Jerk officials have announced the hiring of Louis Holtz as Staff Lou Holtz. Mr. Holtz, who coached the 1983 Hey Jerk Bison to a 2-11 record and had seven of his players eaten by a mule in November 2005, will be in the basement broom closet, snacking on pigeon until he is called for duty.
Mr. Holtz brought along his assistant, Wally, a cashew that lives in his arm pit.