Celery woman found

A startling discovery was made Thursday afternoon as what looks to be the fossil of a celery woman was found near Jerk headquarters. The staff member who found the fossil wishes to remain anonymous for fear of backlash from the S.M. (Salad Massagers).

According to staff vegetable historian Hans Mejito, the celery people date back to the early-1600s and were wiped out during the carrot stick uprising of 1748.

Other modern celery woman facts

* May, 1938 - piece of a celery woman found in Merle Jorgensen's toupee. Jorgensen later admitted to planting in the toupee a stalk of celery from the local grocery store.

* August, 1957 - celery woman skeleton discovered in the glove of New York Giants' outfielder Hank Sauer.

* January, 1991 - Museum of World History & Cafeteria unveils its new wing, 'Celery Woman of the 1600s.'

* False celery woman sightings since 1992:

- April, 1998: Herman Bly
- May, 1998: Herman Bly (Bly imprisoned for two counts of false celery woman sightings. Marries warden of prison in August, 1998, becomes Mr. Herman Warden).
- December, 2003: Shonsen Pepano