The Jerk staff is proud to announce the hiring of Hortense the Tarantula to the much-coveted position of Staff Arachnid Artist. She primarily prefers the Crayola carnation pink crayon but has been known to utilize sienna brown and sea foam green on occasion.
Hortense comes to us from Alton Greebury's tattoo parlor and has a degree in the Arachnid Arts from the University of Georgia. She is the mother to 1,018 children and is excited to be joining the team. Hortense was overheard saying "While I may only use three colors and am not particularly electronically savvy, I think I'll make a great addition to staff of The Jerk."
See staff listings for photo of Hortense. Welcome to the staff!
January 20, 2010
Shane photos obtained
The first photos from the eulogy and murder of Percy Shane have been obtained by the Hey Jerk staff.
Warning: the following images are graphic and should not be viewed by children with lice or under-privileged possum.
Warning: the following images are graphic and should not be viewed by children with lice or under-privileged possum.
January 18, 2010
Staff Stylist Applicant, Burt Shersherman, Dead at 97
****BREAKING****
(Last known photograph of Shersherman)
The Jerk staff is proud to report the death of stylist applicant (not hired) Burt Shersherman at age 97. Preliminary reports indicate acorns as the cause of death. We have EXCLUSIVE coverage of the Shersherman funeral and will be blogging live!
8:30 PM - Shersherman placed in Folgers can.
8:58 PM - Staff Dentist J. Jerry has a donut.
9:04 PM - Rerun of Oprah Winfrey show spotted on security TV.
9:10 PM - Oscar Rainbow arrives, screams "Glenn lives!", and runs back into the woods.
9:17 PM - Shersherman asks for a glass of apple juice.
9:21 PM - Staff Hippo Larry defecates in Shershermans coffin. Clean up not performed.
9:27 PM - Eulogy performed by Shersherman former employer, Percy W. Shane.
"First of all, Burt changed his last name during the war. It used to be Shershersherman. And his first name used to be Harriet. But that's not important now. What's important is, Burt is finally dead. Now we can go over to his house and get back our cats and toaster ovens he stole. For those who would like to join me, I'm off to Dunky's for $1 light beer night. Ladies only."
9:28 PM - Percy W. Shane murdered by Staff doctor D. Compelli.
9:32 PM - D. Compelli successfully subdued by Staff Lawyer C.V. Bwon. Shersherman asks for a twinkie.
9:35 PM - Numerous guests realize they never knew Shersherman and begin to pile out.
9:36 PM - FBI arrives, removes body of recently assassinated Percy Shane. Interviews begin with witnesses.
9:38 PM - FBI ends interviews, decides it will not pursue murderer in any fashion. Case closed. RIP Percy W. Shane.
9:40 PM - Staff Janitor K'wontavious Jickson fired. Replacement search started.
9:42 PM - Shersherman coffin lowered into ground. Shersherman grabs a coffee.
9:44 PM - Staff Iguana, Bingo, found dead at foot of snack table.
9:46 PM - Last listening of Shershermans fake last album - A Shersherman Divided.
9:49 PM - Last remaining copy of A Shersherman Divided burned and disposed of.
9:50 PM - Shersherman heads home for the evening.
That concludes the live blog.
(Last known photograph of Shersherman)
The Jerk staff is proud to report the death of stylist applicant (not hired) Burt Shersherman at age 97. Preliminary reports indicate acorns as the cause of death. We have EXCLUSIVE coverage of the Shersherman funeral and will be blogging live!
8:30 PM - Shersherman placed in Folgers can.
8:58 PM - Staff Dentist J. Jerry has a donut.
9:04 PM - Rerun of Oprah Winfrey show spotted on security TV.
9:10 PM - Oscar Rainbow arrives, screams "Glenn lives!", and runs back into the woods.
9:17 PM - Shersherman asks for a glass of apple juice.
9:21 PM - Staff Hippo Larry defecates in Shershermans coffin. Clean up not performed.
9:27 PM - Eulogy performed by Shersherman former employer, Percy W. Shane.
"First of all, Burt changed his last name during the war. It used to be Shershersherman. And his first name used to be Harriet. But that's not important now. What's important is, Burt is finally dead. Now we can go over to his house and get back our cats and toaster ovens he stole. For those who would like to join me, I'm off to Dunky's for $1 light beer night. Ladies only."
9:28 PM - Percy W. Shane murdered by Staff doctor D. Compelli.
9:32 PM - D. Compelli successfully subdued by Staff Lawyer C.V. Bwon. Shersherman asks for a twinkie.
9:35 PM - Numerous guests realize they never knew Shersherman and begin to pile out.
9:36 PM - FBI arrives, removes body of recently assassinated Percy Shane. Interviews begin with witnesses.
9:38 PM - FBI ends interviews, decides it will not pursue murderer in any fashion. Case closed. RIP Percy W. Shane.
9:40 PM - Staff Janitor K'wontavious Jickson fired. Replacement search started.
9:42 PM - Shersherman coffin lowered into ground. Shersherman grabs a coffee.
9:44 PM - Staff Iguana, Bingo, found dead at foot of snack table.
9:46 PM - Last listening of Shershermans fake last album - A Shersherman Divided.
9:49 PM - Last remaining copy of A Shersherman Divided burned and disposed of.
9:50 PM - Shersherman heads home for the evening.
That concludes the live blog.
January 17, 2010
January 13, 2010
January 11, 2010
RAINBOW BACK, REMAINS UNSTABLE
O. Rainbow stumbled back to Jerk headquarters this morning in an extremely unusual outfit. While Rainbow has not yet clearly spoken, he has been heard mumbling incoherently about what can only be understood as "Glenn will return......."
That said, the staff here has decided to reluctantly welcome Rainbow back on, and to facilitate his complete recovery from lingering insanity issues and walnut addiction. Look for further Rainbow updates\insane ramblings from the man himself in the near future.
Oscar Rainbow - 9:43 AM - 1/11/10
Outside Jerk Headquarters
January 10, 2010
January 8, 2010
Rainbow update
January 8, 2:21 p.m. - Patient Oscar Rainbow has escaped from Quinkley Asylum, according to staff nurse Dorothy Tanin.
This photo was taken outside Rainbow's room just minutes after his escape:
This photo was taken outside Rainbow's room just minutes after his escape:
January 7, 2010
Letter from Quinkley Asylum
I asked for a straight jacket and they gave me a rain coat and the pockets were filled with tomato sauce. Can I get a piece of bread?
That rat ran off with my pencil! How am I going to be able to write down what the tadpole in my shoe is saying without my pencil? They said I could bring one item with me into this Merleforsaken place, so I took Randy, my tadpole. He's been with me through thick and thin. Thick and thin. Thinking thin. Thunking Sid. Sid and Jan. Thickly Sam.
Where was he?
Right. I was writing limericks on the wall a minute ago:
There once was a
That's as far as I've gotten.
It's probably best that I'm here. I remember my father trying to take me to an insane asylum when I was 10. I got out of it by telling him I was president of a unibrow company. He wasn't very smart, but amongst his fellow staplers, he was a genius.
I'll tell you who put me here, it's that ear hole, Glenn. He's had it in for me ever since the olive wars of '09. Carpetsweepercouchfiberrottenmashedpotatokitchen.
Vote Ernie Kellog mayor of ernietown.
What was that?
Dinner is served the chubby guy said, but all I see is a bunch of raccoons running around in the court yard.
The oily one just yelled all you can eat and now the other inmates are running around with knives and forks, chasing the raccoons.
I think I'm going to like it here.
1/7/10 4:15 p.m.
Quinkley
That rat ran off with my pencil! How am I going to be able to write down what the tadpole in my shoe is saying without my pencil? They said I could bring one item with me into this Merleforsaken place, so I took Randy, my tadpole. He's been with me through thick and thin. Thick and thin. Thinking thin. Thunking Sid. Sid and Jan. Thickly Sam.
Where was he?
Right. I was writing limericks on the wall a minute ago:
There once was a
That's as far as I've gotten.
It's probably best that I'm here. I remember my father trying to take me to an insane asylum when I was 10. I got out of it by telling him I was president of a unibrow company. He wasn't very smart, but amongst his fellow staplers, he was a genius.
I'll tell you who put me here, it's that ear hole, Glenn. He's had it in for me ever since the olive wars of '09. Carpetsweepercouchfiberrottenmashedpotatokitchen.
Vote Ernie Kellog mayor of ernietown.
What was that?
Dinner is served the chubby guy said, but all I see is a bunch of raccoons running around in the court yard.
The oily one just yelled all you can eat and now the other inmates are running around with knives and forks, chasing the raccoons.
I think I'm going to like it here.
1/7/10 4:15 p.m.
Quinkley
January 6, 2010
RAINBOW DEEMED UNSTABLE, SENT ON LEAVE
*** BREAKING NEWS - RAINBOW "HYSTERICAL, INSANE, MUMBLING"***
Staff contributer and co-founder was abruptly asked to take an indefinite leave of absense today, after speculation amongst blog staff began to grow about whether or not Oscar was mentally sane. After screaming "Glenn lives!" for the larger part of an hour and streaking around the office in a walnut, the authorities were contacted and Rainbow was taken to the asylum. In a hysterical state, Rainbow vowed "Ill be back in about a half hour."
This is the last known picture of Rainbow. His leave from the blog is indefinite but will most likely be over in an hour or so.
Son of Fat Neck Glenn speaks
MULKLEY VILLAGE, CW - Abner Glenn, son of disgraced former Hey Jerk staff dentist Fat Neck Glenn, spoke in front of his mailbox, early Wednesday, defending his father.
My father did not deserve to be fired from his job as staff dentist. Sure, he probably deserved to be fired from his grocery store manager's job, with all the rules they have now about chewing fruit and putting it back on the shelf and attempting to sell it. And I guess his work as a human lawnmower didn't end well after emptying his "bag" on the Peterson's dining room table in the summer of '82. But the recent firing was unjust and the parking lot olive war had very little to do with my father. And let me dispel a few other rumors:
1. My father has never performed dental work with a plastic spoon.
2. In his 20+ years of practicing dentistry, my father has only filled a patient's cavity with mashed potatoes once, and that was because the label was improperly marked.
3. If a patient is forced to stand up while my father performs surgery, it is because he is intensely self-conscious of his height (1'4).
4. No patient of my father's has ever been instructed to brush their teeth with Sour Patch Kids.
I hope this helps clear my father's name.
Abner Glenn
January 5, 2010
STAFF LAWYER HIRED
With the recent developments involving the termination of former staff dentist F. Glenn, the staff here at the Jerk believed that hiring a lawyer was essential to the guaranteed continuation of business here at the blog. Therefore, we would like to introduce our new staff lawyer!
Vanderells Bwon
Name: Clifford Vanderells Bwon
DOB: 4
Height\Weight: 1'7" 14 lbs
Abode: Hollow loaf of marble rye
Spouse: Gary Jenkins
Accomplishments: 2009 - completed two classes at Keech Law School. Expelled for water fountain theft.
Comments: No arms. Likes water chestnuts.
Vanderells Bwon
Name: Clifford Vanderells Bwon
DOB: 4
Height\Weight: 1'7" 14 lbs
Abode: Hollow loaf of marble rye
Spouse: Gary Jenkins
Accomplishments: 2009 - completed two classes at Keech Law School. Expelled for water fountain theft.
Comments: No arms. Likes water chestnuts.
January 3, 2010
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