Beauregard "Beau" Fimmons, staff contributor since the early-1980s, has drowned in his kitchen sink, according to a dish towel with knowledge of the situation. Fimmons was a correspondent on over 2,000 stories, including "Capolo Poo IV", "Fonchonski's Knee Cap Found in Belly of Aardvark", and the now-famous "Tinkle Memoirs".
Fimmons is survived by his pet cantaloupe, Harvey.
Showing posts with label aardvarks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label aardvarks. Show all posts
August 26, 2010
November 25, 2009
Oscar & Capolo spam email conversation
From: Amechi Best Nwaohia show details - Oct 22
This message is to inform you of your eligiblity as a winner of the sum of 750,000.00 Pounds on the on going swiss lotto international draw. contact Barr. Leonard Scott Via e-mail : deskof.lscott@yahoo.com.hk. Phone : +44 702 405 8502 with your details : 1.Name 2.Occupation 3.Home address 4.Age 5.Mobile Number. 6. Country . 7.Nationality.Online Coordinator : Amechi Best.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
Not interested.
Reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
well, get interested. this is a great opportunity for you and your family.
Reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
I don't have a family, I'm an aardvark.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
aardvarks have families, too. You have a family. A family of aardvarks.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
No, I don't. I'm an aardvark with a unibrow; an unattractive aardvark.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
settle down. collect the 75,000 pounds or someone else will. - Rory Rainbow
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
Rory? Who the hell is Rory? I only know P.F. Oscar Rainbow-Jickson
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
that name is false. My name is Oscar Rainbow, but on Mondays I go by my mailman-given name, Rory.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
Okay Rory. Hope you work a good route today. Heard the Yarboroughs may have left the dog unleashed again.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
I didn't say I was a mailman. I said it was my mailman-given name. A mailman gave it to me during the war (on expired potato salad during my grocery store cashier days).
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
Thanks for the story, Rory. I think I'm going to go lick myself for a while and have a walnut.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
you shouldn't always say everything you're thinking. that's my advice for the day.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
well your advice stinks, sir. Worse than my doo. I'm in the market for a pine cone tree, if ya got one. Yellow.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
only have red. and it's not for sale. good luck finding one in yellow, jerk.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
alright, fine. you have any arugula?
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
yeah, too much. how much you looking to get?
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
Four shoogels. Willing to pay 7 dollars per.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
what the hell is a shoogel, sir? I think you may have sent this to the wrong email address.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
A shoogel is 4.3 kilos of arugala. We gonna barter or what?
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
no, we're not, because you just made up a word and assigned it a unit of measure. That's not how I do business sir.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
You aren't a businessman. You're a homeless, retired U.P.S. driver.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
I'm a truck-less UPS driver and retired homeless man. get it right.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
I'm out of shampoo. Got any available?
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
I've only got enough to last me for the next week and I'm washing a whole bunch of heads today and tomorrow.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
You're a hair dresser?
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
No. just offering it to anyone who is in a hurry and forgot to shampoo. I have a stand in my drive way.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
great.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
it would be great if my neighbor, Sal, would stop drinking all of the shampoo. I said one time, 'yeah, Sal, you can have one shot.' Now the guy is coming over four, five times a day, puts on disguises....it's scaring off potential clients.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
I have to make things in the bathroom.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
Spaghetti?
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
no, stinky things.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
good day, sir.
This message is to inform you of your eligiblity as a winner of the sum of 750,000.00 Pounds on the on going swiss lotto international draw. contact Barr. Leonard Scott Via e-mail : deskof.lscott@yahoo.com.hk. Phone : +44 702 405 8502 with your details : 1.Name 2.Occupation 3.Home address 4.Age 5.Mobile Number. 6. Country . 7.Nationality.Online Coordinator : Amechi Best.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
Not interested.
Reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
well, get interested. this is a great opportunity for you and your family.
Reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
I don't have a family, I'm an aardvark.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
aardvarks have families, too. You have a family. A family of aardvarks.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
No, I don't. I'm an aardvark with a unibrow; an unattractive aardvark.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
settle down. collect the 75,000 pounds or someone else will. - Rory Rainbow
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
Rory? Who the hell is Rory? I only know P.F. Oscar Rainbow-Jickson
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
that name is false. My name is Oscar Rainbow, but on Mondays I go by my mailman-given name, Rory.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
Okay Rory. Hope you work a good route today. Heard the Yarboroughs may have left the dog unleashed again.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
I didn't say I was a mailman. I said it was my mailman-given name. A mailman gave it to me during the war (on expired potato salad during my grocery store cashier days).
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
Thanks for the story, Rory. I think I'm going to go lick myself for a while and have a walnut.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
you shouldn't always say everything you're thinking. that's my advice for the day.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
well your advice stinks, sir. Worse than my doo. I'm in the market for a pine cone tree, if ya got one. Yellow.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
only have red. and it's not for sale. good luck finding one in yellow, jerk.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
alright, fine. you have any arugula?
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
yeah, too much. how much you looking to get?
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
Four shoogels. Willing to pay 7 dollars per.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
what the hell is a shoogel, sir? I think you may have sent this to the wrong email address.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
A shoogel is 4.3 kilos of arugala. We gonna barter or what?
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
no, we're not, because you just made up a word and assigned it a unit of measure. That's not how I do business sir.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
You aren't a businessman. You're a homeless, retired U.P.S. driver.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
I'm a truck-less UPS driver and retired homeless man. get it right.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
I'm out of shampoo. Got any available?
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
I've only got enough to last me for the next week and I'm washing a whole bunch of heads today and tomorrow.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
You're a hair dresser?
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
No. just offering it to anyone who is in a hurry and forgot to shampoo. I have a stand in my drive way.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
great.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
it would be great if my neighbor, Sal, would stop drinking all of the shampoo. I said one time, 'yeah, Sal, you can have one shot.' Now the guy is coming over four, five times a day, puts on disguises....it's scaring off potential clients.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
I have to make things in the bathroom.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
Spaghetti?
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
no, stinky things.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
good day, sir.
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