Woolitz Missing

Breaking news from Hey Jerk headquarters as Boris Woolitz, former translator for the Puppitch family and vice president of the Venning County chapter of the Danny Devito Fan Club, has gone missing. We'll stay with this story as long as the refrigerator remains stocked with dandelions.

- Correspondent Maurice Ruso

Puppitch Family Arrives

After Niles Puppitch passed away earlier this morning from a Gary overdose, the Puppitches decided that it was time. They announced their intention to "arrive" this morning, and are scheduled to land at HQ at 6 PM GST. The Puppitches arive from the Planet Gwombus, and are Gwombosians.

Puppitch Family Leader, Douglas Puppitch


The Puppitches, who speak Puppitch, will be translated for us through their loyal interpreter, 6.

6



The Puppitches plan on making a formal announcement, but for now we will detail their family bio.

Puppitch Family Bio

Name: Puppitch
Leader: Douglas "Thin Toe" Puppitch, Al
Origins: Unknown, but most likely the Sun
Current Residence: Gwombus
Feet: yes
Dinkus: no
Other Family Members: Lil Tim, Paul, Perry, Sal Delmonico, Gary
Females: do not exist
Trademark: peanut butter filled anus
Comments: enjoy human elbows, dislike derwood morris

- Staff Puppitch Correspondent Gus Gary