Former Staff Dietician Schmooble Fonchonski has died of a silverware overdose. Fonchonski was one of several family members to infiltrate the Jerk and terrorize a once-quiet farming community with his anti-shampoo propaganda and militant raccoon armies. The 54-year old got into the kitchen cabinet Friday morning "and just started eating all the silverware, forks, knives, spoons. It was a really ugly scene for my son Laundry Detergent to have to see," said eyewitness Zez Pock. "He really went after the spoons; I've never seen anything like it. Well, never on this planet."
Fonchonski will be buried with his other deceased family members, in a pickle jar underneath the Vernon Street bridge.
"Schmooble Is Finally Dead" t-shirts are available at Hey Jerk HQ or by emailing oscarrainbow@gmail.com