vong Pococcio full time as Staff Brumm Murderer.

Expect little to no retalation from the Brumms, as they are a bunch of losers.

- Staff Correspondent Woody Chotchke

Staff Infant Feathers Missing

Cotton Scoomgongy Rainbow-Feathers has gone missing, according to an accordion with peanut shells of the situation. Rainbow-Feathers, the bastard son of editors Oscar Rainbow and Robert Feathers, is reportedly lost in Frozengard Forest.

A search party will not be formed.

Chotchke Killed In Crossfire

Piso Mountain, HJ - Former staff correspondent Woody Chotchke was killed Saturday morning by crossfire on the northwest side of Piso Mountain during stage 17 of the Brumm-Pococcio War. Chotchke was interviewing Private Elbert Pococcio when a stray can of tuna fish struck Chotchke on the head and killed him instantly. Then Chotchke briefly came back to life, but died again a few seconds later.

Funeral services were held at Ruso Bar & Pub, right before trivia Saturday.

Staff Architect Orin Olivette Hired

Orin Olivette, an esteemed local architect, has been hired by The Jerk. Olivette has designed such local establishments as Haggis' Hot Dog Shack and the Glenn Ellis Institute for Psychiatric Health (formerly Ursula's Used Car Parts).



He has been brought on to design this cutting-edge bedroom for staffer Oscar Rainbow. Future projects include the creation of a utility shed behind staff headquarters.

Incidentally, Orin Olivette was born with a fish bowl as a head. Though he can't see or eat, it does not impact his quality of life.

McGonk Hired

FooFoo McGonk, formerly Paulie Brumm, has been hired on to fill the long needed role of Staff Pig Farmer.

McGonk

McGonk has several years in the industry (pig porn), and also works well with bananas. We expect McGonk to have a long and illustrious tenure here at The Jerk.

- Staff McGonk Correspondent Wood-E Chotchke

Brumms Retaliate, Elect Monarch

The Brumms responded to the recent Pocaccio King appointment, and hired a Brumm Monarch themselves. Bernie Brumm will become Monarch of the Brumm family during this war, calling all of the shots, effective immediately.

Brumm Family Monarch Bernie Brumm





Brumm released the following statement following his appointment, through his translater Hector Pococcio:

" Ooong fiblitz Xomcheese, rep fombat Brumm."

Look for Bernie Brumm to order the slaying of a Pococcio within 24 hours.

- Staff Brumm Correspondent Woody Chotchke

Pococcios Elect New King

An unprecedented event occurred Wednesday on the front lines of the Brumm-Pococcio war. According to an onion bagel with knowledge of the situation, during the Battle of Piso Lake, a conflict that has already caused dozens of frowns, the Pococcio family elected Ritz Pococcio as their new king.


Ritz Pococcio (photo taken May, 2004)


It remains to be seen how this election will affect the final stages of the Piso Lake conflict or the upcoming Battle at Noo Hill. The Brumms declined comment.