Quebec Offed

 44th Staff President Hannk Quebec has been offed, according to HJ Head of Security Oscar Rainbow. 

Quebec (Dead)

Quebec was an unliked President during his multi-year tenure at the Jerk, much like the past 43 presidents. He promised change, but was not heard from for the entirety of his Presidency. At one point, he DID clog the 77th floor east toilet. 

"I did what I aimed to do." - Quebec

Quebec is believed to have been eaten by a Walrus. 

- Staff Correspondent Eli Strauss

Dizzums, giant right ear hired

Farley Dizzums has been brought on to oversee all Lyle and Amanda-related issues at the site, according to a dab of honey mustard familiar with the situation. 

Dizzums, a former running back with the Minnesota Vikings (336 yards and four touchdowns in 1991), served in a similar capacity at the now-defunct fashion magazine Socks, and also owns six goldfish.

Dizzums right ear, D'Marcus declined comment.

Saturday scoreboard

Percy Valley 7, Dandelion College 4

Dwayne 11, South Vanessa 8

Weeb Town 2, Soup 1

Ibbit 8, Zlay County 4

Freddy Technical Institute 6, Moob East 5

Boots vs. Harriet - ppd (grape spill)

Wax begins apprenticeship

Xavier Wax brought his family of sardines to this country long ago and Saturday afternoon the 53-year old former mustard water addict became the 118th napkin intern in the site's history.

Wax, who according to "the new york times" has increased his elk percentage from 16% to 18% (which would qualify him for the '22 Binkys), had previously been a part of the paper towel staff at Claire's Chicken and won silver at the 44 games after securing a 37.6 in the all-around event.

In related news, Beatrice Durly has eaten one plum.

Open for business

 

Friday college scoreboard

Eep Tech 7, Fitz U 4

Maddabowie 11, Chin State 1

Linda Bleeker College 5, Zous 2

Wayne State 14, Plipp 10

Zook Valley Community College 6, Michigan State 3

Wocksboro 2, Bubble 0 (11 innings)

Rare photo of Gav found

A rare photo of former president Warren Gav was found recently. The photo, which shows Gav presiding over the famous pistachio fight and square dance of 1944, was also anonymously donated to the Museum of 5th Graders Drawings of Elephants.

The Broccoli Fart Apocolypse

One dark and farty day Big Nose Larry was snooping around town sniffing a baby licking the concrete you know NORMAL stuff people do.

 Larry was kicking trees when suddenly he farted it smelled like broccoli so he did it again. By the next day the was a whole entire company with exactly 72 people working there named I Farted It Smelled Like Broccoli So I Did It Again AND guess who was the manager yep I don't know if you guessed it but I'm gonna just assume you did - it was Larry...

By the next week Larry's company had taken over the entire world but Japan and guess what Larry was at a hospital in Canada in a fart coma. One man in Japan named Garfwin Digglehart farted it was so so so so so soooooooooooooooo big and long that the whole earth could hear it it even woke Big Nose Larry up from his fart coma! The legendary fart smelled so much like broccoli and it was so strong that it saved the entire planet from fart takeover some even say the legendary fart is still going somewhere out there in japan. What happened to Larry you ask well no one really knows...

Nuggets McButt "On Board"

 The Jerk has made its first official hire in over 26 years, bringing on Nuggets McButt to "run the operation."

Nuggets McButt

"Nuggets McButt will run the operation." - Staff President Hannk Quebec

McButt will take Norton Foo's old office on the west wing of the 344th floor. Please note that Dr. McButt does not share restroom facilities; therefore, all employees of the west wing on the 344th floor will need to find other avenues to relieve themselves, effective immediately. 

"I'm going to change things around here - you'll see!" - Nuggets McButt

What Dr. McButt plans to change remains to be seen, but his first change was hiring a restroom operator - Nuggets McButt Sr. 

Please join me (Richard Ploop) in welcoming Dr. McButt to our staff! Celebratory oranges are available in the cafeteria.

- Staff Beat Writer Ollwind Gooseker 

 

"Bonnie Bingo's Been Through A Lot"

 - future headline about Bonnie Bingo, written by Eddie Bingo


Source: Many Bingos newsletter, March, 2020

2020 Mule Draft - Round 1

First round picks by Al F. (odd picks), and Terry (even)

1) Ottawa - Dan Devito Jr., Derwood Tech. Highlights: Ate a Kent whole (October '77), farted 412 times in a period of less than one minute (1998), Husband to Daniel Devito Sr. 

2) Conyers - Filles, Emanuel, Derwood Tech. Highlights: none

3) Otis County - Horace, Norwood, Derwood State. Highlights: Sharted at second base during the 7th inning of the Otis County Little League World Series, was removed from the game and beaten close to death. Wife of Bob Feathers. 

4) San Antonio - Jenny Bix, Texas A&M. Highlights: completed Highlights magazine - dentist office July 16, 1988. Pointed at a mailbox for 11 minutes, 22 seconds (Henrick County record).

5) Cleveland - Booby, Cleveland, N/A. Highlights: Fell into a sewer June, 1988, lived there for 11 years. The Perez family lived in Mr. Booby's anal for a period of 17 years (1988-2005), at which point they were evicted, and subsequently convicted, for dingleberry theft. 

6) Vinny Valley - Yeimin Zeck, Middle Georgia College. Uncle: J.J. (b. 1922, d. 1976). Point guard, New Jersey Nets. 0.2 ppg, 0.2 rpg, 0.2 apg, 0.2 apg, 0 epg.

7) Devito Penitentiary - 09738 42.3, Brian Gregory Tech. Highlights: Inmate Daryl Doof was the first human to attempt and succeed in eating an elephant whole. 09738 42.3 is known for their bowel movement skills (Bronze, 194 Olympic Games)

8) Louisville - J.T. Schmidt, Iowa State mens tennis. Walnuts: 4.

9) New York Knicks: Mule, Muleford - N/A. Highlights: Orville Knuggins.

10)

Wednesday schedule released

2:35 pm - Darren Durly hiring ceremony

3:40 - Let's throw sandals at that guy over there, Northeast Regional qualifying round

5:15 - dinner

6:30 - Kenneth Burr drawing

7:45 - water chestnut toss, Northwest Regional qualifying round

9:05 - roof naps, last name H-L

Cal!

1946 - 

Plerp Brought On To Manage Untenable Goldfish Situation

Perton Plerp, former guard for the Indianapolis Colts, has been brought on to finally contain the goldfish infestation that has been hampering HQ over the past 177 years.

Plerp

Plerp, who once ate an opposing nose guard with a side of a '44 Zinfandel, has many, many, many, (MANY) years of experience corralling goldfish.

"I corral goldfish" - Perton Plerp

Plerp will take up residence under the desk of Staff Wart Man Oscar Rainbow, who was recently demoted to his new role from his former position as Staff Anal Inspector.

"To be honest, it isn't that pleasant under here" - Perton Plerp

Plerp has passed on. Please stop by Oscar Rainbow's cubicle to pay your respects.

Perton Plerp: 1922-2024

- Staff Lawyer and Correspondent Ernest Ploop

Gabaladeone brought on

height: 4'10.66334
weight: 93 pistachio shells
affiliations: Portland Trailblazers 1997-1999, Memphis Swirl 2000-2004, Team 11 2005-2009, Henderson Valley Stars 2010-2015, Yepp Valley 2016-present
guru: "guru"
cracker facility supervisor: Janice Yemmp
over there: N/A
peanuts: 11
watermelon rinds: 8
New Janice Yemmp: coming July 7, 2020
Denver Nuggets: 38-44
Janice and Horace Yemmp highlights, March 20-27, 1982: available September 1, 2020
Mustache: January, 2021