May 31, 2013
May 29, 2013
"Save the Cronins" launches worldwide
After hearing about the mass suicide, by-goldfish injection, of thousands of his family members, Fwan "Poog" Cronin has launched the Save the Cronins Foundation.
The organization will be responsible for saving any Cronins that remain after the suicides and the accidental death of Arnie Cronin (Cronin overdose), though according to the family's historical society, the last Cronin besides Poog died in 2011.
"I'm willing to walk the ends of this earth, and many other earths, and on top of Ernie Earth, and to a Betty Earth and the Deodorants concert to solve the Cronin epidemic," said Fwan Cronin in a prepared statement. "I don't want to have to look at my children, Horace, who is scheduled to be born May 8, 2022, and Little Peebo, scheduled to be born May 11, 2022, and tell them there will be no Santa Cronin this year. It's time to bring back an influential family, just like we did with the Bernerfield's in the 70s.
Also, if anyone has seen Matthew Bernerfield, please contact me at the STCF main number. He owes me seven fire ants."
The organization will be responsible for saving any Cronins that remain after the suicides and the accidental death of Arnie Cronin (Cronin overdose), though according to the family's historical society, the last Cronin besides Poog died in 2011.
"I'm willing to walk the ends of this earth, and many other earths, and on top of Ernie Earth, and to a Betty Earth and the Deodorants concert to solve the Cronin epidemic," said Fwan Cronin in a prepared statement. "I don't want to have to look at my children, Horace, who is scheduled to be born May 8, 2022, and Little Peebo, scheduled to be born May 11, 2022, and tell them there will be no Santa Cronin this year. It's time to bring back an influential family, just like we did with the Bernerfield's in the 70s.
Also, if anyone has seen Matthew Bernerfield, please contact me at the STCF main number. He owes me seven fire ants."
May 10, 2013
Wobbins family list released
The Wobbins family
Bangor, Maine
Wob Wobbins Sr.
Betty Wobbins
Fob Wobbins (deceased-May, 2013)
Grandpa Otto Wobbins
Nova Scotia
Lil Banjo Fimmons
Ulises Wobbins-Benavich
Qwob Wobbins (deceased-March, 2013)
Wob Wobbins Jr.
Grandma Mae-Jule Wobbins
Pepe Wobbins
Wobberly Wobbins-Snaudgrass
Roswell, Georgia
Vanessa "Pigface" Wobbins
Jei-Kwon Wobbins
Hob Wobbins
Bob Wobbins
Carl Thompson
Hockeypuck Wobbins
Crawfordsville, Georgia
Zee Zee Wobbins-Adarondeck
Iglonovich Wobbins
Pob-lo Wobbins (deceased-December, 1984)
Seattle, Washington
Cecil Wobbins
Wob Wobbins III.
Source: Pepano Family Archives
Bangor, Maine
Wob Wobbins Sr.
Betty Wobbins
Fob Wobbins (deceased-May, 2013)
Grandpa Otto Wobbins
Nova Scotia
Lil Banjo Fimmons
Ulises Wobbins-Benavich
Qwob Wobbins (deceased-March, 2013)
Wob Wobbins Jr.
Grandma Mae-Jule Wobbins
Pepe Wobbins
Wobberly Wobbins-Snaudgrass
Roswell, Georgia
Vanessa "Pigface" Wobbins
Jei-Kwon Wobbins
Hob Wobbins
Bob Wobbins
Carl Thompson
Hockeypuck Wobbins
Crawfordsville, Georgia
Zee Zee Wobbins-Adarondeck
Iglonovich Wobbins
Pob-lo Wobbins (deceased-December, 1984)
Seattle, Washington
Cecil Wobbins
Wob Wobbins III.
Source: Pepano Family Archives
Homorace Humbb Hired
In shocking Hey Jerk news, a hire has been made. Dr. Homorace (huh-MORE-iss) Humbb has been hired on as Staff Doctor, a position long vacant for fiscal reasons.
Humbb
Humbb
Dr. Humbb, formerly Bart Feekus, will start immediately and be located in the Corner Office (tm) on the 415th floor east ballroom south-western side.
Humbb had no comment but immediately relieved Gregory Phui of his life.
- Wob Wobbins
May 8, 2013
Jerk staff move into new HQ building
The 1,100-person/iguana/half-men-half-desk lamp/parakeet staff at the Jerk moved into a brand-new headquarters building Wednesday afternoon.
The staff had been housed in Derwood Forest, surviving on pond water and the remains of Dwayne Durly, since the original headquarters building collapsed in February, 2010.
After the ceremonial ear cutting, there was worldwide reaction to the move:
"That's huge news for Taiwan."
- Staff Randy Johnson
As has happened with the opening of each new headquarters building since the Jerk's inception in 1936, several staff members and onlookers perished during the move, including Vicente Padilla impersonator Murray Ruso, Buck Pepano, "Chaz", the singing ceiling fan of hope, Dorothy Glenn, Izz-4, Pee-Po-Gee-Johng, Jamison Jazzawick, Gary Fempot IV and the entire cast of the hit show Me And Ewing Zeeble.
The staff had been housed in Derwood Forest, surviving on pond water and the remains of Dwayne Durly, since the original headquarters building collapsed in February, 2010.
After the ceremonial ear cutting, there was worldwide reaction to the move:
"That's huge news for Taiwan."
- Staff Randy Johnson
As has happened with the opening of each new headquarters building since the Jerk's inception in 1936, several staff members and onlookers perished during the move, including Vicente Padilla impersonator Murray Ruso, Buck Pepano, "Chaz", the singing ceiling fan of hope, Dorothy Glenn, Izz-4, Pee-Po-Gee-Johng, Jamison Jazzawick, Gary Fempot IV and the entire cast of the hit show Me And Ewing Zeeble.
May 1, 2013
Missing: pencil
A pencil has gone missing, according to the writing utensil's owner, Larry Thehippo.
The pencil was last seen wearing a yellow #2 jersey and was "chewed on somewhat" (Julio Herald, May 1).
He had just recently gotten some of his red hair cut.
If you have any information as to the whereabouts of the pencil, please contact either Thehippo at william.petunia@gmail.com or Hey Jerk intern Danny Badinski on line 7.
The pencil was last seen wearing a yellow #2 jersey and was "chewed on somewhat" (Julio Herald, May 1).
He had just recently gotten some of his red hair cut.
If you have any information as to the whereabouts of the pencil, please contact either Thehippo at william.petunia@gmail.com or Hey Jerk intern Danny Badinski on line 7.
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