REPORT: Recently Hired Lou Holtz Eaten by Rabid Hippo

Lou Holtz, hired on as Staff Holtz and doody sniffer, has been eaten. Reports out of Kuala Lumpur have Holtz being attacked by a rabid hippo, ending his existence. An onlooker was lucky enough to snap a photo of the event in action, seen below.

Holtz, a retired golf ball inspector and avid donkey entusiast, had taken up residence in Kuala Lumpur after an incident with a horse in Utah caused him to flee the States. While it is not public knowledge exactly what occured on that winter night in snowy U-to the-izzAh, it is believed an infant cow and a bottle of brady was involved.

Holtz post-attack (Eaten)

Holtz will be remembered at the Jerk for his lengthy conversations about his morning bowel movements, and for the time in 1906 when he was found trying to scuba dive in the 4th floor east urinal.

- Staff Holtz Man Dr. Warren Lump

Holtz Hired

Jerk officials have announced the hiring of Louis Holtz as Staff Lou Holtz. Mr. Holtz, who coached the 1983 Hey Jerk Bison to a 2-11 record and had seven of his players eaten by a mule in November 2005, will be in the basement broom closet, snacking on pigeon until he is called for duty.

Mr. Holtz brought along his assistant, Wally, a cashew that lives in his arm pit.