Police report

Capolo Henderson

October 4, 2012: Mr. Henderson was arrested at the scene of a four-alarm Gary explosion under suspicions that the Hey Jerk editor had been impersonating a fire hose.

"Mr. Henderson, who asked us to call him 'Professor Don Wiggins', was seen running around with exaggerated motions and spitting on some of the people who had to evacuate the Gary Building," said Gweg County police chief Vern Pepano. "We took Mr. Henderson into custody and put him in the back of a squad car where he proceeded to somehow remove his cape and goggles and threw up what looked to be a matchbox car onto his chest."

Henderson's previous arrests:

May 17, 2006 - Henderson is arrested for failing to pay pigeon support.

December 2, 1999 -Police found over 1,000 counterfeit autographed ears in Henderson's home. He's arrested and sentenced to mashed potato pool for two years. Upon his release, Henderson marries an ice sculpture of Gwen Bertelli.

May 24, 1994 - Henderson is taken into police custody for failing to remove his possum mask in a government building.

January 6, 1983 - Felony Horace-1.


* Bail is set at 11 egg shells *

Police Report

Wembly Rainbow




1-11-11 3:46 AM GST - Mr. Wembly Rainbow of Pine Balls, WI was arrested on several counts, including attempting to bribe a police office with sex and failure to wear pants. In addition, Rainbow attempted to flee the spot of the crime, screaming that he was "just an innocent paper bag trying to have a go at this life." Upon finally being detained, police tackled Mr. Rainbow into a nearby sewer drain, where he proceeded to defecate and urinate on the officers before being subdued via tazer gun.

The trail for Wembly Rainbow will begin tomorrow. Don't expect to see this man in public ever again.

Police Report

Capolo Henderson



1:06 p.m. GST. Capolo was arrested inside PetStop Store #78 with a pair of jeans on his head and impersonating a salamander while attempting to trade his left sneaker for a pile of beagle poo, a class K5-felony. Mr. Henderson was irritable and began shouting about needing to take a bird seed bath "before the goldfish took over", according to an eyewitness. Police detained the 38-year old and he remained in protective custody until an Ernietopsy can be performed on an acorn Capolo is accused of murdering during a rampage on the fish tank aisle. Mr. Henderson is also accused of eating more than three pounds of cat litter with intent to vomit.

Bail is set at 11 potato skins.


- Wexford County Police Dept.

BREAKING NEWS: Mortimer Mejito Wanted Criminal

Hey Jerk has just learned staff contributor and Mejito Clan leader, Mortimer Mejito, is a wanted criminal. Mejito is wanted for the 1997 murder of a penguin and with the editorial staff obtaining the following police document, Mejito is now on the run.