Warrin Ashirmin Passes; Hey Jerk Fans Riot

Long time Horace and Staff Canary Warrin Ashirmin has passed. Ashirmin was battling an over 7-year battle with Rhinoceros disease, which leads one to slowly and painfully turn into a rhinoceros. He lost that battle, and his pants, Thursday morning. A riot ensued outside HJ Headquarters, during which 4 year old Yancey Schwegg forfeited his life.

Ashirmin (DEAD)

Ashirmin was well known for his pro-Pluto stance. He had traveled the Earth petitioning for Plutoism "around the globe." He believed that all Pluto-related items should be worshipped, and that Plutonians should be allowed safe refuge on Earth from the evil Plutonian dictator, Jim.

Ashirmin had a rabid donkey living in his naval, which lead some to believe that he was the antichrist. While this was never proven, several historians are certain that this was the case.

On several occasions, Dr. Ashirmin was seen dining with his pet walrus, Ed. Speculation that they had become sexually "involved" was confirmed when a paparazzi photographer caught them making hand love in the backseat of Ashirmin's 1964 Ford Pinto.

Ashirmin's services will be held at the National Museum of Waffles in Cleveland this Saturday. It is open to the public.

- Staff Raul Beau Fimmons