Mr. Bly,
My client, William Petunia (of the Norfolk, VA,
Petunias) has informed of your recent email correspondence. I regret to
inform you and your people that if these "automated responses", or
whichever you call them in your country, do not stop we will be forced
to take legal action.
As Mr. Petunia has probably informed you, I have been imprisoned for
the last 2 1/2 years for crimes committed against one Marvin Piso. Mr.
Piso claimed I stole several cartons of cigarettes from him and used the
tobacco inside the cigarettes to fuel a rocket to the ceiling. This is,
of course, both ridiculous and factual. I found the best lawyer I could
find (a life-size poster of myself) to act on my defense. Sadly, during
my trial the poster could never find the right words to say and we just
sat in silence for weeks.
Excuse me, I need a minute to reevaluate my position (backup right fielder) and my life goals with my goldfish, Deondre.
In the meantime, I await your response,
Robert Feathers, esq
Showing posts with label letters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label letters. Show all posts
September 13, 2012
September 3, 2012
Letter to Belinda Pershack
Good evening,
My step-brother William inquired recently about possibly having you and your people remove from his lawn several hippo carcasses. As of the composing of this letter (May 3, 1947) he has not received a response.
I would like this matter to be resolved immediately, or I get the mouse gun out of storage. You don't want that.
Sincerely,
E. Ploop
My step-brother William inquired recently about possibly having you and your people remove from his lawn several hippo carcasses. As of the composing of this letter (May 3, 1947) he has not received a response.
I would like this matter to be resolved immediately, or I get the mouse gun out of storage. You don't want that.
Sincerely,
E. Ploop
January 7, 2010
Letter from Quinkley Asylum
I asked for a straight jacket and they gave me a rain coat and the pockets were filled with tomato sauce. Can I get a piece of bread?
That rat ran off with my pencil! How am I going to be able to write down what the tadpole in my shoe is saying without my pencil? They said I could bring one item with me into this Merleforsaken place, so I took Randy, my tadpole. He's been with me through thick and thin. Thick and thin. Thinking thin. Thunking Sid. Sid and Jan. Thickly Sam.
Where was he?
Right. I was writing limericks on the wall a minute ago:
There once was a
That's as far as I've gotten.
It's probably best that I'm here. I remember my father trying to take me to an insane asylum when I was 10. I got out of it by telling him I was president of a unibrow company. He wasn't very smart, but amongst his fellow staplers, he was a genius.
I'll tell you who put me here, it's that ear hole, Glenn. He's had it in for me ever since the olive wars of '09. Carpetsweepercouchfiberrottenmashedpotatokitchen.
Vote Ernie Kellog mayor of ernietown.
What was that?
Dinner is served the chubby guy said, but all I see is a bunch of raccoons running around in the court yard.
The oily one just yelled all you can eat and now the other inmates are running around with knives and forks, chasing the raccoons.
I think I'm going to like it here.
1/7/10 4:15 p.m.
Quinkley
That rat ran off with my pencil! How am I going to be able to write down what the tadpole in my shoe is saying without my pencil? They said I could bring one item with me into this Merleforsaken place, so I took Randy, my tadpole. He's been with me through thick and thin. Thick and thin. Thinking thin. Thunking Sid. Sid and Jan. Thickly Sam.
Where was he?
Right. I was writing limericks on the wall a minute ago:
There once was a
That's as far as I've gotten.
It's probably best that I'm here. I remember my father trying to take me to an insane asylum when I was 10. I got out of it by telling him I was president of a unibrow company. He wasn't very smart, but amongst his fellow staplers, he was a genius.
I'll tell you who put me here, it's that ear hole, Glenn. He's had it in for me ever since the olive wars of '09. Carpetsweepercouchfiberrottenmashedpotatokitchen.
Vote Ernie Kellog mayor of ernietown.
What was that?
Dinner is served the chubby guy said, but all I see is a bunch of raccoons running around in the court yard.
The oily one just yelled all you can eat and now the other inmates are running around with knives and forks, chasing the raccoons.
I think I'm going to like it here.
1/7/10 4:15 p.m.
Quinkley
January 3, 2010
December 28, 2009
December 15, 2009
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