November 30, 2009
WANTED - LAWN NON-MOWING INCIDENT
Name - D. MorrisOccupation - Lawn Sniffer
Age - Unknown
Nose - yes
Favorite Animal - African Flying Gorilla
Height - 4'9"
Facial Hair - maybe
Wanted in connection to a Plumpberg Lawn Non-Mowing incident. Considered highly irritable with a strong chance of flatulence. Skid Marks probable.
Any information please contact C.Compelio at c.compelio@gmail.com.
November 28, 2009
November 27, 2009
Looking for freelance photographer
Prefer men named "Randy." Previous positions not necessary, but prefer walnut experience.
Mustache a plus. Females - please do not apply.
Call Bert - 555-0000
Mustache a plus. Females - please do not apply.
Call Bert - 555-0000
November 26, 2009
New freelance writer hired
Skip R.
Age: 41
Previous experience:
- Intern, Nose Ring Monthly (1997-2004)
- Revising resume (2004-present)
Pets:
- Roland (rubber mouse)
November 25, 2009
Hamela needs a home
Hamela is a happy-go-lucky pig residing in Tallahassee.
Due to unfortunate circumstances (Hamela's last owner is missing and presumed eaten), she finds herself homeless.
Hamela comes complete with bacteria between her skin folds, a vaguely parmesan cheese-like odor and 7.5 chins. Should you find yourself unable to spend the appropriate amount of time loitering on neighborhood lawns, Hamela is a great stand-in. She grunts at regular intervals, leaves amazing fecal matter behind and sometimes doesn't move for weeks.
If you can find room in your home, your heart and your neighbor's yard for Hamela, please contact us at (404) 8.
*Act now and we'll throw in this charming Boy with Pig Fashion Plate Card.
Due to unfortunate circumstances (Hamela's last owner is missing and presumed eaten), she finds herself homeless.
Hamela comes complete with bacteria between her skin folds, a vaguely parmesan cheese-like odor and 7.5 chins. Should you find yourself unable to spend the appropriate amount of time loitering on neighborhood lawns, Hamela is a great stand-in. She grunts at regular intervals, leaves amazing fecal matter behind and sometimes doesn't move for weeks.
If you can find room in your home, your heart and your neighbor's yard for Hamela, please contact us at (404) 8.
*Act now and we'll throw in this charming Boy with Pig Fashion Plate Card.
2YO SGF HIPPO FOR SALE
One time special offer!!!Gretchen - 2 year old single grey female
Feet - no
Enjoys cucumber slices and the occasional Dos Equis
Once climbed Mt. Everest with friend Rory (Rhino - Age 4 - Gay)
$4,000 obo. Call Bert Q. - 555-8098-4058u9
Oscar & Capolo spam email conversation
From: Amechi Best Nwaohia show details - Oct 22
This message is to inform you of your eligiblity as a winner of the sum of 750,000.00 Pounds on the on going swiss lotto international draw. contact Barr. Leonard Scott Via e-mail : deskof.lscott@yahoo.com.hk. Phone : +44 702 405 8502 with your details : 1.Name 2.Occupation 3.Home address 4.Age 5.Mobile Number. 6. Country . 7.Nationality.Online Coordinator : Amechi Best.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
Not interested.
Reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
well, get interested. this is a great opportunity for you and your family.
Reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
I don't have a family, I'm an aardvark.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
aardvarks have families, too. You have a family. A family of aardvarks.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
No, I don't. I'm an aardvark with a unibrow; an unattractive aardvark.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
settle down. collect the 75,000 pounds or someone else will. - Rory Rainbow
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
Rory? Who the hell is Rory? I only know P.F. Oscar Rainbow-Jickson
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
that name is false. My name is Oscar Rainbow, but on Mondays I go by my mailman-given name, Rory.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
Okay Rory. Hope you work a good route today. Heard the Yarboroughs may have left the dog unleashed again.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
I didn't say I was a mailman. I said it was my mailman-given name. A mailman gave it to me during the war (on expired potato salad during my grocery store cashier days).
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
Thanks for the story, Rory. I think I'm going to go lick myself for a while and have a walnut.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
you shouldn't always say everything you're thinking. that's my advice for the day.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
well your advice stinks, sir. Worse than my doo. I'm in the market for a pine cone tree, if ya got one. Yellow.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
only have red. and it's not for sale. good luck finding one in yellow, jerk.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
alright, fine. you have any arugula?
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
yeah, too much. how much you looking to get?
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
Four shoogels. Willing to pay 7 dollars per.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
what the hell is a shoogel, sir? I think you may have sent this to the wrong email address.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
A shoogel is 4.3 kilos of arugala. We gonna barter or what?
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
no, we're not, because you just made up a word and assigned it a unit of measure. That's not how I do business sir.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
You aren't a businessman. You're a homeless, retired U.P.S. driver.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
I'm a truck-less UPS driver and retired homeless man. get it right.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
I'm out of shampoo. Got any available?
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
I've only got enough to last me for the next week and I'm washing a whole bunch of heads today and tomorrow.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
You're a hair dresser?
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
No. just offering it to anyone who is in a hurry and forgot to shampoo. I have a stand in my drive way.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
great.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
it would be great if my neighbor, Sal, would stop drinking all of the shampoo. I said one time, 'yeah, Sal, you can have one shot.' Now the guy is coming over four, five times a day, puts on disguises....it's scaring off potential clients.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
I have to make things in the bathroom.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
Spaghetti?
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
no, stinky things.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
good day, sir.
This message is to inform you of your eligiblity as a winner of the sum of 750,000.00 Pounds on the on going swiss lotto international draw. contact Barr. Leonard Scott Via e-mail : deskof.lscott@yahoo.com.hk. Phone : +44 702 405 8502 with your details : 1.Name 2.Occupation 3.Home address 4.Age 5.Mobile Number. 6. Country . 7.Nationality.Online Coordinator : Amechi Best.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
Not interested.
Reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
well, get interested. this is a great opportunity for you and your family.
Reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
I don't have a family, I'm an aardvark.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
aardvarks have families, too. You have a family. A family of aardvarks.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
No, I don't. I'm an aardvark with a unibrow; an unattractive aardvark.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
settle down. collect the 75,000 pounds or someone else will. - Rory Rainbow
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
Rory? Who the hell is Rory? I only know P.F. Oscar Rainbow-Jickson
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
that name is false. My name is Oscar Rainbow, but on Mondays I go by my mailman-given name, Rory.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
Okay Rory. Hope you work a good route today. Heard the Yarboroughs may have left the dog unleashed again.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
I didn't say I was a mailman. I said it was my mailman-given name. A mailman gave it to me during the war (on expired potato salad during my grocery store cashier days).
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
Thanks for the story, Rory. I think I'm going to go lick myself for a while and have a walnut.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
you shouldn't always say everything you're thinking. that's my advice for the day.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
well your advice stinks, sir. Worse than my doo. I'm in the market for a pine cone tree, if ya got one. Yellow.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
only have red. and it's not for sale. good luck finding one in yellow, jerk.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
alright, fine. you have any arugula?
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
yeah, too much. how much you looking to get?
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
Four shoogels. Willing to pay 7 dollars per.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
what the hell is a shoogel, sir? I think you may have sent this to the wrong email address.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
A shoogel is 4.3 kilos of arugala. We gonna barter or what?
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
no, we're not, because you just made up a word and assigned it a unit of measure. That's not how I do business sir.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
You aren't a businessman. You're a homeless, retired U.P.S. driver.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
I'm a truck-less UPS driver and retired homeless man. get it right.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
I'm out of shampoo. Got any available?
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
I've only got enough to last me for the next week and I'm washing a whole bunch of heads today and tomorrow.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
You're a hair dresser?
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
No. just offering it to anyone who is in a hurry and forgot to shampoo. I have a stand in my drive way.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
great.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
it would be great if my neighbor, Sal, would stop drinking all of the shampoo. I said one time, 'yeah, Sal, you can have one shot.' Now the guy is coming over four, five times a day, puts on disguises....it's scaring off potential clients.
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
I have to make things in the bathroom.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
Spaghetti?
reply from c.compelio@gmail.com
no, stinky things.
reply from oscarrainbow@gmail.com
good day, sir.
November 24, 2009
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